During evening self-study, Xie Lan and Dou Sheng switched seats.

“I’ll help block the eyes from the back door for you.” Dou Sheng stuffed his phone into Xie Lan’s hand and whispered, “Just talk to them in the ‘Sow Beans’ group.”

Xie Lan took the phone, feeling uncertain. “Will they believe it’s me talking?”

“When you talk… there’s a natural clumsiness. I couldn’t fake that flavor even if I tried.” Dou Sheng pondered for a moment. “Anyway, this bunch just runs wild on top of my head. If you explain it, maybe there’s a glimmer of hope.”

Math evening self-study wasn’t very quiet. Occasionally, people discussed problems in low voices, while others tacitly put in earplugs.

Xie Lan hesitated facing the QQ group named “Sow Beans Reap Beans” (Zhong Dou De Dou).

Actually, he was a bit numb now. After scrolling through comments for two hours during the lunch break, he even suspected he was about to be convinced.

Maybe his memory and self-perception were fake…?

Maybe he really was Dou Sheng’s female cousin??

Che Ziming called this “if you can’t beat them, join them.”

Dou Sheng smiled. “Just try again. If it still doesn’t work this time, it means this pack of runaway wild dogs is really playing high. We won’t engage with them head-on. Wait for a while until their excitement passes, then I’ll mention I have a normal male friend like you.”

Xie Lan hesitated. “But now some people think you’re in love…”

“Doesn’t matter.” Dou Sheng glanced at Old Ma at the podium desk and lowered his voice. “My fans just love to talk nonsense, but their mentality is very inclusive, like me. The core idea is three words: doesn’t matter (Wu Suo Wei).”

He thought for a moment and muttered again, “Actually, about the dating thing, I guess they know in their hearts it’s unlikely. Just messing around with me. I’ve been a bit down since New Year, and it’s not the first or second time they’ve tried to blow me up (get a reaction).”

As he spoke, Dou Sheng yawned, pulled out a difficult competition problem, and started solving it.

He seemed to have always been very peaceful.

Just like he said himself: doesn’t matter, don’t care.

Xie Lan had no choice but to bend over the desk and argue painstakingly.

After a while, he looked up and nudged Dou Sheng’s elbow.

Dou Sheng looked up from the paper. “?”

“They insist that hand belongs to a girl.” Xie Lan frowned and asked in a low voice, “I want to express that boys’ and girls’ hands are very different. How should I say it?”

Dou Sheng tapped his pen and thought. “Jiong Ran Bu Tong (Widely different)?”

“Oh.” Xie Lan realized. “Seems to have seen this idiom before.”

Xie Lan pressed on the phone for a while, then sighed irritably.

Dou Sheng couldn’t help leaning over. “What’s wrong?”

“Can’t type the character ‘Jiong’.” Xie Lan whispered.

Dou Sheng leaned in to look: jong.

He lay on the table laughing silently for a while, then typed that character for Xie Lan and sent it.

Dou: I’m temporarily living at his house, really a boy. Boys’ and girls’ hands are widely different (Jiong Ran Bu Tong), so why think it’s a girl?

–Too fair and tender.

–Warm fragrance and soft jade.

–Charming and coquettish.

Dou: Sigh, because I play the violin, I protect my hands, and sometimes use lotion.

–What is lotion?

–Upstairs, it’s hand cream.

–Oh right, a returnee.

–Which country did you come from again?

Dou: UK.

–Nice nice.

–I believed it was a sister just now, but now I think it’s Douzi pretending, just wants to show off.

–Let him show off!

–What do you play?

Dou: Violin.

Dou Sheng couldn’t help looking up and asking, “How did it turn into a Q&A session?”

Xie Lan was dazed. “…Right.”

Walking out after school, Dou Sheng wore Bluetooth earphones, calling the pet shipping company while continuing to scroll through the chat history in the group.

He laughed out loud several times.

“Yes, one to City X, two to City S, hahaha, cough one to City G. Picking up cats on the weekend.”

“Pfft… nothing, just check if there are flights on the weekend first.”

“Mmh.”

He hung up the phone.

He stuffed the phone into his pocket. “Little Friend Xie Lan, thanks to you, they also found a few frames in the dialect video where your hand entered the shot. People who usually are stingy and refuse to give coins have all given them. The data has surged now.”

Xie Lan tugged at his sleeve and pulled the screen in front of him—

Indeed, 240k likes, 200k coins. Doubled compared to two days ago, a proper counter-attack against Neighbor Night God.

The comments were all discussing “Cousin’s” hand that accidentally entered the shot.

Xie Lan’s eyelids were a bit heavy. He said hoarsely, “Your fans seem a bit unique.”

“Ignore them.” Dou Sheng smiled. “I say, does that friend of yours with three million fans care a lot about these things?”

Xie Lan paused. “Huh?”

“Forget what he taught you.” Dou Sheng said, “My fans are different. They are family. Speak directly, love to joke, but won’t take it to heart. Anyway, bear with it. I thought about this matter too. If you really want to solve it immediately, there’s only one way left.”

Xie Lan shivered. “What?”

“You appear on camera.” Dou Sheng said, “I’ll start a livestream. You show your face and hands in the camera for everyone to see. If that doesn’t work, take out the return ticket. Evidence conclusive, case closed.”

Xie Lan wilted hearing this. “I don’t really want to be on camera.”

“Why?” Dou Sheng raised an eyebrow. “At least a handsome little guy, afraid of people looking?”

Not why. Just simply not used to it.

Maybe it was the so-called camera shyness. In his two-year YouTuber career, he only appeared as a silhouette and was used to not showing his face.

Zhao Wenying wasn’t there. Dou Sheng talked to her on the phone for ten minutes discussing which cold medicine was suitable for Xie Lan. The medicine finally decided upon wasn’t at home and had to be ordered for delivery.

Xie Lan took a hot shower and curled up in the quilt waiting for the delivery. As a result, he fell asleep before the medicine arrived.

In his confusion, someone pinched his mouth open. Something with a plastic texture probed in. His throat itched, and he subconsciously made a swallowing motion.

Then a faint bitterness spread in his mouth. Xie Lan kept looking for candy in his dream.

Early the next morning, he was awakened by a startled cry from next door.

“Promising, this bunch of idiots!”

The four cats in Dou Sheng’s room also woke up, meowing one after another.

Xie Lan sat up. It was very hot inside the quilt, but chilly as soon as he lifted it. His hands and feet were soft, and his stomach was hungry. Fortunately, his head felt much lighter; the fever should have subsided.

He fumbled for his phone in a daze, but his hand touched a syringe-like object on the bedside table.

To be precise, it was thinner than a regular syringe. The plunger handle was cute green, with two finger loops at the end. There was no needle near the “tip,” but an open, slightly elastic small plastic tube.

Wasn’t this… the pet medicine feeder bought from the hospital when picking up the cats, which hadn’t been used yet?

Why would this thing appear on his bedside table?

Xie Lan held that thing in confusion for a while, didn’t understand, gave up, and threw it aside.

He found his phone and habitually clicked on Weibo. As soon as he entered, he found something was wrong.

Everyone was shouting at Dou Sheng to “Go watch Bilibili’s daily hot list.”

On Bilibili’s daily hot list, a new Uploader named “Beat Dou Dou If Unhappy” posted the first video of their career. It dropped from the sky onto the homepage and had already reached 600k views so far.

Douzi’s Thousand Layer Routine (Tricks)

It compiled many shots from Dou Sheng’s past videos, mixed with Xie Lan’s hand and Dou Sheng’s hand. The BGM was the Japanese song Kasane Teku, translated to English and then Chinese, roughly meaning “A Thousand Routines/Tricks.” Sweet love song style; the original lyrics talked about various small tricks to attract a partner.

But this video performed a very spirited Chinese cover adaptation.

“First meeting, gotta start a livestream

Pretending to be cold, showing off I have a cousin!

Carefully choosing pleasant milk tea, afraid TA¹ is thirsty

Facing fans, still have to say aloofly ‘just bought casually’!

Found the plane landing, never hesitate

End stream, turn off phone, Cousin I am coming

That day, carefully wore the most youthful white

Sportswear represents my free and easy personality!

Take TA to the roof at night to enjoy the wind

Calling it ‘engaging in creation’

Is there true affection revealed in the dialect mix?

Only the TA present knows!

Relationship upgrade still lacks a fire

But to capture TA, there are many ways!

One, hide beauty in a golden house, don’t let others know!

Two, post on Weibo, fans cheering to see TA blush!

Three, let TA punch once, then aggravate the injury myself, showing collarbone for TA to see~

Like this, won’t TA raise hands to surrender?

This is the thousand tricks of Douzi liking you.”

Xie Lan: “………………”

The bedroom door was pushed open. Dou Sheng appeared holding his phone, looking at him as if he wanted to speak but stopped.

After a long time, Dou Sheng asked, “Is there a feeling of… scalp tingling, electricity running through the whole body?”

“……” Xie Lan used his trembling left hand to hold down his trembling right hand. “Yes.”

Xie Lan continued watching the phone blankly.

He had already turned the volume of the music full of pink atmosphere to the lowest. To avoid seeing those ridiculous Chinese lyrics, he maximized the screen ratio of the bullet comments (danmu).

But there seemed to be even more strange things in the bullet comments.

“Are you better?”

Dou Sheng put the phone into his pocket, walked over, reached out to brush away the messy hair on Xie Lan’s forehead, and touched his forehead.

“Cool. The fever reducer I gave you last night was a bit strong. Drink some porridge this morning?”

Xie Lan nodded, then suddenly felt something was wrong.

“When did you give me medicine?”

Dou Sheng glanced nonchalantly at the pet medicine feeder on the bedside table. “After you fell asleep.”

Xie Lan: “??”

Various ridiculous things were about to explode his sick, short-circuited brain.

Xie Lan and Dou Sheng, one sitting and one standing, tacitly watched the video playing at a very low volume on the screen without words.

The sweet and cheerful melody looped constantly, actually somewhat brainwashing.

A few minutes later, the video finally reached its end.

With ten seconds left, the music had stopped. A few lines of words slowly appeared on the black screen.

[Liver-bursting (Hard work) gift to Douzi and the “Cousin” whose gender is unknown]

[Purely entertainment, moderate meme-ing outside the video]

[Hope my favorite UP Ren Jian Jue Shuai Dou walks out of the trough and be happy]

Dou Sheng glanced at these sentences. His eyes seemed to fluctuate for an instant, but he quickly looked away with a faint smile and scoffed.

“A bunch of idiots.” He said in a low voice, “Believing one moment, not believing the next. Deliberately playing me.”

Xie Lan clutched his phone and spaced out for a good while.

Don’t know why, he suddenly had an impulse, an impulse he hadn’t had for a very, very long time.

He silently tossed a coin to the video and asked in a low voice, “You forecasted a game livestream for Friday night, right? How about… together?”

—

1. In spoken Chinese, “He” (他), “She” (她), and “It” (它) are all pronounced exactly the same: Tā
   The fans are using “TA” to tease the fact that they still don’t really know (or care) if the “Cousin” is a boy or a girl. ↩︎