Chapter 28: P. Missing the Appointment in the Human Sea

Su Hui didn’t sleep well all night. He felt hot and had a delirious dream: he dreamed that Ning Yixiao had disappeared and couldn’t be found anywhere.

Their relationship had just begun, lasting only a day, and he was already afraid of losing it. When he woke up, he poked his head out from under the quilt and subconsciously went looking for him.

“Ning Yixiao?”

He realized belatedly that his voice was raspy. He cleared his throat, feeling even worse.

“Lie down.” Ning Yixiao walked over, carrying a porcelain bowl—a rare sight in America.

Su Hui wanted to speak, but he was incredibly dizzy, his throat ached, and every bone in his body was sore. But he hadn’t done anything to deserve this.

“You have a fever.” Ning Yixiao placed the bowl on the nightstand, wrapped an ice pack in a damp towel, and pressed it against Su Hui’s forehead. “I couldn’t wake you up this morning and that’s how I found out. It was just a brief rain, yet you get sick. You really are a…”

He stopped midway, not finishing his sentence.

Su Hui blinked, wanting to know what he meant. “A what?” He only managed four words before he started coughing, unable to stop.

Ning Yixiao stared at his flushed cheeks, lowered his head, and smiled to himself, but didn’t answer.

He hadn’t slept peacefully all night, waking up every so often to stare at Su Hui sleeping on the other bed. Around 4:00 AM, he noticed Su Hui coughing and couldn’t wake him, which scared him. The thermometer he bought finally came in handy, and Ning Yixiao was grateful for his habit of carrying alcohol wipes, which allowed him to lower Su Hui’s temperature in the early hours.

Sleeping in his illness, Su Hui was even more docile than when he had been drinking. He curled up in Ning Yixiao’s arms, even suppressing his coughs subconsciously. Ning Yixiao found the cold medicine he had prepared in his suitcase, fed it to him, and used the wipes to gently wipe his forehead, behind his ears, and his hot neck, checking his temperature every half hour.

Fortunately, it had come down quite a bit.

“Eat something.” He helped Su Hui up, propped up his pillows, and handed him the porcelain bowl.

Su Hui noticed it was a perfectly steamed egg custard, seasoned only with soy sauce and sesame oil, without the green onions he disliked.

“It should be cool by now,” Ning Yixiao said, noting it had been sitting for a while. “You might not be able to eat anything else while sick. Taste it and see if it’s okay; if not, I’ll go buy something else.”

“Did you buy this?” Su Hui looked up at him.

Ning Yixiao was honest: “It’s not easy to find. I made it, so I can’t guarantee it’s good.”

Su Hui’s heart stirred, feeling satisfied. He took a spoonful and felt Ning Yixiao was far too modest. “It’s delicious,” he mumbled.

“Still have your sense of taste; the fever didn’t fry your brain.” Ning Yixiao sat on the edge of the bed, smiling.

“Where did you make it?” Su Hui asked, like a child digging for answers.

Ning Yixiao hesitated, not mentioning that he had run to the hotel restaurant only to find it closed, nor that he had found a nearby Chinese restaurant and obtained the owner’s permission. “I borrowed a kitchen. It’s a simple dish; you can make it anywhere.” He spoke briefly, and as if unaccustomed to expressing himself, he changed the subject. “The others went to tour the school. I helped you ask for leave. Eat the rest and get some more sleep.”

Su Hui nodded, continuing to eat. He thought of his childhood, when he was punished by his grandfather for hating fried eggs and scolded loudly that “no one will always accommodate you.” Back then, Su Hui felt he was a burden, and he still felt that way now.

But Ning Yixiao seemed to be the exception. He didn’t find him troublesome, nor did he think he had done anything wrong.

He suddenly put down the half-eaten custard, hugged Ning Yixiao who was sitting on the edge of the bed, and buried his head in his shoulder.

Ning Yixiao was stunned, not understanding the sudden hug, so he touched his arm. “What’s wrong?”

Su Hui shook his head silently.

What if this sickness isn’t just a cold? he wondered.

He was grateful for the sense of security Ning Yixiao was willing to give him, for stating his love clearly from the beginning so he didn’t have to overthink, but Su Hui still couldn’t help but wonder—because the one who hadn’t been honest was himself.

Ning Yixiao touched him quietly, without any desire, from his arm to his neck, and then to his hair, offering Su Hui great comfort.

Su Hui suddenly spoke up. “Why don’t you do it with me?”

Perhaps because he was sick, his voice was muffled and raspier than usual, sounding a bit aggrieved.

Ning Yixiao couldn’t help but laugh.

Su Hui couldn’t help but look up. “What are you laughing at? Is it weird?”

Ning Yixiao wore an expression as if he were about to sigh, pinching Su Hui’s cheek. “Do you think your body can handle it? If I had continued yesterday, today you would be in the hospital on an IV drip—and for a reason even the doctors and nurses wouldn’t know how to ask about.”

Su Hui’s face burned. “Who says? I just caught the rain…” He became less confident as he spoke.

“Exactly. It’s fortunate it was just the rain.”

“But you kissed me, and you said you love me…” Su Hui didn’t understand. He felt Ning Yixiao liked him just as he liked Ning Yixiao—a complete liking. Ning Yixiao said he loved him, giving him a sense of security he had never known, but it wasn’t enough.

He just wanted to give his whole self to him. Only then would Su Hui feel he was truly possessed.

During his manic phase, he always floated in the clouds, never quite landing. The floating pleasure was accompanied by a heart left hanging in the air, always feeling that in the next second, he would fall and ruin everything.

When receiving treatment, he heard the doctor’s warnings—that many patients in a manic phase make impulsive decisions, like manic shopping or reckless, unsafe sexual impulses, and urged Su Hui to stay calm. But when it actually happened, he found he couldn’t remember, nor could he control himself.

He just wanted Ning Yixiao to hold him tightly, kiss him, and agree to all his demands. Why didn’t Ning Yixiao want to? Why didn’t he do it? Is it because he doesn’t love me enough?

“Su Hui, listen to me,” Ning Yixiao’s tone turned serious as he pulled away to look into his eyes. “I’m actually not very good at expressing myself. If you are expecting a romantic confession or sweet words, I might… disappoint you. Even so, I want you to clearly understand my feelings, what I am thinking, and why I do things this way.”

“To be honest, I was wavering yesterday. No one can keep absolute rationality in the face of their lover.” He revealed a rare, childish smile. “But doing that so hastily is not solemn enough. I don’t want you to think back on it later and feel that this person only cared about your appearance, the pleasure your skin provides.”

“Like you said to me, the people around you only love your surface. I don’t want you to fall into that kind of emotion, so I stopped, and confessed to you somewhat abruptly.”

He was sincere to an extent that surpassed Su Hui’s imagination. “Actually, I am someone who finds it very hard to make up my mind, but once I decide, I must follow through, otherwise, I will be in great pain.”

“That struggle has been going on for a long time. I will probably always remember the moment you appeared in the video room, because from that moment on, I was wavering.”

“Right up until I encountered the Manhattanhenge with you, I wanted to run away. If you hadn’t asked a second time, I really would have run.”

He smiled, but his gaze made Su Hui sad. “I am too afraid of getting trapped. You are very good, but I am still nothing. The timing isn’t right, and I am not mature enough; I am not good enough in any way.”

Su Hui couldn’t help but refute, “You are very good…”

Ning Yixiao smiled, touching Su Hui’s cheek, his eyes gentle and firm. “But since I have made the decision, I will not hide again. I will work hard, and I will give you so, so much, to ensure you have a relationship you won’t regret. It would be best if, in three, five, or ten years, you still feel very happy when you look back on this time.”

Su Hui didn’t realize he was crying after hearing this. He only felt that this person was so strange—saying so much, without a single “I like you” or “I love you,” without a single romantic vow. But he made him happy to the point of near sadness.

“You are such a fool.” He lowered his head, wiping his tears on Ning Yixiao’s shoulder, refusing to get up.

You know too little.

You don’t know that I was nearly dying the first time I saw you; you don’t know that I approached you intentionally; you don’t know that I picked through the whole garden to give you a bouquet; you don’t know that I turned everything upside down to find that candy so you would discover it was me who gave it to you.

You don’t know that to make you like me, I only dared to show you my good side, hiding the bad. You don’t know that to stop you from hiding, I played the fool, the drunk, and the pathetic, stopping at nothing.

This time, Ning Yixiao didn’t mimic him. He said honestly, “Mm, I am a fool.” He patted Su Hui’s back lightly. “You are the smart little kitten; you forgive me.”

The high fever made Su Hui dizzy, so he gathered his courage, pretending not to understand what he said, and pestered Ning Yixiao for a kiss—a kiss without any desire, not fawning, not expressing gratitude, just purely giving his own love.

“I’m going to infect you.”

“Okay,” Ning Yixiao smiled and tucked him into the covers. “We’ll be sick together.”

For the next few days, Su Hui participated in the itinerary despite his illness; he didn’t want Ning Yixiao to stay in the room and take care of him, missing out on too much. Even though there were many, many places he wanted to go and exhibitions he wanted to see that he didn’t end up visiting, Su Hui had never felt as satisfied as he did now.

On the last night, they returned to the streets where they had once been lost, walking along the route to a new neighborhood. They stopped in front of a Broadway theater, bought tickets, and went in to see a performance they had never experienced before.

As the male and female leads kissed passionately, Su Hui, sitting in the back row, subconsciously slid down, turning his head to find Ning Yixiao was doing the same—the two of them looking as if they were trying to shrink and shrink again, becoming a pair of ants that no one paid attention to.

Although this wish didn’t come true, Su Hui had another one satisfied.

Ning Yixiao leaned over, blocked their faces with the playbill, and shared a brief, sweet kiss with him amidst the cheers and applause.

He didn’t know how much Su Hui hoped that this moment would be frozen forever. They would just be a pair of tiny ants, lost in a bustling city that knew nothing of them.

But no matter how beautiful the journey, it had to end. He hadn’t thought it would be this fast, like a romance movie set on fast-forward, yet long enough to let a cold heal.

Before the return flight, sitting in the departure hall, Ning Yixiao told him that they would visit all the places they missed this time together next.

“Just the two of us?” Su Hui asked.

Ning Yixiao nodded. “Yes.”

His happiness spread from New York back to the capital, continuing into every day they met.

Su Hui would find ways to dodge his family’s surveillance, running to the lobby of Ning Yixiao’s internship company to see him and eat with him. Ning Yixiao discovered he didn’t eat fish, but would eat fish meat without bones, so he spent most of the time picking the bones out for him.

Sometimes they would take walks, talking about many unimportant things. Su Hui felt he was wasting Ning Yixiao’s time, but Ning Yixiao, who had always valued efficiency and plans, said, “I like you, I don’t feel it’s a waste.”

Eating an ice cream cone bought by Ning Yixiao, he suddenly thought of the flowers he had already let wilt and said out of the blue, “I really want to go to Iceland.”

Ning Yixiao looked at him. “Why?”

Su Hui said offhandedly, “Because Iceland is the only place in the world without mosquitoes.”

“Really?” Ning Yixiao smiled.

“That’s what I heard.”

Ning Yixiao said instead, “No, I mean, is that really the reason you want to go to Iceland?”

Su Hui put down the ice cream and smiled, his eyes crafty. “Guess?”

Ning Yixiao teased him, “I won’t guess.”

“Guess!” Su Hui moved closer, as if intentionally seducing him, his tone changing. “There’s a reward for guessing right.”

“What reward?” Ning Yixiao raised an eyebrow. “So sure you can make my heart flutter?”

“Of course.” Su Hui pulled him to a corner. In the dark alley, he stood on tiptoe and kissed him—a cool, vanilla-flavored kiss.

He pulled away quickly and whispered, “That’s a partial advance.”

Later, neither of them cared about the true reason he wanted to go to Iceland; they both fell into a deeper kiss until a phone call urging Su Hui to go home rang out. Like a pumpkin carriage that would disappear at twelve, Su Hui woke up from the dream and separated from him.

Su Hui panted, very obediently taking Ning Yixiao’s hand and placing it against his own face, rubbing his cheek against his palm just as he had been held and kissed moments ago.

“Your hands are so big, they can wrap around my whole face.”

Ning Yixiao smiled. “It’s because your face is too small. You are a little kitten.”

Su Hui felt he wasn’t quite normal sometimes. “I am not.”

Ning Yixiao was about to mimic him when Su Hui covered his mouth. “You are not allowed to mimic me.”

Before leaving, he sat in the car, rolled down the window, and reminded him once more, “Don’t forget we’re watching a movie tomorrow.”

Ning Yixiao nodded, reminding him not to put his hand out the window. “I remember.”

He had bought the weekend tickets a long time ago—it was an art film Su Hui liked.

Su Hui went home feeling satisfied. Even Ji Yanan noticed he was in an excessively good mood lately; even when scolded, he wouldn’t show the slightest disappointment, hugging her the moment he got home.

“What’s making you so happy?” she couldn’t help asking. “You haven’t been taking your medicine properly lately, have you?”

Su Hui shook his head. “I’ve been taking my medicine every day, not missing a dose. Don’t believe me? Have the maid check.”

Ji Yanan was half-skeptical but still touched his back with concern. “Mom is going on a business trip again tomorrow, and your grandparents are away too. Be self-disciplined, take your medicine, and wait for me to come back.”

“Mom, I want to study abroad.” He looked at Ji Yanan, bringing up the question suddenly. “Is that okay?”

Ji Yanan was used to his spur-of-the-moment ideas and didn’t think it was strange, just handling it as usual. “Why? Don’t you like your current school?”

“No, I like it quite a bit.” Su Hui didn’t know how to tell her. “I just want to keep studying, like, getting a master’s degree abroad or something.”

Ji Yanan didn’t say yes or no, just saying, “This is a big matter; we need to discuss it as a family. Mom has remembered what you said and will consider it.”

Even though he had anticipated this answer, he still hugged his mother with gratitude.

“Okay.”

Su Hui’s good mood lasted until he went to sleep and terminated the very second he woke up. The “him” who had been hovering in the clouds finally fell heavily, plummeting into the abyss.

An ignorant Ning Yixiao worked overtime according to his plan, finishing his work to clear time for the date. It had rained outside, the air was clean, and it wasn’t as hot. He took the bus an hour early and spent the extra time picking out a bouquet at the flower shop downstairs from the cinema.

He didn’t know flowers, so he asked the clerk for advice. After the clerk recommended various flowers and recited a pile of beautiful flower languages, he chose a small bunch of blue cornflowers.

Compared to “eternal, unchanging love” or “passion and loyalty,” he seemed to like the flower language of “meeting happiness” more. Meeting him was already good enough; for someone like him, to whom not many good things had happened in life, meeting Su Hui was lucky enough.

Ning Yixiao held the small bunch of flowers just like that, standing at the entrance of the cinema, waiting for half an hour.

Holding flowers made him feel uneasy. This wasn’t something he would usually do, and it was too eye-catching. During the wait, he had already turned down four approaches, one of which was even from a boy.

The other party glanced at the two tickets in his hand, sharp-eyed. “Still waiting for someone? It’s already started. Handsome, you haven’t been stood up, have you?”

Ning Yixiao said nothing. Seeing his terrible expression, the other party didn’t say anything more and walked away sullenly.

People came and went at the entrance. Ning Yixiao decided to go inside to wait. He smelled the scent of popcorn—sweet and fragrant—and felt Su Hui would probably like to eat it. But if he was late for the movie, he might be too anxious to enter the cinema and wouldn’t have time to buy it, only being able to watch those around him eat.

Ning Yixiao stood up, bought a portion of caramel popcorn alone, and returned to the waiting area, not even unwrapping it. Time ticked by second by second. Strangely, he didn’t want to look at his watch; he just waited quietly, feeling that Su Hui wouldn’t forget.

Two hours and thirty minutes into the movie—it had been playing for two-fifths of the time. Ning Yixiao finally dialed Su Hui’s number, but no one picked up.

Many bad thoughts popped up at once. Fearing something had happened, he sent many messages and dialed a second call, a third, a fourth… but not once was it answered.

Ning Yixiao wanted to find him, but after getting up, he realized with a start that he didn’t seem to have a way to find him. He began to get anxious, experiencing some physiological bad reactions, so he went to the washroom to wash his hands alone.

With only the final five minutes of the movie remaining, he finally got through to Su Hui’s phone.

“Where are you? Do you know how worried I am about you?” Ning Yixiao couldn’t control his emotions, his voice louder than usual, but he quickly realized it and apologized to Su Hui.

But Su Hui seemed as if he couldn’t hear, saying nothing at all.

“What’s wrong?” Ning Yixiao asked softly. “What happened? Can you tell me?”

After a long wait, Su Hui finally spoke. He seemed to be crying; his voice was completely different from usual, without a hint of vitality. He said “I’m sorry” with great difficulty, saying it word by word, spending a lot of effort, almost unable to say the next sentence.

Ning Yixiao didn’t want to hear him say “I’m sorry.” Everyone who was about to leave him used that as an opening. Those few words made him uneasy.

“What’s wrong? It’s okay, tell me.” He smiled, pretending to be relaxed. “Did you oversleep? It’s okay, we can watch a later one, I was late today too…”

Su Hui on the other end of the line suddenly choked up. After a few seconds, he spoke again, his voice sounding listless, devoid of any positive emotion, words spilling out one by one with extreme difficulty.

“Can you… come to see me… I, I can’t go to see you.”

Ning Yixiao received an address. It seemed to be copied, and there was a line underneath that wasn’t deleted cleanly, written with something like [Mother’s contact info:].

The address in the message was very far away. He left the building where the cinema was located. The rain hadn’t stopped. Only then did Ning Yixiao realize he had forgotten his umbrella in the waiting hall of the cinema, along with the popcorn and cornflowers he had bought.

But he couldn’t care about those things. Heavy rain blocked the traffic, so he had to run to the nearest subway station. The air conditioning in the subway car was set very low, almost freezing the wet shirt on his body. Ning Yixiao kept sending messages to Su Hui, but got no response.

The subway line was long, and he transferred midway. When he exited the subway station, the road conditions here were relatively much better. He hailed a taxi and gave the driver the specific address. Fewer and fewer high-rise buildings appeared along the way; the closer he got to his destination, the more trees there were.

The driver kept glancing at him through the rearview mirror, chatting with a smile: “This wealthy district is definitely better than the slums, even the landscaping is better, the roads are better, and cars are easier to drive.”

Ning Yixiao had no heart to deal with it, his eyes half-lowered, silent. After an hour and a half, he finally broke away from the crowded traffic and arrived at the place Su Hui had mentioned.

“I can’t drive the car in any further, handsome. You’ll have to go in yourself.”

“Okay, thank you.”

Paying the fare, Ning Yixiao got out of the car. He suddenly realized this was a beautiful area of detached villas, which was also Su Hui’s home.

Su Hui had never let him send him home. It was Ning Yixiao’s first time seeing these buildings that could be called magnificent, some plants he had never seen before and that wouldn’t appear in other landscaped areas, and roads paved with carefully selected pebbles.

The closer he got to the house Su Hui owned, the more uneasy Ning Yixiao became. The shame, sensitivity, and inferiority born from poverty all bubbled up.

He stood in front of the exquisite iron-wrapped house number, soaked through by the rain. Inside the fence was an entire, beautiful garden; blue-purple roses were blooming in large patches.

Ning Yixiao lowered his head and looked at his old sneakers stained with mud and water on his feet, stopping his steps.

He dialed the phone; only after two rings did Su Hui answer.

“You… you come from the backyard. The back door isn’t locked, it’s just hanging on the latch…”

Ning Yixiao did as he was told, opened the door, turned to close it, and restored it to how it was before.

“…After you come in, pass through the garden, there’s floor-to-ceiling glass, it’s a sliding door, that’s my room…”

He spoke very arduously; Ning Yixiao could tell Su Hui was very tired.

Following what Su Hui said, Ning Yixiao walked into this damp, lush-green garden. A young lemon tree planted in a pot had fallen to the ground. He bent over and lifted it back up.

He realized his imagination was too poor to depict even one-tenth of the beauty of this garden. He began to feel glad he hadn’t brought that bunch of cornflowers, that insignificant little bouquet.

Following the gray-white pebble path forward, passing the rain-soaked roses and hydrangeas, he saw the floor-to-ceiling glass Su Hui mentioned—a large pane, inside which hung thin, soft white gauze curtains, through which nothing could be seen clearly.

Stepping onto the iron steps, one step at a time, Ning Yixiao’s hand gripped the invisible handle of the glass door. He paused for a second. Su Hui on the other end of the line seemed to sense something and asked, “Are you in…”

Ning Yixiao pursed his dry lips, lowering his head. “Yeah.”

The moment the glass door slid open, Su Hui felt cold, but the wind disappeared quickly.

Ning Yixiao’s footsteps were silent. The door was closed by him, and the world filled with wind and rain was locked outside, along with that pair of muddy old sneakers that were so out of place here.

He finally saw Su Hui. Su Hui was lying quietly on the floor, motionless. Seen from afar, he was like a handful of lake water covered by mist; once he got closer and pushed aside the mist, he discovered it was a whirlpool.

He was a completely different person from yesterday—without a hint of vitality, not laughing, not acting spoiled, reacting slowly, almost indifferent.

“What’s wrong?” This state made Ning Yixiao’s heart ache, as if it were being wound with a thin lead wire. He walked forward to pick up Su Hui, testing his temperature against his forehead. “Where is the discomfort? Did you fall?”

Su Hui couldn’t say a word.

Very unsuitably, he thought of the diagnosis before meeting Ning Yixiao—a sentence recorded by the attending physician in his medical record:

[The patient feels hopeless, has severe suicidal tendencies, and is very silent.]

His benumbed brain could barely receive any information. He felt Ning Yixiao holding him, felt him saying many, many things, felt him in a hurry, but it was as if everything was separated by a layer of thick gauze; he could hear nothing and see nothing.

And a day ago, he had been looking forward to this date so much, excited to the point of being unable to sleep. Now, he was in extreme pain, unable to get out of bed, unable to look in the mirror, weeping inexplicably, overwhelmed by despair, unable to go anywhere.

Looking back at the thoughts he had when excited, he felt it was absurd, feeling ashamed for his fawning time and time again during his manic phase, and feeling pained for selfishly seeing Ning Yixiao at this time.

He still couldn’t let go just like that.

Ning Yixiao didn’t understand exactly what was going on, but he found that communication at this time was ineffective. Su Hui seemed unable to take in much, so he switched methods, patiently asking sentence by sentence.

“Can I hold you? Like this.”

Only after receiving a slight nod of consent did Ning Yixiao continue, “Will this make you feel better? Can I hold your hand?”

Su Hui nodded carefully in his arms, like a child full of guilt.

Ning Yixiao smiled, letting him lie in his arms with his head on his lap, then slowly combed his hair with his fingers, his movements very light. “Can I touch your face?”

Usually, at times like this, Su Hui could only endure it alone, killing the most painful time just like a rodent gnawing at a wall.

But he couldn’t refuse Ning Yixiao’s tenderness, even beginning to develop a dependency.

Ning Yixiao touched his face with his fingertips, along with his eyelids that were red from crying, his movements light and patient, seemingly not in a rush to get an answer.

He said in a very light voice, “A few days ago, I searched for the Manhattanhenge on the internet. In the real-time feed, I found a photo shared by a photographer and felt it looked a bit familiar. I enlarged the photo and didn’t expect to see the backs of myself and you, in a small corner—white clothes, me holding you as we walked in the crowd…”

He smiled, his voice gentle. “When you feel better, I’ll show it to you. But it’s really too blurry, maybe we’re the only two people in the world who can discover it.”

“Next year, let’s go see it again, okay?”

Ning Yixiao kept talking to himself, as if he didn’t need a response. He just lowered his head from time to time to kiss his cheekbones and face.

“Su Hui, you are so cute.”

Su Hui didn’t feel he was cute; he shed tears again, his whole body beginning to tremble helplessly.

Just as Ning Yixiao became flustered, he cried and told everything. The confession he had practiced in his mind many times, the timing he had considered many times—but in the end, it was revealed at the ugliest moment.

“Ning Yixiao, I have bipolar disorder… it’s a very serious mental illness, you…”

He was about to say the words “Don’t be with me,” but Ning Yixiao seemed to sense something; without hesitation, he hugged him, hugging him very, very tightly.

This silent embrace lasted a full minute.

Only then did Ning Yixiao dare to say, “Don’t drive me away.”