Chapter 29: N. Repeating the Past

While receiving Su Hui’s email, Ning Yixiao was wearing his headphones, in the middle of a conference call.

The person on the other end, unsettled by his silence, kept calling his name, finally dragging Ning Yixiao out of the quagmire of his memories.

“Sorry, I was distracted.” Ning Yixiao took a deep breath. “Where were we?”

“Shaw, you don’t sound like you’re in a good state. Let’s do this: you take a break, and I’ll organize the main points into an email for you. Take a look, and if you have any questions, we can talk later.” The other party said this thoughtfully and ended the meeting.

Ning Yixiao felt as if he were suffocating. He stood up and walked to the window. Through the floor-to-ceiling glass, he saw the snow-covered Central Park, and the pain intensified.

He couldn’t distinguish where it hurt—it felt like his heart, his stomach, his knees, and his ribs simultaneously. He had no way to identify it. He wanted a cigarette, rummaged through boxes and cabinets for the half-finished pack of Marlboros, but couldn’t find them anywhere.

In the end, he left his office in a total mess, his mind just as chaotic.

He wanted to know why Su Hui had given such an answer. Why, when thinking of something happy, was it still seeing the Manhattanhenge with him? Had he thought of him? Had he loved him? Had those six years of separation really never held any happiness? What happened? And who had he been with during his most painful moments?

Why did he appear again just when Ning Yixiao thought he was about to forget everything? Why tell these things to a stranger?

Amidst the unbearable disarray and confusion, Ning Yixiao returned to his computer and read Su Hui’s email for the second time. His fingers hovered over the keyboard. He typed out many, many things he wanted to say—all the pent-up resentment and pain accumulated over six years—but as he calmed down, he deleted them one by one.

Thirty minutes later, Su Hui received an email.

[Sean: That must have been beautiful. It must be a very precious memory for you, too. The person who watched the sunset with you must have been very happy.]

Su Hui’s reply was short, devoid of excess emotion or expectation.

[Eddy: I hope he is happy.]

[Sean: Was he important to you?]

About ten minutes later, he received Su Hui’s answer.

[Eddy: We both have new lives now. Everyone is the same; everyone will have someone more important appear to create new memories, right?]

He hadn’t answered directly, yet he had answered in another way.

Ning Yixiao suddenly quieted down. The internal restlessness and the anxiety brought on by the outside world seemed to freeze. He heard no sound, only the dull thumping of his own heartbeat.

[Sean: You’re right. No matter how good past memories are, they aren’t important anymore. Everything must look forward. I feel much better; thank you for your story, and I hope you can be happy too.]

[Sean: In return, if you need any help, please feel free to contact me at any time.]

Closing his email, Ning Yixiao tidied up his cluttered desk, then logged into his work email account and threw himself into his tasks.

The afternoon passed in the blink of an eye. As dusk fell, there was a knock at his office door.

Ning Yixiao got up to open it. To his surprise, it was his psychiatrist, Grace.

“Long time no see, Shaw. May I come in?”

“Of course.” He opened the door. “Make yourself at home.”

“This is my first time here. The house is very nice, though a bit empty.” Grace offered a couple of compliments, sat down on the sofa Jing Ming had given him, and got straight to the point. “I happened to be in New York for a charity event. Carl called to schedule an appointment, saying you haven’t been in good shape lately. It’s a coincidence, so since I finished my business, I came to check on you.”

Ning Yixiao nodded. “Do you want to have the consultation here?”

“Anywhere is fine. Of course, I hope the environment is as relaxed as possible so you won’t be so closed off.” Grace smiled. “You’ve been too busy; many appointments ended up cancelled, which isn’t good for your recovery. Come, sit in this chair in front of me.”

Ning Yixiao hesitated for a moment but complied. He appeared very quiet, with no expression; one couldn’t tell that he had been in a state of emotional turmoil moments before.

“How are the old injuries?” Grace asked with concern.

“Fine,” Ning Yixiao said, his eyes half-lowered.

Grace smiled. “New York winters are hard to endure. I’ve only been here a few days and my rheumatism is already acting up, let alone with the severe injuries you had. You really need to take good care of yourself.”

Ning Yixiao nodded. “Thank you.”

Grace noticed his attire and surroundings: a black turtleneck knit sweater wrapped tightly around him; the skin on his hands was dry, even red and inflamed; the desk ornaments were few, including his leather gloves and hand sanitizer.

Ning Yixiao would occasionally drift off, his eyelashes fluttering slightly, his gaze unfocused. Usually, at these times, he was counting items in his heart, back and forth, to try to calm his inner self.

“Shaw, I’m starting today’s consultation.”

Ning Yixiao looked up. In this moment, his eyes were incredibly fragile, but it only lasted for a fleeting second.

“Okay,” he nodded.

Grace opened her notebook and began to record Ning Yixiao’s answers. “Has anything unusual happened lately?”

Ning Yixiao was silent for a moment and confessed, “I met my ex.”

He gazed toward the lower-left corner, unable to look the doctor in the eye. His voice was low, almost raspy. “He’s doing very badly. He has nothing left. His grandmother has a very serious illness. I thought that if I saw him, I would hate him, or feel nothing at all, but that wasn’t the case.”

Grace showed great patience. “So, what did you feel when you faced him?”

“It’s contradictory.”

Grace nodded. “Can you elaborate?”

Ning Yixiao was quiet for a while. “When I saw him in pain, I felt pain too. But at the same time, I kept replaying the scene of him leaving, every word he said, and everything that happened after that day. I just… I really wanted to hate him.”

“When you see him, do you experience rumination—repeatedly thinking about the moments you were hurt, is that right?”

“Yes.”

“Does it include the scene of the accident you encountered later?”

Ning Yixiao nodded.

“Is it a vague feeling of memory, or very concrete images, sounds, or even smells?”

“Concrete. Very concrete.”

Grace nodded, recorded it, and switched topics. “What did you do afterward?”

Ning Yixiao said calmly, “I found an excuse to see him, to try to help him. But in the process, I might have disturbed him.”

“Do you think it worked? Did it have a positive effect on you?”

Ning Yixiao thought about it—it seemed it hadn’t. Helping him hadn’t worked, and offending or hurting him hadn’t either. He shook his head in response.

What was terrifying was that he was afraid Grace might suddenly say, Don’t see Su Hui anymore. Let him go and find happiness in your life.

“Shaw, do you know what you want to do right now?”

Ning Yixiao stared at her quietly, locking eyes. In a way, Grace seemed to see the boy who had come to her for help years ago. He was trapped in the mire, addicted to alcohol, not as successful as he was now, not as mature and composed. Back then, he would shed tears during consultations and tell her how much he hurt.

Ning Yixiao ultimately shook his head.

Grace was already accustomed to his closed-off state. “Then let me ask you another way: do you want to punish him because of your own pain?”

Ning Yixiao softened. “I can’t do that.”

“Why?”

“Because he is very fragile.”

When he said these words, Ning Yixiao’s tone was firmer than any other answer, as if he were absolutely certain. “He is sick and has never gotten better. Sometimes he thinks about leaving. Even when we are happy, he will suddenly become sad and secretly take a fruit knife.”

Grace observed him and noticed that when he reached this point, Ning Yixiao could hardly continue.

“Not to mention now… he is going through a very agonizing time. Grace, I am angry at him, but I am also very worried about him.”

The door was tightly shut; Carl, standing in the corridor, didn’t know what was happening inside. During every psychological consultation, he only helped with scheduling and didn’t know anything about his boss’s condition.

He recalled his first day of work, when he was still a clumsy rookie entering this new startup. On his first day, he complained to friends a lot. For example, how terrifying his boss’s OCD was: there had to be a fixed number of pens on the desk, the position of every item couldn’t change, he would wash his hands incessantly, and his requirements for the cleaning staff were incredibly high. He thought that with such a difficult leader, he wouldn’t stay long.

But strangely, someone like Ning Yixiao, with self-demands so high as to be almost harsh, tolerated his mistakes time and time again, taught him step-by-step how to handle tasks, gave him high pay, and occasionally provided help with his life.

Once, Carl asked Jing Ming, since Shaw was so successful now and could clearly find a more capable assistant, why he kept using him. Jing Ming just smiled and said, “Because this guy is sentimental about the past.”

The consultation ended. Ning Yixiao opened the door, looking no different than usual. He asked Carl to take Grace to the airport, and Grace said that was perfect, as Carl could bring back his medication on the way.

While driving, Grace asked, “Shaw still isn’t able to drive lately, is he?”

Carl nodded. “He hasn’t tried at all. Wherever he goes, he has a driver, or it’s me if the driver isn’t available. For instance, today the driver is sick, so I’m filling in.”

Grace nodded and praised his driving skills. Carl smiled and chatted about trivial things. Grace laughed remarkably heartily, which suddenly made him think of Su Hui sitting in the passenger seat not long ago—quiet, like a doll that wouldn’t hold a conversation with humans.

In the old Brooklyn apartment, Su Hui, as quiet as a doll, had politely replied to Sean’s question after repeated deliberation.

Assuming the other party wouldn’t reply again, he left the table and walked into the bathroom with his luggage bag. Su Hui organized the daily necessities he needed to take to the hospital. At first, it went smoothly, the empty bag like his mind, filling up bit by bit.

But he couldn’t find the detergent his grandmother usually used.

The distress gradually spread. Almost in an instant, Su Hui fell into a silent breakdown. His hands couldn’t support him against the vanity cabinet, his body slid down limply, and he finally lay on the bathroom floor. He was like a child unable to control his emotions; the medication lost its effect, his mind went blank, the emotional floodgates were instantly reversed, and psychosomatic reactions took control of his body.

This was something that happened often. Since meeting Ning Yixiao again, he had gone through the transition and torture of a depressive phase—a brief normal phase—and into another depressive phase, not even waiting for a manic phase before falling into the abyss of major depression once more.

Hypomania seemed not to have appeared for a long time; he had even lost the ability to become happy through his illness.

He didn’t know how long he lay there. Su Hui was completely unable to get up to take his medicine. Day gradually darkened, and the bathroom was pitch black. The phone screen lit up and dimmed; some calls came in, hung up because they couldn’t get through, back and forth, like fireflies on a dark lake—appearing briefly, then leaving him behind.

Su Hui was split into two parts: one part of him desperately wanted to pull himself together, but the other was stuck deep in the mire, unable to muster the slightest strength. Every minute felt like it had been slowed down, becoming painful and tedious. He began to hallucinate—everything in the bathroom became very, very large and started to dance. He could only close his eyes, and gradually lost consciousness, falling into a coma.

It began to snow again.

Ning Yixiao finished another meeting, glanced out the window, and was suddenly struck by anxiety. He took his medicine and sat quietly in his office chair for a long time, eventually opening that anonymous email account.

It had been five hours since he sent the last email, and Su Hui hadn’t replied.

Ning Yixiao considered himself very knowledgeable about him. Su Hui was someone who liked to have the last word. Unsure if it was his habit that had changed or another reason, Ning Yixiao tried to send another email.

[Sean: By the way, I want to know if you will have any new works on display? If possible, I’d like to go see them.]

A full hour passed, and he received no response.

Ning Yixiao began to feel that something was wrong. He called Carl. “Where are you right now?”

“Me? I’m at my mother’s house. We’re having a family gathering today. What’s wrong, Shaw? Is there a problem?”

Ning Yixiao paused. “Nothing.” Then he said, “Give me Eddy’s current address.”

Carl sent it quickly. Ning Yixiao contacted the driver, but the driver had caught the flu and was on an IV drip at the hospital.

Fearing that he was overthinking, Ning Yixiao pondered for a long time and finally chose to dial Su Hui’s saved number, but no matter how many times he called, the other party didn’t pick up.

The feeling was too familiar; it had happened to him countless times. Panic began to spread. Not having time to think further, Ning Yixiao put on his coat, dug out his driver’s license, and went to the garage to drive a car away himself.

He hadn’t driven for too long, he wasn’t proficient, and because of his psychological trauma, it was exceptionally difficult. He even nearly rear-ended someone. Despite the distance not being too long, he felt as if he had been driving for ages. When he arrived, his palms were covered in cold sweat.

This was the most dilapidated apartment building in the neighborhood. Even the streetlamp at the entrance was broken, pitch black, making it hard to see. Ning Yixiao turned on his phone’s flashlight to light the way and entered the stairwell from the entrance.

But he didn’t know which floor or unit Su Hui lived on, and Carl didn’t know either. Unable to think of another way, he had to knock on doors one by one, starting from the first floor.

Only one of the three residents on the first floor opened the door for him—a young man and woman. The moment the door opened, Ning Yixiao caught a strong smell of tobacco from the room. The other party’s attitude wasn’t friendly and they cursed a few times.

But Ning Yixiao didn’t get angry. He still tried to describe Su Hui to them, but this couple seemed to have just taken drugs; their minds weren’t clear, and they slammed the door shut before he could finish.

Ning Yixiao had no choice but to go upstairs, one by one, from the first unit on the second floor, but he gained nothing.

Until he reached the third floor and was about to press the doorbell, a middle-aged woman walked down the hall and looked him over. Ning Yixiao seized the opportunity. “Hello, excuse me. Do you happen to know a young man named Eddy who lives here? About my height, very thin, a fellow Chinese immigrant, hair a bit long…”

Before he could finish the description, the middle-aged woman said immediately, “Are you Mr. Liang?”

Ning Yixiao was stunned.

The other party assumed she had guessed right and was quite happy. “Right? Eddy’s grandmother mentioned you—said you were tall and handsome. This is my first time seeing you! I’m their landlady. What’s the matter? Here to see Eddy?”

Ning Yixiao couldn’t care about explaining too much. “Yes. Can you take me to see him? He’s not answering my calls, and I’m afraid something happened.”

Upon hearing this, the landlady didn’t gossip, but immediately led Ning Yixiao to the innermost unit and opened the door with a spare key.

“Why is it so dark?”

She shouted Su Hui’s English name and groped for the light switch. She didn’t expect the young man following behind to be faster. Acting as if he were very familiar with the layout, he rushed into the room, searching everywhere for Su Hui’s whereabouts.

“Su Hui? Su Hui? Where are you?”

He went to the bedroom first, then the bathroom. Sure enough, Su Hui was lying on the floor, the whole person already in a state of deep unconsciousness.

Ning Yixiao subconsciously reached to check his breathing, then his wrists and clothes, looking for bloodstains. Fortunately, there were no injuries, but his body temperature was high. Without thinking, Ning Yixiao scooped him up and carried him out.

“Hey, where are you taking him!”

“The hospital.” Leaving this behind, Ning Yixiao carried Su Hui downstairs, placed him in the passenger seat, and drove toward the hospital.

While driving, Ning Yixiao almost forgot their relationship. Everything seemed to have returned to six years ago; everything was repeating itself. It seemed as if even the heavens finally started to pity them: the lights were green all the way, not letting Ning Yixiao suffer for even one more minute.

It wasn’t until Su Hui was safely sent into the psychiatric emergency room and the doctor told him it wasn’t a major problem and he had been brought in just in time that the heavy weight on his heart finally eased a little.

At 2:00 AM, Ning Yixiao stood alone in the hospital corridor, desperately wanting to smoke or wash his hands, but he resisted both urges.

Not long after, the doctor came out again, telling him that the patient hadn’t eaten much lately and had a low intake, leading to some malnutrition. He suggested that he prepare some light, nutritious food for him to eat when he woke up.

Ning Yixiao agreed. Without hesitation, he left the hospital and drove through the early morning streets to find a supermarket that was still open. He finally found a 24-hour convenience store. He was the only customer in the whole shop. Ning Yixiao was quick, buying ingredients like eggs, cod, and vegetables, as well as many seasonings.

At checkout, he noticed the cashier was a young mother standing at the counter, with a small reclining chair next to her where a child of about three was sleeping. Ning Yixiao didn’t say a word. After the clerk gave him his change, he pulled out two more bills, pushed them together with the change toward the clerk, and left alone.

He returned to his luxury apartment in Manhattan—this top-floor flat located at about 5,000 feet was his earliest real estate purchase. In reality, after Ning Yixiao bought it, he had never lived in it. Most of the time he was in the Bay Area, not staying in New York long. Even when he did stay here, he only used the office and bedroom; he didn’t touch anything else.

In today’s special circumstances, Ning Yixiao used the kitchen here for the first time. He hadn’t cooked for a long time, but he was still very skilled at deboning the fish, slicing it into fillets, and blanching them in a thick porridge.

Muscle memory came faster than thought. Without realizing it, he had already beaten the eggs, mashed them, and added water, but thinking of Su Hui’s evasive gaze, he dumped it out and changed it to scrambled eggs.

At 6:00 AM, Carl, who had just woken up, received a call from Ning Yixiao. The other party made a strange request, asking if he had any takeout containers at home. Carl asked his mother and found some; they were all used for packing lunch for his younger siblings.

“That’s fine, these will do.”

He brought clean takeout containers to Ning Yixiao’s home and found several Chinese dishes on the kitchen island that looked excellent—vegetable and fish fillet porridge, scrambled eggs with shrimp, blanched baby bok choy, and pan-fried cod.

“You made these?” He was a bit surprised. After all, this was the first time he had seen Ning Yixiao cook himself, and he had done it so well; he could practically open a Chinese restaurant downstairs from the company.

Ning Yixiao glanced at him, as if saying “Don’t ask so many questions you shouldn’t.”

Carl had followed him for many years, and they lacked nothing in rapport. He immediately stopped being nosy. “I’ll pack them first.”

Ning Yixiao didn’t leave while he packed, but stood to the side, staring at him, which put a bit of pressure on Carl. He joked: “Why don’t you do it?”

He originally thought he would be unhappy if he heard this, but he didn’t expect that he would actually do it himself. He packed them in an orderly fashion, clean and beautiful—much better than what he could have done.

As expected of the germaphobe.

“I sent you the address; send them there later.” Ning Yixiao paused and said, “It’s best to watch him finish eating.”

“Who?” Carl keenly sensed something. “It wouldn’t be Eddy, would it?”

Ning Yixiao looked up. “How did you know?”

Carl touched his nose. “Just now… Mr. Liang called to find me; he asked if I had seen Eddy, saying he couldn’t reach him.”

As soon as he finished, Ning Yixiao’s expression began to look terrible again, and he fell into silence. Carl stood to the side feeling restless, regretting mentioning this. At this very moment, the superpower he most wanted to have was “undo,” especially when facing Ning Yixiao.

Unexpectedly, Ning Yixiao didn’t get angry this time. Two minutes later, he spoke very calmly. “You call Liang Wen, agree on a place to meet, and hand over all this food to him.”

“Ah?” Carl didn’t understand. “This… you aren’t…”

“If you bring it to the hospital yourself, he’ll know who sent it.” Ning Yixiao lowered his eyes.

If he knew, he probably wouldn’t want to eat it.

Carl knew that the “he” in this sentence referred to Su Hui.

Ning Yixiao got up, appearing completely indifferent, even somewhat nonchalant. “Give it to Liang Wen. Tell him not to mention you, and not to say who made it. If he’s smart enough, he’ll know what to do.”

Carl looked down at the heavy meal box in his hands, feeling miserable. They were brothers, so why were they acting like enemies?

“Then do I still need to watch Eddy eat?”

Ning Yixiao went upstairs without a shred of nostalgia.

“No need. Come back early for the meeting.”