Chapter 74: Worth It

This was Shen Xici’s first kiss. His lips and teeth were forcefully parted, like a sudden downpour, imperious and unrestrained. The dense mist of the rain curtain enveloped him from all sides, filling his lips, teeth, and the tip of his nose with Sheng Shaoyan’s scent. It was airtight, as if he had been completely captured in a net, unable to escape.

The kiss was hurried and brief, perhaps lasting only a few seconds, but after he was released, Shen Xici’s vision lost focus. Even the tip of his tongue was numb, and his whole body trembled slightly as he sank into the seat.

After a while, he noticed a dazzling car light shining from outside.

Shen Xici instinctively squinted. On the empty road, several cars were approaching at high speed.

Sheng Shaoyan also looked out the car window, patting his hair with a reassuring gesture. “It’s our people.”

The cars screeched to a halt. The usually composed Butler Laisen ran towards their car with messy steps. He first saw the driver lying on the ground and the blood all over, and he immediately understood what had happened. He skillfully instructed the people following behind to take the driver away, and then had someone immediately deal with the surveillance footage in the area.

Sheng Shaoyan had already gotten out of the car, handing the gun and syringe left inside to Butler Laisen. Then, he quickly went around to the other side of the car, bent down, first wrapped Shen Xici in his coat, then lifted him horizontally, and strode through the light rain towards the black Maybach parked nearby, commanding, “To Heyi, immediately.”

“Yes.” Hearing that they were going to Heyi Hospital, and seeing Sheng Shaoyan’s face was terrifyingly cold, as if covered in a layer of frost, Butler Laisen didn’t dare trust anyone now. He randomly pointed to a security guard and got into the driver’s seat himself.

As soon as they got in the car, the central partition came down, turning the back seat into a soundproof, sealed space. Shen Xici consciously took off his jacket, lifted his shirt, turned around to expose his lean, fair back, and lay on the white leather seat, asking Sheng Shaoyan, “Can you see a pinprick?”

At this moment, there was not a trace of romance. Sheng Shaoyan used the light to examine him carefully, and finally, on the middle-right side of Shen Xici’s back, he saw a tiny scratch, red and slightly swollen.

Staring at that mark, Sheng Shaoyan’s chest felt as if it were being crushed by a thousand-pound boulder, making it hard for him to breathe.

Noticing for the first time that Sheng Shaoyan’s emotions were clearly a little out of control, Shen Xici quickly said, “Didn’t we look at the syringe? The medicine inside didn’t noticeably decrease. It’s very likely the needle went in, but the drug didn’t have time to be injected. Don’t worry too much. Besides, I don’t feel uncomfortable—”

The unfinished words stopped on his lips.

Someone gently hugged him from behind, as if he were a precious, fragile object.

The speeding car flew through the night, then came to a screeching halt at the entrance of Heyi. A group of medical staff was already waiting there. Shen Xici was once again admitted to the same hospital room as last time.

All kinds of medical instruments were wheeled in. Doctors and nurses came and went. Various testing patches were attached to his hands and body, and the screen displayed curves and numbers.

He was so tired and sleepy that Shen Xici didn’t even know when he fell asleep. He only vaguely heard that the test results for the syringe came back. Just as he had guessed, the liquid hadn’t had time to be injected. Sheng Shaoyan’s shot had been timely.

When he drowsily opened his eyes, the curtains were drawn, and the room was dimly lit. Many of the instruments had been removed. Shen Xici subconsciously looked around the room, his ears catching the sound of conversation coming from the other bedroom in the hospital suite.

Sheng Shaoyan’s voice was extremely cold, with scattered mentions of Sheng Junhong’s name, uncharacteristically harsh.

Not long after, Sheng Shaoyan pushed the door open and came out. Seeing him, he said, “Did I wake you?”

Shen Xici sat up on his own and rubbed his dry eyes. “No, I just woke up.”

He still felt a bit of unreality. A few hours ago, he was on stage receiving an award. He hadn’t expected the plot to take such a sharp turn, with guns and hostages. And his original plan to go back to Jiezhou Garden to make something to eat to celebrate had turned into another hospital stay.

The curtains were drawn open. Sheng Shaoyan said to him, “We’ve found Sheng Junhong.”

Shen Xici imagined the methods of this black-hearted capitalist before him. “Did you get the lead from that driver?”

“Mm,” Sheng Shaoyan didn’t hide it. “He wouldn’t talk at first. We used some methods later. He couldn’t hold on and told us all of Sheng Junhong’s arrangements. Sheng Junhong brought the syringes and entered the country through international waters, urging the mole planted by my side to act as soon as possible. Following the lead from the driver, we located Sheng Junhong. Sheng Junhong realized something was wrong beforehand and tried to take a helicopter to the sea, but he was intercepted.”

Although Sheng Shaoyan’s account was brief, Shen Xici could easily imagine how complex and rapid the situation had developed in the few hours he was asleep.

Sheng Shaoyan apologized, “This time, I got you involved.”

Shen Xici shook his head. “It’s not your fault. If it weren’t for picking me up, you wouldn’t have come without bodyguards, which gave that driver the opportunity. Fortunately, we were both very lucky and are both okay.”

Seeing that it was already afternoon outside, and Sheng Shaoyan clearly hadn’t slept yet, probably busy with Sheng Junhong’s matter, he looked tired and gloomy.

Shen Xici was just about to advise him to go rest too, but unexpectedly, Sheng Shaoyan leaned down and suddenly came closer.

He instinctively turned his head, avoiding Sheng Shaoyan’s kiss.

His arm rested by his pillow. Sheng Shaoyan didn’t immediately get up.

The room became quiet for a moment.

Shen Xici didn’t speak.

How could a person as smart as Sheng Shaoyan not understand what he meant?

“Why did you refuse? Because of your illness?”

This was the first time the two of them had spoken about it so directly. Before yesterday, Shen Xici had grown increasingly suspicious that Sheng Shaoyan had already discovered he had congenital insensitivity to pain.

It wasn’t just the food he ate. When Sheng Shaoyan came to pick him up from filming, or when they walked together in Jiezhou Garden, Sheng Shaoyan was more cautious than before. If he sneezed or coughed a few times, within half an hour, a family doctor would come to give him a check-up.

It couldn’t be more obvious.

When Sheng Shaoyan asked this question, Shen Xici had a feeling of “he really did know already.”

“A’Shao, congenital insensitivity to pain means that things like what happened this morning will happen frequently in the future. If you ask me if I’m uncomfortable anywhere, I can’t answer. If you ask me if I’m injured, I won’t know unless I can see it. You see, a bomb could be planted in my body at any time, and then suddenly explode.”

Sheng Shaoyan had thought about this question countless times since learning of Shen Xici’s illness. “We can assemble a top medical team, and we can have regular check-ups. If you get sick, your body can’t feel it, so we’ll let sophisticated instruments express it, so the bomb has no chance to be detonated.”

Shen Xici paused for a moment. “That’s true, but if there’s any slight disturbance, I’ll have to undergo all sorts of examinations to rule things out. Every day, there could be punctures, sprains, burns, even fractures, all sorts of major and minor problems. The anxiety, fatigue, and panic that come with it are all a constant torment. If we’re together, it will only drag you into this panic as well.”

Sheng Shaoyan didn’t hesitate at all. “I’m willing.”

Shen Xici had expected this answer.

And during this time, Sheng Shaoyan had indeed been doing just that.

But he continued to persuade him, “You’re willing to bear it with me now, but one day, I will become your burden and drag. One day, you will get tired of this day-in, day-out worry and anxiety. Then, this relationship might as well not even start.”

When he was a child, he had tried very hard to appear smart and well-behaved, sensible and considerate. He took care of himself, helped with household chores, and tried not to be a burden to anyone.

But even so, without knowing he was sick, Zhuo Suli and Wu Licheng still disliked him, ignored him, excluded him, even hated him, and finally abandoned him. His biological parents were the same.

And now, if he got seriously ill or injured without his knowledge, he might not even be able to take care of himself. He would only become a burden.

Sheng Shaoyan stood up straight. Though his expression didn’t change at all, he looked at Shen Xici and said in a cold, hard tone, “You’ve said so much. What you really want to say is just that last sentence, right? My answer is meaningless. You’re only willing to believe your own presuppositions. you just want to reject me.”

Shen Xici was silent.

He acquiesced.

Sheng Shaoyan turned around, poured himself a glass of water, and threw in a few ice cubes. A few drops of water splashed onto the back of his hand, but it didn’t get his attention.

The ice cubes clinked against the glass wall. After drinking the cold water in one gulp, Sheng Shaoyan looked at the silent Shen Xici and gave a self-deprecating laugh. “You don’t trust me, so you don’t even have the thought of starting this relationship.”

Knowing how heart-wrenching his words would be, Shen Xici still answered, “Yes, I don’t trust you.”

Receiving this affirmative answer, Sheng Shaoyan’s face turned as cold as the eternally snow-capped peak of Mont Blanc. He silently bent down to straighten the wrinkled sheet under Shen Xici, then poured the remaining ice from the glass into the trash can.

Standing again by the marble counter where the water dispenser and cup holder were, Sheng Shaoyan didn’t move for a long time. His face showed no outward emotion, as silent as a mountain range on the horizon, but the knuckles of the hand holding the glass were white.

Suppressing all the chaotic emotions with reason, Sheng Shaoyan didn’t turn back. He spoke with restraint, “Let’s talk about this topic next time. You get some rest. I have a few things to deal with.”

After saying that, he prepared to leave.

Looking at Sheng Shaoyan’s frost-covered profile, Shen Xici hardened his heart. “Let’s clear this up this time. We don’t need to wait for next time.”

Sheng Shaoyan’s footsteps abruptly stopped. A few seconds later, he suddenly turned around, his eyes burning with a dark flame. “No need to wait for next time? Or is there no next time at all? Shen Xici, are you planning to do what you did before, to never contact or see each other again until we become strangers?”

“I—”

Sheng Shaoyan’s thin lips tensed, and he rudely interrupted the harsh words Shen Xici was about to say, “Is it that you don’t trust me, or that you don’t trust yourself?”

Shen Xici’s pupils shrank slightly. “What do you mean?”

Sheng Shaoyan stared at him intently, speaking quickly, “Do you not believe that someone will love you, that someone will willingly give for you, that someone, whether for only a month or for sixty years, would rather be afraid, rather be anxious, rather be worried sick every day, but still want to be with you?”

The repeated questions were like a sledgehammer, easily smashing to pieces the things Shen Xici had always carefully concealed. He retorted instinctively, “How can I believe it? On what basis? My body that’s like a block of wood, that can’t even feel pain? My future where I don’t even know if I’ll have a tomorrow? Sheng Shaoyan, look clearly! I’m not worth you investing your feelings and love in at all!”

The room fell completely silent, with only his own rapid breathing and the echo of his harsh words.

Shen Xici thought in defeat, “See? Strip away all the pretense and shells, this is his true color.”

He couldn’t bring himself to trust himself, to believe he was worthy of being loved. He was even less able to trust others.

He had never received pure, unadulterated love, so he didn’t dare to believe in the love Sheng Shaoyan spoke of.

It was destined. He would only let Sheng Shaoyan down.

But actually, he really cherished it, so much.

The feelings Sheng Shaoyan gave him were the most precious feelings he had ever received in his two lifetimes.

But he couldn’t hold on to it, like quicksand. He was destined not to be able to hold on.

Like floating on a boundless sea, Shen Xici felt an unprecedented fatigue. His limbs felt as heavy as lead stones, as if the shackles fate had put on him were always there.

But Sheng Shaoyan didn’t back down an inch, answering coldly, “I’m the one investing. So, the question of whether it’s worth it doesn’t need an answer from you. It should be for me to judge.”

Shen Xici didn’t even have the strength to argue. He said in a low voice, “Your answer might just be from a momentary emotional impulse, a momentary rush of hormones.”

He closed his eyes wearily.

Sheng Shaoyan sneered in anger, “Hah, a momentary emotional impulse?”

The bed sank. Sheng Shaoyan’s face was grim. Suppressing his anger, he knelt on one knee on the bed, grabbed his left hand, and forced him to look at the ring on his middle finger. “Do you remember what this is?”

Staring at the ring, Shen Xici was a bit dazed. “…I remember. It’s the thank-you gift you gave me.”

“A thank-you gift?” Sheng Shaoyan’s tone was aggressive. “This is no thank-you gift at all. This is a proposal ring that I carved, one cut at a time!”

Shen Xici couldn’t believe it, thinking he had misheard. “…What did you say?”

“I said, in that rental apartment, when I still couldn’t remember who I was, I already wanted to marry you. That thought hasn’t changed to this day. Shen Xici, do you dare say this is a momentary emotional impulse?”

Shen Xici was speechless.

“As for the hormones you mentioned,” Sheng Shaoyan cast aside his dignity and pride, laying his desires bare before him. “Yes, I fucking want to kiss you countless times every day. I want to press you down on the bed, kiss every inch of you. I want to be locked in a room with you, so that day and night, you can only be with me, with only me in your eyes!”

His fingers unconsciously clenched, wrinkling the bedsheet in his grasp.

Catching his subtle wavering, Sheng Shaoyan pressed closer, not allowing him to look away. “But, setting aside these desires, my reason has evaluated it countless times, and I am still certain that no matter how many times I lose my memory, I will fall in love with you again. You are the person I want, the person I want to spend my life with.”

The direct expression of love came crashing over him like a wave. It would be a lie to say he wasn’t surprised or shaken. Shen Xici had never seen Sheng Shaoyan so out of composure. He had never imagined that Sheng Shaoyan’s thoughts would be like this.

Extinguishing the flames ignited by Sheng Shaoyan’s words little by little, Shen Xici looked at him and asked softly, “But, Ah Shao, even if it’s not a momentary impulse, not the delusion of hormones, so what? I could die easily. I could even lose my heartbeat in front of you the next second. Is it really worth it to spend a lifetime with someone who could die at any moment?”

His face was wet with tears. Only then did Shen Xici realize he was crying. He cried quietly, without a sound, but the tears wouldn’t stop.

He saw himself sitting in the car, watching from a distance as Cheng Ningyu and Xu Lingjia’s family hugged and cried together.

He saw his adult self carrying his luggage, standing in front of the ruins of his house.

He saw his younger self standing by the door, looking with confusion at Zhuo Suli, who was speaking gently to the poster on the wall…

If a person’s life is pieced together by many moments.

He heard Sheng Shaoyan’s gentle and firm answer:

“You are worth it. Being with you, even for just one second, is worth it.”