Chapter 42: Childhood Ruins

Zhu Zhixi had a sudden epiphany.

Abruptly, he remembered something Fu Rangyi had said unconsciously during his susceptible period.

“The auntie said, don’t hug the… children here.”

So the “here” he was talking about was this place. This closed, abandoned children’s welfare center.

Ruins—the remains of human activity. This place was the ruin of Fu Rangyi’s childhood.

Children in a welfare center shouldn’t be hugged casually. Once hugged, they develop expectations, a longing to be held and coaxed forever. When these adults leave, only the “aunties” who worked at the center remain, and they are simply too overwhelmed to hold them all.

For a long time, the doubts that arose during their interactions, the details that had perplexed him, the favoritism of Fu’s parents, the terrible family atmosphere… all found their answer.

His eyes quickly reddened, and his nose ached so much he thought he was about to have another nosebleed. He even subconsciously raised a hand to touch it. Nothing. There was nothing. He was just too sad. The calmer and gentler Fu Rangyi’s smile was, the more it hurt.

As they looked at each other, this suffocating empathy became a mirror. The pain in Zhu Zhixi’s eyes became a reflection of the deepest part of Fu Rangyi’s heart.

Fu Rangyi raised a hand and touched his cheek. “Don’t cry, okay?”

His tone was calm and restrained, like an outsider’s. “If this is going to make you sad, I think it’s better not to say anything.”

The moment he finished, Zhu Zhixi grabbed his hand. He shook his head, his eyes red.

“No, you can’t.” As he spoke, he turned his face and quickly wiped the dust off the photo frame’s glass with his other hand. His fingertip, urgent yet firm, pointed to one of the blurry, childish faces.

“Second row, fifth one.” Zhu Zhixi turned his head, his grip on Fu Rangyi’s hand exceptionally tight. “Am I right?”

Fu Rangyi’s brow furrowed slightly. He had thought that after all this time, he had forged himself into solid rock, that he would no longer feel self-pity or grieve over this.

But Zhu Zhixi seemed to have the magic touch to turn stone back into a “heart.” At that moment, what his fingertip had poked was not the photo of himself, not a piece of stone, but a soft, fragile muscle.

He couldn’t decipher his own complex emotions for a moment, so he just smiled and nodded.

“Yes, you’re amazing.”

Zhu Zhixi didn’t feel happy at this compliment. He just silently held his wrist, silently gazing at the photograph.

After a moment, Zhu Zhixi said softly, “So you haven’t liked to smile since you were little, and you’ve liked wearing white since you were little.”

He looked back at him. “Like a little snowman.”

Fu Rangyi gazed at him. “Like the one you built?”

Zhu Zhixi shook his head. “Not at all. You’re much better-looking than it was.”

It melted, but you’re still fine. You’re stronger than it was, Zhu Zhixi didn’t say aloud.

Fu Rangyi chuckled lightly.

“How old were you then?” Zhu Zhixi tried his best to keep his voice steady, to make himself sound calm as well.

Fu Rangyi said, “Four years old.”

Another silence. The wind howled, passing through the lonely corridor. Fu Rangyi understood Zhu Zhixi; he knew he was kind and soft. Even if it weren’t him, but a strange orphan, he would feel sad for them.

Letting the naturally sensitive Zhu Zhixi take the initiative to ask was actually very cruel. So Fu Rangyi spoke himself.

Even though for him, opening up and expressing himself was like tearing apart two pages stuck together—extremely difficult.

“According to the aunties here, I was abandoned at the back door of the welfare center. The surveillance cameras didn’t capture the person who left me. I was wrapped in swaddling clothes and placed in a foam box. Inside, there was only a slip of paper with my birthday on it, nothing else.”

“No one knows who my parents are. So, in the hospital, when you said you wanted me to accept that treatment plan, I wasn’t ignoring your opinion, I was just a bit stunned. I didn’t know you had heard, and I didn’t know how to tell you that, actually, I can’t find any direct relatives to help with the treatment.”

The draft was too cold. He saw Zhu Zhixi trembling.

So Fu Rangyi didn’t continue, but first led him up to the second floor and pushed open the first door. Inside, there were still some small wooden beds that weren’t worth moving.

“Based on my birth date, I should have been two months old when I came here.”

He narrated with great restraint, without emotion, only describing facts. “Growing up here actually wasn’t as bad as people imagine. Every child received a government subsidy each month, and sometimes there was help from kind people in society. Food and clothing weren’t a concern.”

“It’s like… a special school. Because the children here are all a bit unusual,” Fu Rangyi explained. “From a young age, I had a very direct understanding of various rare diseases, all learned from my childhood playmates. Compared to them, I was the one who looked the most normal on the outside.”

Zhu Zhixi had never been so quiet. This made Fu Rangyi a little uneasy, but he was also afraid for Zhu Zhixi to speak. Even the slightest expression of sympathy from him would make it impossible for him to continue.

“So, people wanted to adopt me very early on, so early that I have no memory of it, I only heard it from the aunties. Every time, I was the quickest to be chosen among all the children.”

Every time. Hearing these two words, Zhu Zhixi found it hard to bear.

He thought of the stray animal station he and Liang Yi’en had founded. When it was open for adoptions, the ones chosen the fastest were always the beautiful kittens and puppies.

Fu Rangyi… in the photo, in the welfare center, anywhere, was outstandingly beautiful.

But why was he still in the welfare center at four years old? He couldn’t bring himself to ask.

“The first family that decided to adopt me seemed to be a family of doctors. They were very satisfied with my appearance, but also very cautious, hoping I was as healthy as I looked. So before officially completing the procedures, they took me, still an infant, for a very thorough examination. It was then that they discovered there was a problem with my glands. To put it simply, there was a risk in my development and differentiation. I might fail to differentiate when I grew up and become sexually disabled.”

Speaking of this, Fu Rangyi smiled slightly. “Looking at it now, that possibility is actually what I would have wanted. Unfortunately, I’m not.”

Zhu Zhixi gripped his hand.

“Don’t say that,” Zhu Zhixi said in a hoarse voice.

Fu Rangyi didn’t say okay, nor did he nod. He just squeezed his hand back and continued, “Anyway, that couple gave up, which is normal. The welfare center couldn’t deceive any adopters, so this hidden risk was written into my file. From that day on, I completely integrated into this environment, finally no longer the only normal child.”

“Later, I grew up day by day and started to have memories. My impression of childhood was that strangers would come to see me every so often. They all looked at me the same way, with sympathy, with pity, and with scrutiny. Adoption is a very serious matter, so basically, after they learned about the developmental risk of my glands, they all gave up.”

As a child who grew up in a welfare center, he was very accustomed to a life of being chosen.

Other children, due to various obvious illnesses or disabilities like albinism, autism, deafness, etc., might have had a hard time being chosen from the very beginning. Fu Rangyi, on the contrary, was the most beautiful child in the welfare center. Not only was there no problem with his intelligence, but it even surpassed that of his peers. Without exception, adopters would choose him at first sight.

And then they would give him up.

At first, he didn’t understand. When he heard “an uncle and auntie want to see you,” he would be very happy. Before long, the uncles and aunties who smiled and stroked his face, who squeezed his hand, would disappear.

Day after day, year after year.

He was a beautiful doll displayed on a counter. So beautiful that everyone who passed by would stop, pick him up, take a look, turn him over, and wind him up. And so he would clatter and sing as he moved forward on the ground. Until the shopkeeper ran over and told the customer that this was actually a defective sample.

Oh, is that so. They’d put the doll down, say sorry, and leave.

Then the next customer would arrive.

He had to get used to it, whether he liked it or not.

“Later, when I was over four, I remember it was a winter. My adoptive parents came, my current parents.” Fu Rangyi stared at the gray sky outside the window. “They had a very good relationship, but they had been married for five years and couldn’t have a child.”

Zhu Zhixi’s grip on his hand tightened.

“It was actually because my adoptive mother also had a problem with her gland development.”

Speaking of this, Fu Rangyi’s tone even became a little lighter. “Perhaps it was because of this small commonality that they felt I was a bit like their own child, that it was fate destined by heaven. This defect, instead, became the reason they chose me.”

Although he said so, Zhu Zhixi understood in his heart. The Fu family chose him not just because of the risk of incomplete gland development, but more because this child truly stood head and shoulders above the rest. With their wealth and status, they had probably screened through many welfare centers many times. Fu Rangyi’s qualifications must have been the most satisfactory to them.

He was a promising seedling they could never have produced themselves.

“Actually, the day I was taken away, I was very happy. I had a feeling of being chosen. It was my first time in such a luxurious car, the cushions were so soft, much more comfortable than my bed. And I was held by my adoptive mother the whole way.”

They said many things on the road.

“From now on, we are your mom and dad. You are no longer a child without a home.”

“Whatever you want, whatever you like, just tell Mom and Dad, and we will get it for you.”

“Don’t be afraid. You have suffered. In the future, you will be happier than any other child.”

It was so cold that day. A thin layer of mist condensed on the car window. Outside, the woods receded rapidly, shadowy and indistinct, with light flowing like a dream. Snow fell from the sky, large white flakes drifting down like the many knots of a large net. It was only when Fu Rangyi recalled this scene again later that he understood it was the net of fate. It had lured him with the illusion of “happiness” and ensnared him.

He hated winter.

He always received beautiful packages in the winter, only to find them empty when opened.

“They were indeed very good to me, that cannot be denied. They gave me a name, gave me very superior conditions, and care. At first, I was a bit guarded, but under their care, I slowly began to accept and adapt, feeling that this was my home, and they were my parents. Until two years later, my adoptive mother unexpectedly became pregnant. Before my seventh birthday, Fu Liaoxing was born.”

Just as he, who was slow to warm up, had completely opened his heart to his parents, their biological child was born.

Noticing that Zhu Zhixi’s hand was trembling, Fu Rangyi’s originally limp fingers tightened their grip slightly.

“So, they stopped loving you.”

He could hear that Zhu Zhixi had held back these words for as long as he could, his voice thick with tears. He turned, sighed silently, and pulled Zhu Zhixi into his arms.

“To say they didn’t love me is a bit absolute. It’s just that everyone is selfish. My adoptive mother had a very difficult pregnancy, she needed injections every month. It was hard just watching her. She almost miscarried several times, and giving birth to him was like walking through the gates of hell. If you put yourself in their shoes, a child born after so much hardship, a piece of their own flesh, who also looked more like them, how could they not be biased?”

“You probably won’t believe it, but at first, I also really liked my brother. That’s why I said I can understand your brother, I really can.”

Zhu Zhixi looked up at him with red eyes. “Why?”

As if he knew he wouldn’t understand, Fu Rangyi lowered his head, stroked his hair, and explained patiently.

“Because he was different. Between my adoptive parents and me, it was a relationship of being chosen. They were adults, stronger than me, so my feelings for them also included fear.”

“But Fu Liaoxing arrived suddenly, a tiny baby who would cry and would smile at me. I was very naive at that time, even thinking that I finally had a family bond that belonged to me. Not a relationship of adoption and being adopted, but a real family bond. We would grow up together, I could be a good older brother, take care of him, protect him.”

This was the second time he had opened his heart.

“And it was indeed like that at the very beginning. Fu Liaoxing was very dependent on me from a young age. He went wherever I went. Later, one time, a very important guest came to our house. That uncle saw me and asked me to come and sit with them. My adoptive father had me pour tea for the guest. Just as I picked up the teapot, my brother rode over on his scooter and accidentally bumped into me. The tea spilled on the guest’s hand. Although he didn’t say anything, it was obvious he wasn’t happy, he just couldn’t fuss over a child.”

“My adoptive father was furious and scolded both of us. That night, I couldn’t sleep. I thought my brother might have been scared too, so I wanted to comfort him. When I got to his door, I heard my adoptive father’s voice.”

“He was comforting him,” Zhu Zhixi said, frowning.

“I guess so.” Fu Rangyi reached up to smooth his brow. “He said, ‘Dad shouldn’t have gotten angry at you today, Dad was wrong.’ My brother said, ‘Dad, you got angry at brother too, that was also wrong.’ At that time, my adoptive father thought for a moment and told him, ‘You two are different. You are the precious baby that Mom worked so hard to give birth to.'”

“How could he say that?” Zhu Zhixi’s lips trembled with anger, but tears fell first.

“I don’t know either. Maybe he had wanted to say it for a long time, like when I took Fu Liaoxing to climb trees, or when I gave him a ride on my bike and we fell. Anyway, after that day, Fu Liaoxing knew I was adopted. The relationship between us also began to become subtle.”

A young child’s sense of good and evil is chaotic. When endowed with the concepts of “special” and “unique,” and guided by parental bias, a kind of naive arrogance naturally develops.

I am the biological child, you are not. So in my home, you are no longer the older brother who is superior to me; you are at the bottom of this family’s priority list.

“Blood ties severed our bond. Later, he developed a sense of competition with me. The same tutor, the same piano teacher, would praise me and tell him to learn from his older brother. All of this made our relationship worse and worse. He didn’t even want to ride in the same car to school with me. Whatever was mine, he wanted.”

Zhu Zhixi clutched his wrist, raised his eyes, and once again showed that tearful gaze. His lips moved, but he didn’t dare to ask.

Fu Rangyi saw through him at a glance.

“That’s right, Ruby was one of them. You asked me before, and I didn’t want to talk about it then. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust you, I just felt…” He sighed. “It’s so tiring to dig all of this out.”

Zhu Zhixi blinked a few times, and large, crystal-clear tears rolled down. He turned his face away and hugged Fu Rangyi tightly.

Seeing him cry, Fu Rangyi felt conflicted. On one hand, he didn’t want Zhu Zhixi to be sad, didn’t want to be pitied. On the other hand, he felt a secret, abnormal pleasure. Zhu Zhixi had said that he rarely cried after becoming an adult. And he had indeed only cried for his departed mother.

Such an honest person, yet he avoided writing down the reasons that would make him cry, because they were truly very, very heavy.

Now, he had also become a reason for Zhu Zhixi’s tears.

“Don’t cry, okay?” He took a tissue from his pocket, pulled one out, and gently pressed it to Zhu Zhixi’s eyes. “The wind is so strong, you’ll get a headache later.”

“Should we stop here?” He tilted his head slightly, trying to see Zhu Zhixi’s eyes.

For some reason, this sentence seemed to make Zhu Zhixi even sadder. As if he were a prophet who clearly knew worse things were to come, he didn’t want to stop there.

Suppressing a sob, he asked, “Will you be very sad if you keep talking?”

Fu Rangyi smiled. “It seems like you’re the one who’s sadder.”

Zhu Zhixi froze for a second, his tear-filled eyes as bright as gems.

“Then can you keep talking?”

Fu Rangyi couldn’t refuse him. “Let’s go to the car, it’s too cold here.”

As they left, Zhu Zhixi took his hand, holding it every step of the way. In a tone that was afraid of hurting him, he asked, “Did you have any good friends here?”

Having said so much in one go, Fu Rangyi had become somewhat resigned, more honest than usual.

“No.”

“I’ve always been quiet, and besides, here, being too normal is also a kind of abnormality. I didn’t like playing with them either. I only had one hobby.”

“What hobby?” Zhu Zhixi asked.

“Digging in the dirt,” he said.

“Really?”

Zhu Zhixi finally smiled, looking very pleased, and nodded. “Mhm.”

They had just come downstairs. He pointed to the flowerbed below and outside the main gate, saying, “I often dug in the dirt. Occasionally, I’d dig up some glass marbles, broken glass, packaging bags—basically trash, but I thought some of it was beautiful, so I would wash it clean and store it in a small box under my bed.”

“And then?” Zhu Zhixi pressed on. “What happened to these treasures you dug up?”

Treasures? What a strange word. But it was indeed a word Zhu Zhixi would use.

“I took them to the Fu family home.”

“Can you show them to me next time?” Zhu Zhixi linked his arm.

Fu Rangyi was quiet for a few seconds, then said, “I’m afraid I can’t. The cleaner at home was cleaning and threw the small box away as trash.”

The light in Zhu Zhixi’s eyes instantly went out, just like his had back then.

They got into the car, this time sitting together in the back seat. Fu Rangyi turned on the heat, and the temperature slowly rose. The white interior of the car felt like it had become a warm tent.

In the silence, Fu Rangyi suddenly spoke, saying something seemingly out of the blue.

“There’s so much snow this year.”

Zhu Zhixi looked at him.

“It used to snow only once a year. When it snowed, we would get to eat glutinous rice balls.”

“What kind of rice balls?” Zhu Zhixi asked.

Fu Rangyi turned his head to look at him and smiled.

White rice balls that look a lot like you.

“I’ll make them for you next time,” he replied.

Zhu Zhixi nodded and said softly, “You said it, don’t forget.” His hand moved closer, touched his, and hooked his pinky finger.

Like a child. A faint smile touched the corners of Fu Rangyi’s mouth as he looked at him. He noticed Zhu Zhixi opening his lips several times, wanting to speak but hesitating.

“What else do you want to ask?”

Zhu Zhixi looked at the back of his neck, where the bite mark he had left still remained.

“Although the examination when you were little showed a risk in your gland development, that you might not be able to differentiate… you still successfully differentiated in the end, and as an S-class Alpha.” Zhu Zhixi asked in a low voice, “The differentiation process, it probably wasn’t easy, right?”

Hearing this question, Fu Rangyi was very sharp and sensed something. He even suspected that Zhu Zhixi really knew something beforehand but hadn’t mentioned it due to their prior agreement not to pry.

“Mhm,” he admitted. “This is the part I said Li Qiao was involved in. I’ll tell you about it in a moment.”

“But I must first clarify, he has never been to this welfare center, nor does he know of its existence. I have never told anyone these things.”

Zhu Zhixi immediately raised his hand, habitually swearing again. “Don’t worry, I will definitely help you keep it a secret…”

But Fu Rangyi took his raised hand, brought it down, and said, “That’s not what I mean.”

Their fingers intertwined, and their wedding rings clinked with a soft sound. He said solemnly, “I just want to tell you that you are, indeed, the most special one.”

---

Author’s Note:

–Back to the day of their first meeting at the blind date–

When the waiter was serving coffee, he was accidentally bumped into, and the coffee spilled. Professor Fu was distracted for a second, thinking of himself. Later, he was no longer in the mood to continue chatting and also felt it was strange that Xiao Zhu suddenly grabbed his hand, so he planned to end the blind date directly. But as he was leaving, he unexpectedly saw Xiao Zhu go to help the waiter out of his predicament. To others, it was a very small thing. Wasn’t it just a kind customer? But to Fu Rangyi, it was more than that.

That was the first time he realized that he, back then, had also desperately longed for such a person to appear, to rescue him, to comfort him, and to tell him with a smile that it was a small matter and that it wasn’t his fault. But that person never appeared.

Or rather, he appeared a little too late.