Chapter 49: P. A Lonely Farewell

When Su Hui woke up, Ning Yixiao was already gone. On the table lay some bread, and underneath the plate was a note.

[I have something to take care of and need to return home temporarily. Leave the luggage for now; I’ll pack when I get back. Be safe at home, don’t use the stove, go to the school cafeteria to eat, and take your medicine on time. I’ll only be gone for a few days. See you soon. — Ning Yixiao]

The note was vague, covering everything in just a few sentences.

Reading it, Su Hui was gradually engulfed by a great panic. He knew Ning Yixiao; if it weren’t for something of extreme importance, he wouldn’t have left like this, at least not without waiting for him to wake up.

Unsure if his guess was correct, but for someone like Su Hui, logic has always been crushed by emotion. He immediately dialed Ning Yixiao’s number, but the line was busy—he couldn’t get through.

He looked up train tickets to Beibin online and found only one station that served it. Without a second thought, Su Hui hailed a taxi straight to the railway station.

On the first day of December, the sky was gray-white. The crowded station wove a massive, shifting net that left Su Hui gasping for air. Today was supposed to be the day he went to the hospital for his consultation—at 10:00 AM, he should have been there, waiting to answer the doctor’s questions.

But he was here, dialing Ning Yixiao’s number repeatedly, shoved forward by the throng. The chaotic rolling of countless suitcase wheels pressed into his anxious heart.

Just as he was on the verge of a breakdown, the call finally went through. Ning Yixiao’s voice sounded normal, perhaps even overly calm.

“You’re awake? Did you eat anything?”

Su Hui could hear the train announcements in the background; Ning Yixiao was clearly in the waiting hall.

“I’m at the train station, at the ticket office. Which train are you on? I’m buying a ticket to come find you right now.”

He suppressed the panic in his voice. “I’m already in line. Where should I buy the ticket to? Send me the info.”

There was a pause on the phone, followed by a faint sound like a sigh.

Just as it was his turn, Su Hui’s phone buzzed with the information from Ning Yixiao. He immediately relayed it to the ticket agent, but it was too late—he could only get a standing ticket. Still, Su Hui was satisfied.

He finally entered the station, searching for Ning Yixiao in the vast, crowded waiting hall. Following the description on the phone, he found him in the corner by the water dispenser.

When Ning Yixiao looked up and saw him, he didn’t smile; he didn’t look particularly happy, but Su Hui ran toward him anyway.

He didn’t ask why Ning Yixiao hadn’t woken him up, nor did he ask what had happened. He just grabbed his wrist in the crowd and quickly let go.

Ning Yixiao raised a hand and brushed the hair that the wind had ruffled. “Are you wearing too little? Your face is flushed from the cold.”

Su Hui looked at him, shaking his head, saying he wasn’t cold at all.

Ning Yixiao seemed unwilling to speak about his affairs, and Su Hui, knowing nothing, didn’t want to force him. He checked the time; boarding would start soon.

“I woke up and found you gone, and I panicked,” Su Hui said hesitantly, asking carefully, “If I follow you, will you be upset?”

Ning Yixiao didn’t answer immediately. He looked at Su Hui, his lips twitching slightly, before he lowered his eyes. “Of course not.”

Su Hui could tell he wasn’t really smiling; he was just masking something.

“It’s not a good thing, Su Hui,” Ning Yixiao said flatly. “Actually, I didn’t want you to see it, but…”

He paused for a few seconds—not to think, but as if he couldn’t get the words out all at once.

“If you stay with me, I might feel a little better.”

Su Hui didn’t know what had happened, but he wanted to hold him, so he did—right there in the busy waiting hall.

“I’ll be with you, no matter what happens.”

He was a person with no plans for the future. Just like this moment, to find Ning Yixiao as quickly as possible, he had left everything behind, arriving without a single piece of luggage.

They boarded the train and found their seats. Su Hui stood in the aisle, pushed around by the passing crowd. Only then did Ning Yixiao realize he had a standing ticket, and he stood up to offer his seat, but Su Hui refused.

“I’m not tired.” Su Hui deliberately thumped his waist. “I didn’t sleep well last night, so sitting is more uncomfortable. Standing is just fine.”

No matter what Ning Yixiao said, Su Hui refused, stubbornly standing beside him with his hand on his shoulder.

The journey was longer than he imagined. It was Su Hui’s first time on a slow, “green-skinned” train, and he realized how slowly it moved. His consciousness drifted, thinking of people who lay on the tracks. They lay on the scorching steel, hearing the rhythmic ding-ding and the roar of the train in the distance. What were they thinking in those final moments?

Suddenly, he realized this thought was dangerous. He forced himself to forget it and fixed his gaze on Ning Yixiao.

Ning Yixiao remained dazed, saying nothing.

Only when they arrived at a certain station did he finally stand up and offer his seat to Su Hui. “I want to stand for a bit, too.”

Three hours passed; Su Hui had never stood for so long. His whole body ached, but he kept looking for chances to trade seats with Ning Yixiao, constantly looking up and whispering to him.

Exchanging places like this, they accompanied each other through ten grueling hours.

After getting off the train and transferring to a bus, Su Hui leaned against Ning Yixiao’s shoulder in a daze, falling into a terrifying, indescribable dream. When he woke up, it was nearly dark, and they had finally arrived.

After exiting the station, Ning Yixiao bought a bottle of water, unscrewed the cap, and handed it to Su Hui. “You must be exhausted.”

Su Hui took the water, took a large gulp, smiled, and shook his head, saying he wasn’t tired at all.

He followed Ning Yixiao closely, almost holding his hand. This was a town so small Su Hui had never heard of it—low houses, electric scooters everywhere, no sign of urban planning. It was only 5:00 PM, but there were few people on the streets. Su Hui was hungry but didn’t say a word.

“Have you been here before?” He asked softly, leaning against Ning Yixiao’s arm.

Ning Yixiao shook his head. “It’s my first time.”

First time? Su Hui didn’t quite understand; he could feel Ning Yixiao’s dark mood intuitively, but he had no way to fix it.

“Where are we going now?” he asked again.

Ning Yixiao stood in the wind for a long time under a faded bus stop sign. When the bus finally arrived, he pulled Su Hui onto it and said, “The police station.”

Before Su Hui could make sense of it, they were there.

After a whole day, Su Hui finally recognized a place that wasn’t new to him. He remembered his most unstable teenage years, when he was brought to a police station three times in one month: once for drinking and collapsing on the road, once when he went missing, and once for self-harm. They weren’t good memories, so he said nothing to Ning Yixiao.

The police officer on duty spoke with Ning Yixiao for a few minutes, handed him some paperwork to register, and then led him inside.

“Don’t come in,” Ning Yixiao gripped Su Hui’s forearm, using more force than usual, as if demonstrating some resolve.

“Wait for me outside.” He didn’t look up.

Su Hui didn’t quite understand but respected Ning Yixiao’s decision.

“Okay, I’ll sit there.” He turned and pointed to a row of chairs in the lobby. “I’ll wait for you.”

Ning Yixiao nodded, said nothing, and turned to follow the police officer.

The wait was unbearable. Su Hui’s phone was dying, so he turned it off and watched the light fade through the police station doors. He suddenly remembered visiting his mother at the hospital. She had told him she never liked having her love and marriage arranged by family, so she always chose for herself—though her choices didn’t necessarily turn out right.

Su Hui asked her if she ever regretted marrying his father. Ji Yanan was silent for a moment, then spoke with a cruelty born of honesty.

She said her biggest regret was the time her father was sick. Every day, she wondered why fate was so cruel: if they were to be separated, why let them meet at all? Just the thought that his father would leave one day made her feel like she couldn’t go on living.

Hearing this, Su Hui found it terrifying and real—especially her final remark: “He left easily, but the living suffer too much.”

His thoughts had been jumping lately, and he thought about death with high frequency. Sometimes he would suddenly imagine his own death or come up with a phrase that would look good in a suicide note—even though he was in a manic phase, even though he felt happy.

Su Hui could only keep convincing himself that he could live a good life. This illness didn’t mean anything. As long as he loved Ning Yixiao enough, he could overcome anything and stay by his side forever. He wouldn’t let Ning Yixiao suffer that kind of pain. He wouldn’t.

If you think about things enough, they can become true. At this moment, Su Hui became a solipsist. He hoped everything would develop according to his will; he didn’t care about science or correctness—he only wanted Ning Yixiao to be happy.

When Ning Yixiao came out, he was as cold as a dead tree in the snow.

This was the first time Su Hui saw his eyes red; he seemed to be clenching his teeth just to keep from collapsing.

He stepped forward, wanting to embrace Ning Yixiao, but was rebuffed.

“Son, please sign here once more.” The elderly policeman handed him a pen, his eyes filled with pity as he added, “My condolences.”

Those two words struck Su Hui like a lightning bolt. He grabbed Ning Yixiao’s arm, looking at his side profile in confusion.

Ning Yixiao didn’t shed a single tear. He signed the papers hastily, looked up, and asked calmly, “When can the cremation procedure be handled?”

“The identification process is complete. You can notify the funeral home to collect tomorrow morning. If it’s inconvenient for you, we can push it back.”

“Sooner is better,” Ning Yixiao said. “I only have two days off.”

Just like that, they left the police station. Su Hui walked alongside him on the dark street, the streetlights stretching their shadows long. He didn’t know what to say, yet he wanted to comfort him. After a long time, he only asked, “Can we hold hands?”

Ning Yixiao didn’t respond. Su Hui took the initiative to hold his icy hand. He didn’t dodge or pull away, so Su Hui took that as consent and held on tightly.

“Your hands are so cold,” Su Hui looked up at him. “Are you cold? Let’s go get something to eat.”

Ning Yixiao shook his head. He walked seemingly aimlessly, but eventually led him to a guesthouse in town.

The facilities were ancient, and as soon as they walked in, they were hit by the smell of stale cigarette smoke that never went away. The wooden cabinet at the front desk was so rotted that the paint peeled off with a touch.

A middle-aged woman sat behind the tall counter, watching loud short videos on her phone. The volume was so high it drowned everything out, and she cackled as if having the time of her life.

With nowhere else to go, Ning Yixiao finally spoke.

“One room with two beds.”

Hearing “two beds,” Su Hui glanced at Ning Yixiao but said nothing. The woman looked up, studied his face, smiled, and quickly processed them, handing over a worn keycard with grease stains on it. Su Hui saw the card, reached out and took it himself, not letting Ning Yixiao touch it.

They followed the signs to the second floor. The floorboards creaked with every step, and the rooms were packed tightly together. Their room was at the very end. Upon unlocking the door, a smell of sewage rushed out—cold and damp. The room held only an old television, a small window covered by yellow curtains, and a bed with a redwood cabinet between the two sides.

Closing the door, Su Hui embraced Ning Yixiao in a long, full hug.

This time, Ning Yixiao didn’t refuse, but he didn’t really respond either, his body stiff, lacking its usual warmth. Su Hui could only rely on listening to his heartbeat to maintain his own emotional stability. He was terrified of Ning Yixiao’s silence, yet he knew that at this moment, other than silence, Ning Yixiao had nothing to give.

Even though he had only experienced the surface—only seeing the tip of the iceberg—he felt the pain.

Suddenly, his mother’s words bubbled up again, like a wound that wouldn’t heal, oozing pus and blood.

[He left easily, but the living suffer too much.]

No. Su Hui told himself. I won’t disappear, I won’t leave, I won’t leave Ning Yixiao alone to live in this world.

Su Hui’s mania and depression were split into two poles—neither could understand the other. Promises from either period were invalid. During his manic phase, he decided to enjoy the beauty of life; the next moment, dominated by depression, he felt that only death was the most eternal beauty.

His promises were cheap, always broken, and didn’t even deserve to be spoken aloud.

So, he only dared to say, hollowly, “Ning Yixiao, don’t be sad, okay?”

Ning Yixiao didn’t actually look sad. He patted Su Hui’s back and, after the hug ended, went to wash his hands alone. When he came out, he said, “Thank you for staying with me. There isn’t a better hotel here. Let’s make do for the night; we should be able to go back tomorrow evening.”

Su Hui nodded. He asked carefully, “Can we hold each other to sleep tonight?”

Ning Yixiao seemed to find him a bit pathetic; he frowned slightly but nodded.

Only then did Su Hui crawl into the bed. With only one lamp on, Su Hui held Ning Yixiao’s insecurity and fragility, shielding him with care.

It was incredibly difficult to restrain his manic urge to express himself. Su Hui spent all his willpower to keep quiet, quietly accompanying Ning Yixiao, terrified of making him feel worse.

Ning Yixiao buried his head in Su Hui’s chest, his breathing heavy. Just as Su Hui reached out to turn off the light, Ning Yixiao stopped him.

“Don’t turn it off.”

After a few seconds of silence, Ning Yixiao whispered, “Su Hui, my mom is gone.”

“She was burned so badly she was almost unrecognizable, but I saw her hand. She had a hand that only had four fingers.”

His voice choked. Su Hui’s heart shattered completely.

Except for holding him, Su Hui realized he couldn’t give Ning Yixiao any more comfort. He couldn’t say anything that would make him happy, nor could he do anything that would make him feel warm.

It was painful.

Ning Yixiao didn’t speak again. Neither slept that night. Su Hui fell asleep near the end of the night, only for ten minutes, but had a very long dream.

The dream was gray and bleak, yet real—not much different from what had happened today. In his perspective, he seemed to disappear. He saw Ning Yixiao get off a bus, walk along a gray sidewalk, and enter a cold door. Someone inside told Ning Yixiao he needed to identify someone.

Ning Yixiao went in. The room was so cold it chilled Su Hui to the bone. He saw someone lying there, covered by a white sheet. Ning Yixiao reached out and pulled back the cloth.

The dead person was Su Hui himself.

He woke up with a start, drenched in sweat. Looking to the side, the bed was empty. Su Hui sat up, and just then, the door opened from the outside. Ning Yixiao walked in.

He was holding a small bag of steamed buns, steaming hot. He had changed into a new set of clothes—all black.

Su Hui’s heart was still pounding violently, restless. He dressed slowly in yesterday’s old clothes—a dark green hoodie, a bright blue jacket—layering them one by one. Then his hand paused. He realized how inappropriate it was and looked at Ning Yixiao in helplessness.

“I… I didn’t bring any black clothes. Do you have another set?”

Ning Yixiao shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. It’s just the two of us; she won’t mind.”

That sentence made Su Hui feel even worse.

He couldn’t eat anything, but to make Ning Yixiao feel better, he forced down a bun. On the swaying bus, it fermented into a feeling of nausea.

Everything happened so fast, as if they were racing against time. It was the fastest, least ritualistic funeral Su Hui had ever experienced. They went to the funeral home and bumped into another family cremating at the same time. There were many of them, and every one of them was grieving, eyes red with tears.

By contrast, Ning Yixiao looked cold and lonely, as quiet as an outsider.

It wasn’t Su Hui’s first time at a funeral home. He had kept vigil as a teenager. Arriving here, he found himself thinking of his own father instead.

Omitting the process of being placed in a coffin, they simply waited a while. Then the staff emerged and handed Ning Yixiao a small jar of ashes.

Human beings are so light, Su Hui thought. Whether dead or alive, compared to the entire universe, we aren’t even a speck of dust—gone in an instant.

“I want to take her back to the village,” Ning Yixiao said. “You can wait here, or…”

“I’m going with you,” Su Hui said firmly.

Three hours, a bus transfer, a car ride. Ning Yixiao placed the urn in a sealed bag and kept it in his arms the whole way.

Halfway there, the police called him again to say he could collect his mother’s belongings or have them mailed. Ning Yixiao chose the latter. He didn’t know what was in there, and he didn’t want to see it.

Outside the car window, it looked like it was about to snow, but it never did. When they reached the entrance to the village, a light rain began to fall. It was cold outside, and Su Hui took off his gray scarf and forcibly wrapped it around Ning Yixiao.

The village was silent. In this remote place, evil was hidden perfectly—as if nothing bad had ever happened, everything calm and peaceful.

This was the first time Ning Yixiao had returned since high school. It felt like much had changed, yet it wasn’t much different from his memories.

Su Hui followed by his side, walking along the gravel path. Each family’s house wasn’t close to the next; they were scattered, with the vast ocean nearby.

Ning Yixiao had once thought that since Su Hui loved the sea, he would definitely bring him to see a beautiful ocean. But fate is fickle—he never expected his first trip to the beach with him would be this place. It felt like a ruthless cycle of fate.

Relying on his memory, he returned to the house where he had lived with his mother. The structure was even more dilapidated than in his memories; many tiles had fallen, and the red paint splashed by the debt collectors still remained on the stone walls.

He had lost the keys to the house long ago, but he guessed his mother might have done what she did in the past—hidden a spare key under the fish bucket at the door. He crouched down, felt around, and sure enough, it was there.

Just as he stood up to open the door, an elderly woman walked by, her hair gray, holding a large basin of sun-dried swimmer crabs.

“Hey! It’s little Xiao, isn’t it!”

Ning Yixiao couldn’t remember who she was. He just looked at her, not answering.

“It really is! You’ve grown so tall. Haven’t seen you in such a long time!” She leaned in closer, smiling. “Your mother came back a few days ago, actually. What a coincidence. How are you both doing?”

Su Hui froze and looked at Ning Yixiao, who paused for a moment before saying flatly, “Doing well.”

Seeing he wasn’t enthusiastic, the woman didn’t linger and left after a few polite remarks.

Ning Yixiao pushed the door open, and dust showered down. He waved his hand and let Su Hui enter.

There was almost no place to set foot in the house; it was covered in dust. That made sense—it had been three years since she disappeared. He cleared off a chair, wiped it several times with paper to ensure it was clean, and let Su Hui sit down.

Su Hui wanted to follow him around, but Ning Yixiao pressed him down. “Be good, I know you’re exhausted.”

With that, Ning Yixiao walked into the kitchen. He felt strange. Based on his mother’s thrifty habits, she always cut the power when she wasn’t home. Why did the kitchen lights turn on immediately?

Everything in the kitchen was old, as were the appliances. The refrigerator was a model on the verge of being phased out, making a heavy, noisy sound.

The refrigerator was powered.

Ning Yixiao walked over and opened the fridge. There was nothing on top—it was completely empty. He bent down, opened the bottom freezer, pulled out the first drawer, and suddenly froze.

Inside was a white plastic bag with a note attached: [Black Sesame Flavor].

Ning Yixiao took it out, opened it, and found it full of yuanxiao (sweet rice balls).

He pulled out another drawer; it contained another large bag labeled [Peanut Flavor]. The third drawer was [Red Bean Paste].

They were the three flavors Ning Yixiao liked the most.

As if by some telepathy, Su Hui, who had been sitting outside, ran in. “What’s wrong?”

Ning Yixiao said, “Nothing. I just discovered my mom left yuanxiao frozen in the fridge.”

He turned around, found bowls and chopsticks in the kitchen, washed them together with the pot, and boiled water. He spoke while he worked, his tone calm. “My mom couldn’t cook many dishes. She was especially bad at seafood—no matter how she made it, it was always fishy, and I didn’t like eating it.”

“But she was great at making yuanxiao. Others praised her for it, saying her yuanxiao tasted better than what you could buy outside, and I loved them. Whenever I was unhappy or got good grades, my mom would boil a few yuanxiao for me. Sometimes she’d deep-fry them. No matter how she made them, they were delicious.”

The water boiled. He dropped a few in, covered the pot, and stood with his back to Su Hui, staring at a stain on the wall.

“I’ve always felt that there’s no meaning to life—people just look for meaning themselves. Take me, for example: I want to get ahead, I want to escape them, I want to succeed—hopefully, a massive success—to prove the meaning of my existence.”

“And my mom? Her meaning for her whole life was my biological father. To prove she loved him, she could love him her entire life. So her whole life was very bitter.”

Su Hui walked over and hugged him from behind. “Ning Yixiao…”

Ning Yixiao suddenly laughed. “Actually, I really hate this name. When I was very young, she told me my father was a particularly good man. She loved him so much that she could abandon everything for him. Even if she only spent one night with him, she felt that was worth a whole lifetime. Ning Yixiao—One Night. Isn’t that ironic?”

The so-called “particularly good man” had abandoned them without a second thought and never appeared again.

Su Hui wept silently behind his back. He wanted to say it wasn’t just one night. Neither of them was.

The tangyuan floated and sank in the water. Ning Yixiao touched Su Hui’s hand, signaling him to let go. He served the tangyuan—one bowl each—and they sat opposite each other, eating in silence.

After just one bite, Ning Yixiao was scalded, and then he cried.

He cried like a child, taken in by Su Hui’s embrace.

Suddenly, Ning Yixiao thought about what the police officer had said yesterday.

He said that before the fire, neighbors had heard the two of them arguing. The focus of the conflict was Ning Yixiao; his stepfather had used his future and graduation as a threat to demand money from his mother.

Less than a week later, it happened.

Just when he was about to get ahead, just seconds before the dawn, his mother was gone.

Only at this moment did Ning Yixiao stop doubting his mother’s love for him. If not for getting him residency, she wouldn’t have needed to marry Zhang Kai, wouldn’t have needed to find him a father. She perhaps never imagined that the initially honest and simple Zhang Kai would turn into a devil.

Just as she never imagined that at the end of her life, she would still not have waited for the person she had loved her whole life.

Ning Yixiao regretted it—regretted it deeply.

He shouldn’t have given up on looking for her just because he felt abandoned. She was hiding in a town in the same province. If he had searched one by one, three years would have been enough to find her.

But those who truly want to hide will always find a way to disappear.

His mother was as beautiful as a colored bubble, dancing in the dark, shattering the moment the sky turned bright.

Before leaving, Ning Yixiao took Su Hui to see the sea.

That day, the sky was the color of a dead mackerel’s back—a heavy, oppressive black with a sinister blue.

He told Su Hui, “She once said that if she died, I should scatter her ashes into the sea. That way, she would drift very far away. The sea is connected; she would slowly reach every corner of the world, and perhaps she would meet the person she wanted to see.”

Ning Yixiao didn’t believe it, but he did as she said. When he scattered the ashes, the wind helped him, carrying her dust into the distance.

He said silently in his heart: I brought the person I love to see you. You can rest easy. Then, he said: Don’t be my mother in the next life. Don’t wait. Be a happy person. After finishing, Ning Yixiao turned around and hugged Su Hui. The sea breeze nearly tore his voice to shreds.

“Su Hui, my birthday is coming up.”

“I know.” Su Hui looked up and, emboldened, kissed his chin. “December 24th.”

“How did you know?”

Su Hui’s eyes were red, but he was still beautiful. “I read your resume and remembered it.”

He held Ning Yixiao tightly. “December is already here. How do you want to spend it?”

“I don’t know.”

Ning Yixiao never liked birthdays, because he had always hoped he hadn’t been born, hoped he didn’t exist.

But now, he thought, perhaps his mother really was everywhere. If she saw him spending a birthday happily, she would probably be comforted.

And things were different now. He had met Su Hui, and he was fortunate that he existed in this world.

“Give me a birthday present,” Ning Yixiao pressed his forehead against his. “I want one.”

In the two days of upheaval, Su Hui finally gathered the courage to kiss his lips.

“Mm, I’ll make you a really, really great birthday gift, okay?”