Chapter 43: The Pain of Differentiation

In that second, Fu Rangyi’s smile fell like snow into Zhu Zhixi’s eyes, melting into warm tears.

He was filled with frustration, regretting that he had complained so much about his personality on the night of the first snow, blaming him for always being angry, for always saying harsh things. But even so, Fu Rangyi had only replied that he had grown up that way.

Only today did Zhu Zhixi understand that the “that way” he spoke of and the “that way” he had understood were on completely different levels.

He once thought he was good at comforting people, at providing emotional value for others, and that he was full of energy. But at this moment, a deep sense of powerlessness bound him. To go from being as rich as a country to having empty pockets, it turned out, was a matter of an instant.

“I…” After choking for a long time, Zhu Zhixi still didn’t know what to say. In the end, he chose to hug him, very tightly, holding him incredibly close.

His arms circled Fu Rangyi’s back, his palms moving up to press firmly against his shoulder blades through his clothes, his fingertips clasping tight. Their two hearts collided, and he could even feel the subtle resonance.

After a while, Fu Rangyi also gently wrapped his arms around his waist.

Zhu Zhixi suddenly said, “I want to become an octopus.”

The sentence was strange, and abrupt. He knew.

Fu Rangyi’s light laugh brushed past his ear, and Zhu Zhixi’s ears quickly grew hot.

He thought Fu Rangyi would ask “Why?” If he had, Zhu Zhixi would have been a little embarrassed to answer. He just simply felt that two arms were far from enough for an embrace; the more, the better.

But Fu Rangyi didn’t ask. He said, “Let’s forget about it.”

“Why?” Zhu Zhixi asked.

Fu Rangyi didn’t answer directly. He seemed to ponder for a moment, then said, “You should become a lighthouse jellyfish.”

What a strange conversation.

“Why a lighthouse jellyfish?” he pressed, not giving up.

Fu Rangyi paused for a moment and said, “Because they’re beautiful.”

“You dislike octopuses,” Zhu Zhixi told him. “An octopus’s tentacles are very powerful.”

Fu Rangyi said nothing.

Fine, a jellyfish it is, then. Zhu Zhixi held him tightly, thinking to himself that whatever he liked, it would be. Anyway, jellyfish also have many, many tentacles, which could also be used to hold him, to entangle him.

He cared so much that, in his heart, he read Fu Rangyi’s answer over and over. A translucent jellyfish really appeared in his mind, like a mushroom, floating in the water, its thread-like tentacles dancing with the waves. Then Zhu Zhixi thought, could it be that Fu Rangyi actually preferred a gentler embrace?

So, he slowly relaxed his arms, holding him like a jellyfish, his hands gently moving up, tentatively touching the back of his neck, stroking it softly.

But Fu Rangyi seemed to have misunderstood his intention, thinking he was still curious about the gland, so he began a new round of self-dissection on his own.

“Many children begin their gland development and differentiation at the age of twelve. I was the last one in my class.”

Hearing him start to speak, Zhu Zhixi suddenly felt sad again. He inexplicably felt that Fu Rangyi was like a little dog eager to be adopted, obediently and proactively standing up to wave “bye-bye” at him.

But he didn’t interrupt. He knew that talking about it would make him feel better. Fu Rangyi’s silence, in the end, was because there weren’t many people who could listen to him.

“Mhm.” Zhu Zhixi rested his head on his shoulder. “I differentiated at thirteen. A lot of people felt it was a pity for me back then.”

“A pity that you differentiated into a Beta?”

“Yeah, a lot of classmates thought I should be an A or an O, but I was very happy myself because I wouldn’t have to listen properly in physiology class anymore.” He deliberately teased Fu Rangyi and, as expected, made him laugh.

At the time, Zhu Zhixi didn’t have much concept of secondary genders, but the people around him seemed to hold a certain prejudice, feeling it was a great regret that he was a Beta. This, of course, inevitably affected Zhu Zhixi, as he was still young and his thinking wasn’t fully formed.

But when he got home, Da Zhu and Lao Zhu threw him a grand surprise party, shouting arrhythmically, “Warmly celebrate Zhu Zhixi’s differentiation into a Beta!” The house was decorated so grandly it was almost comical, with streamers sprayed all over his head that the three of them spent a long time clumsily picking off.

At that time, he asked Lao Zhu, brother is an S-class Alpha, but I’m a Beta, do you feel it’s a bit of a pity?

Before Lao Zhu could answer, Da Zhu popped out from somewhere and said loudly: What’s wrong with being a Beta? Betas are the pillars of the country, the most fully evolved gender. What kind of gender discrimination are you practicing?

They stood on a floor of streamers and petals arguing, smearing cake on each other’s faces. After a truce, Lao Zhu came closer and told him that Beta was the freest gender, able to choose anyone and any life.

“If I were your classmate, I would only be envious of you.”

Fu Rangyi’s words pulled him out of his memories.

He smiled, lifting his face from Fu Rangyi’s embrace and looking at him with bright, clear eyes. “If you were my classmate, I would annoy you every day.”

He added, “No need to even think about it, you must have had tons of people who liked you in school. You couldn’t even keep up with all the love letters, right?”

Fu Rangyi: “Are you introducing yourself?”

A cunning light flashed in Zhu Zhixi’s eyes. He pulled away from his embrace and laughed. “I was right. Every time you want to avoid something, you use a rhetorical question.”

Fu Rangyi’s expression became calmer as he fell into memory.

After a while, he said, “The time when my relationship with Fu Liaoxing soured was right around when I was taking exams for middle school. To avoid conflict, I took the initiative to test into A High School, which was a six-year boarding school for both middle and high school.”

“That’s very hard to get into,” Zhu Zhixi praised. “You’re really amazing.”

And you started school earlier than everyone else. The thought of Fu Rangyi being the youngest in his class made Zhu Zhixi’s heart soften.

“It was alright. The good thing was that I didn’t have to go home every day. The bad thing was also obvious. In a boarding school, interpersonal relationships are very close, you’re together 24 hours a day. Someone with a personality like mine doesn’t fit in well.”

In fact, not fitting in was Fu Rangyi’s active choice. He ignored others’ approaches, rejected building relationships, and chose and accepted loneliness. By proactively cutting off social ties, no one could use that line to manipulate him or dominate his energy and time.

He said with great honesty, “I have a very clear boundary in my heart. Anything outside of it is safe. Once something tries to cross in, I feel uneasy. I’ve found that people like to hear pleasant things, they like praise. When they hear it, they can’t help but get closer. I don’t want them to get closer, especially those who have already crossed that boundary, so I would deliberately say harsh things.”

This frankness surprised Zhu Zhixi a little. He was being so sincere.

But he also caught something from it.

So, I crossed your safety boundary from the very beginning? From our very first meeting?

Zhu Zhixi was afraid he was just flattering himself and was too embarrassed to ask, so he simply remained silent.

“I didn’t have many friends, but I did have quite a few pursuers, which also resulted in me having even fewer friends. Students in their adolescence are very sensitive to secondary genders. Like you said, there’s a subtle chain of discrimination, but Betas are definitely not at the bottom. The ones at the very bottom are the children who fail to differentiate.”

His long differentiation period was a history of adolescent cruelty. High self-esteem, low birth, a talent that stood out from the rest, yet with a hidden illness buried in his body. Overly sensitive and lacking guidance. The Fu parents would give him endless living expenses, but they never attended his parent-teacher conferences, never came to see him once.

For a long time, the keywords in his search bar were [sexually disabled person], [what is it like to be genderless], [what to do if differentiation fails].

“On top of that, during the differentiation period, all the hormones in the body are in chaos. My personality was also very strange. The classmates around me differentiated one by one, and the dorm assignments kept changing. I was the only one left, and was finally assigned to a single room. At that time, only Li Qiao would proactively greet me. I later asked him why, and he said that when he got injured playing basketball in the first year of middle school, I was the one who helped him to the infirmary.”

“But I had completely forgotten about that.”

After listening, Zhu Zhixi said, “Li Qiao is really nice. I’ll never make fun of him for going to jail again.”

Fu Rangyi almost laughed.

“After moving to the single dorm, my mental state got worse and worse. I often had insomnia and needed to take more and more medication.” Fu Rangyi lowered his eyes. “In my fifteenth year, my original homeroom teacher went on maternity leave, and a substitute homeroom teacher came.”

Zhu Zhixi sensed the crucial point and asked, “What did he teach?”

“Physics.”

His heart sank, feeling the heavy sense of about to touch a wound.

“To be honest, his teaching style was very different, very interesting. I didn’t particularly like physics to begin with, but I was captivated by his classes.” Fu Rangyi’s tone was exceptionally calm. “He also had a good personality and got along with all the students. After becoming the homeroom teacher, he made a decision, requiring every student to write in a journal every day.”

“I hated writing in a journal, so for a long time, I just handed in the same words over and over: the weather, the time, and then a sentence, ‘Did nothing today, was studying.'”

Zhu Zhixi vaguely guessed something. “But he would respond to you.”

Fu Rangyi was a little surprised by Zhu Zhixi’s sensitivity, but on second thought, Zhu Zhixi was just that kind of delicate, observant person.

“Yes. He always wrote effusively, a lot. For example, he saw me in the cafeteria today and noticed I barely ate any lunch, and asked if it was a side effect of the medication. Or, for instance, he noticed I was often anxious and recommended some books to me. The next day, I would write the same sentence as usual, and he would even bring that book over and put it on my desk.”

Zhu Zhixi frowned as he listened. “How much older was he than you?”

“Seventeen years,” Fu Rangyi said.

“Seventeen years?” Zhu Zhixi’s eyes widened. “He could have fathered you!”

What kind of description was that? Fu Rangyi wanted to laugh but couldn’t.

“Yeah,” he said softly. “So, at that time, to some extent, he filled a void. It was a longing I had for care from an elder. Many students, in their teenage years, develop a natural admiration for their teachers who impart knowledge, teach, and resolve confusion. I had so, so much confusion, and finally, starting one day, I began to confide in him in my journal.”

A crack was smashed open in the tightly shut window.

Zhu Zhixi finally understood why Fu Rangyi had said that when a person fully understands you, they know how to hurt you.

“Thinking back on it now, it’s terrifying. This person pinpointed the most fragile and confused parts of my heart with particular precision. He wrote: You are excellent, and it has nothing to do with your future gender. Also, a child like you shouldn’t be chosen, but should actively choose the life you want to live…”

“When I wanted to study archaeology but was met with strong opposition from my adoptive parents, he stood up for me. Not only did he support and encourage me verbally, but he even called my dad to help persuade them.”

At that time, the young Fu Rangyi felt he was finally “understood,” understood by an elder who was both a teacher and a friend, a brother and a father.

Zhu Zhixi listened in extraordinary silence, his face growing darker and darker. It was the first time he had shown such an expression on the outside.

He even felt like he didn’t want to listen anymore. He lowered his head and covered his eyes with his hands.

“What did he do to you?” Zhu Zhixi’s voice was a little hoarse.

Fu Rangyi leaned back against the chair and said in a low voice, “He induced me, right after I had just differentiated into an Alpha, during the most unstable and dangerous phase. At that time, I had a high fever for four consecutive days, and my consciousness was completely blurred. I took sick leave, and he came to the dorm to see me.”

“I heard it was him, climbed down from my bed, and opened the door. He walked in, closed the door, and took off his bracelet, and in the enclosed single room, released the most and the thickest Omega pheromones I have ever smelled in my life.”

Zhu Zhixi’s hands were trembling. When he had heard him talk about the welfare centre and about being adopted, Zhu Zhixi had felt heartache. But now, besides the pain, he felt intense confusion and hatred.

Fu Rangyi, however, was sneering. “He even guided me to unlock my bracelet and neck ring, saying he wanted to smell what my pheromones were like. He said he liked me; isn’t that funny?”

“Don’t say any more.” He hugged Fu Rangyi.

It wasn’t funny at all. It was terrifying. A physiological revulsion and fear crawled up his throat like a snake. Zhu Zhixi felt like he was going to be sick.

A gentle, friendly, loving, and caring exquisite human skin was dissolved by pheromones, and countless maggots of desire crawled out from within.

But Fu Rangyi didn’t stop. “I really felt like I had been struck by lightning at that moment. I was so stupid to have actually opened myself up to such a person. I can’t say if it was fear or anger, but when he opened his arms to me, I directly grabbed the desk lamp and smashed it on his head, and then the chair, smashing him until he knelt on the ground. I desperately kicked him, beat him, and punched his face and his mouth with my fists.”

In a certain moment, that bloodied, unrecognizable face became Fu Rangyi’s own. The one he was beating wasn’t someone else, but the self who so easily trusted others.

“He actually said he fell in love with me. So disgusting.”

Indeed, so disgusting. As Zhu Zhixi listened, every word, every breath of air, became a needle, piercing his skin, his flesh, and his heart, and also sewing shut his desire to express his love.

So this was the beginning of Fu Rangyi’s malignant syndrome. A sexual harassment packaged as a teacher-student friendship, a nightmarish induction.

“This is attempted sexual assault of a minor,” he said, practically through gritted teeth. “Did you call the police? Was he arrested later?”

Fu Rangyi leaned against the back of the chair, turned his face, and was too numb to even blink. “No. My adoptive father’s company was going through some scandals at the time, and he didn’t want his competitors to get ahold of new material for public opinion. Besides, there were no surveillance cameras in the single dorm. I was the one who opened the door and let him in, and then I beat him half to death. I’m also an Alpha. He said the matter was difficult to handle. If it got out, people would only say, how could an Alpha be violated by an Omega?”

Zhu Zhixi let out a laugh of anger. After one laugh, his eyes reddened again.

“Of course, my adoptive father also retaliated against this person in his own way. He had the school expel him and pulled some strings so he couldn’t work in any school in the future. I heard that for a while, the man opened a tutoring center, which was also forced to shut down. The last time I heard news of him was when I was in university. My adoptive father said he had returned to his hometown, bought a house, and wasn’t doing very well, but had settled down. He would never appear in my life again.”

“And he really never did appear again,” Fu Rangyi said in a deep voice.

After listening, Zhu Zhixi looked at him, yet it seemed he was looking beyond him. Those black eyes were still moist, but they were staring straight ahead, devoid of their usual smiling warmth, appearing gloomy.

“On what grounds did he get to settle down?”

Fu Rangyi was stunned for a second.

All this time, he had believed that he had long since healed. Those scars were thicker and stronger than skin, leaving only some after-effects, a constant, faint discomfort. But at this moment, seeing Zhu Zhixi’s expression, he realized that the pus hidden underneath had never been properly cleared out, it had only been covered by a scab.

Zhu Zhixi’s anger had sliced open that scab. He was actually feeling the pain for him.

Fu Rangyi stared fixedly at this unfamiliar expression, reached out, and pinched Zhu Zhixi’s chin. “It’s all in the past, angel of justice.”

An angel wouldn’t want to kill someone.

“It’s not in the past.” You’ve never moved on.

His gaze moved down, landing on Fu Rangyi’s left arm. Through the fabric of his clothes, he could even clearly trace the shape of those scars.

“That doesn’t matter either,” Fu Rangyi said nonchalantly, then suddenly moved closer, so close their noses touched. Their breaths intertwined in the warm air. After a moment, he said in a low voice, “Why are you gritting your teeth? I thought I misheard.”

It was unclear which string snapped, but Zhu Zhixi directly cupped his face and kissed him.

They had kissed many times. But this was the first time Zhu Zhixi felt his heart was being twisted by a knife. He only now knew that every intimate touch might make Fu Rangyi recall a cruel past, yet Fu Rangyi had almost never refused.

“When you view something as a weapon, only then does it become a weapon.” He recalled this sentence again. Heavens, how could he have said it so naively back then? It was too cruel.

Even so, Fu Rangyi still didn’t get angry, didn’t try to forcefully persuade him, even though this was the source of his greatest pain.

Even though his sincere heart had been trampled on again and again, he still chose to reveal everything to him today. He had thought he was the bravest one, but only at this moment did he realize that the truly brave one was Fu Rangyi.

A shell had struggled to open itself to him, revealing its soft flesh, a heart like a pearl. And he was holding a sharp knife, the hilt so hot he could barely hold it.

This kiss deepened, becoming hard to part from, like their unexpectedly intertwined fates. The tip of his tongue brushed over his sharp canine, and Zhu Zhixi tasted the sweetness of blood and honey, and also the bitterness of tears. He had so much he wanted to say, wanted to tell Fu Rangyi that it wasn’t love, it was seduction and possession. But he also really wanted to say, I love you, it’s real love.

But he had also thought about possession. What was the difference? Would Fu Rangyi accept his love? Would he be afraid of his possessiveness? Would he be hurt by him?

His breathing became more and more rapid, heavier and heavier. Fu Rangyi seemed to notice, breaking the kiss, patting his shoulder, and lowering his head to ask softly, “What’s wrong? You don’t feel well?”

Zhu Zhixi’s face was pale, his brows furrowed, his lower lip trembling slightly.

A sudden sharp pain shot through his chest, so painful that cold sweat beaded on his body, but he didn’t dare to tell him.

After recovering for a moment, he grabbed Fu Rangyi’s wrist and said in a weak voice, “My… stomach is a little upset. I want to drink some hot water.”

He knew Fu Rangyi would get out of the car without hesitation to find water. And Fu Rangyi did exactly that.

“Wait for me in the car, don’t go anywhere. I’ll be back soon.”

“Okay…”

In the rearview mirror, Fu Rangyi quickly walked away, even starting to run, getting farther and farther, disappearing around the corner of the street. Zhu Zhixi stared. He didn’t know if it was an illusion, but the symptom of his heartache seemed to have weakened a little.

He opened the car door, tightened his coat in the cold wind, and walked back to the welfare center step by step, back to that corridor.

The draft blew like a knife scraping his face. Without hesitation, Zhu Zhixi reached out to take down the unwanted photo frame, but for some reason, he couldn’t get it off no matter what.

He suddenly started crying, tears falling pat-pat, dripping onto the concrete floor. He had never cried so sadly in his entire life.

Finally, he wiped away his tears with the back of his hand, picked up half a red brick from the ground, and smashed it hard against the photo frame, like the desperate fists the young Fu Rangyi had thrown, one strike, another, the sound of shattering echoing in the empty ruins.

Glass shattered all over the floor, and the photo fluttered down. Zhu Zhixi picked it up and wiped the little snowman’s face on it clean. He turned it over.

Like many group photos, names were printed on the back. This one was written with a ballpoint pen. Enduring the pain, Zhu Zhixi counted again and again and found his.

“廿廿” (Niàn Niàn)

He murmured it several times, wiped his tears dry, hid the photo in his coat, and returned to the car.

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Author’s Note:

Fu Rangyi’s birthday is August 25th, which was the 20th day of the 7th lunar month that year (don’t try to match it with the years in our worldview, just treat it as a parallel world). The character for twenty is 廿 (niàn), so before he was officially adopted, his name was Nian Nian.

Octopuses have very short lifespans, only a few years, but lighthouse jellyfish are special. They can achieve reverse aging through transdifferentiation and are “immortal.”