Chapter 50: N. The Game of Choices

Six years ago, Ning Yixiao had said the exact same thing. Su Hui’s mind was instantly pulled back to that past—a time when pleasure and pain were hopelessly intertwined.

It was strange. After so many high-pressure “treatments,” the electroshock and the heavy medication had long since reshaped his brain, leaving him dull and causing him to lose many important memories of his life. Yet, he remembered this bitter period with agonizing clarity. He could even clearly recall the look on Ning Yixiao’s face when he said that life had no meaning, and the image of him standing alone on the beach.

The memory caused Su Hui an unbearable ache.

The Ning Yixiao in front of him spoke his name, and the past overlapped with the present, landing heavily on Su Hui’s heart.

“Su Hui.”

He snapped back to reality, pulling his feet out of the mire of memory. He avoided Ning Yixiao’s gaze, set down his fork, and asked, “Then… what is it that you want?”

Ning Yixiao’s voice was calm, even carrying a hint of a smile. “You never used to ask questions like that.”

The spoon clinked against the porcelain bowl with a crisp sound, like a hammer striking Su Hui’s heart.

“Didn’t you used to love creating surprises for others?”

He had used the phrase “used to” twice, as if he truly cared about the past. Su Hui suppressed his emotions and answered softly, “Maybe I’ve changed.”

He added with honest vulnerability: “I don’t know what you like anymore.”

Ning Yixiao paused. The air grew thick, like viscous glue, wrapping around the emotions flowing between them.

“I haven’t changed. I’m just the same as I was before—I don’t really like anything.”

He stood up, picked up his glass, and walked to the water dispenser. He sounded relaxed. “I didn’t mean anything by it, really. It’s just that when I think about it, I’m 27 now, and I’ve never had a decent birthday. Life feels a bit boring.”

Ning Yixiao turned around, glass in hand, and his gaze met Su Hui’s. This time, he didn’t look away.

Su Hui had indeed changed; he no longer acted like the spoiled, childish boy of the past. He simply nodded and said, “Okay.”

Then, as if struck by a sudden thought, he looked at Ning Yixiao and reminded him cautiously, “It’s time for your medication.”

Ning Yixiao nodded. “Mm.”

They took their pills in silence and fell into a practiced routine of clearing the table and loading the dishwasher.

“I’m a bit tired. I’m going to go to bed first,” Su Hui said quietly. He turned, entered the room, and closed the door.

Xuegao couldn’t keep up and was left on the other side. The dog gave a confused, innocent look at Ning Yixiao and let out a soft whine.

Ning Yixiao immediately regretted the provocation. He could feel the sudden dip in Su Hui’s mood the moment birthdays were mentioned. Yet, he couldn’t deny the frustration and resentment that still lingered—things he had tried to digest for years but still couldn’t seem to put down.

And it wasn’t just Ning Yixiao who couldn’t let go.

Back in his room, Su Hui dragged his feet to the bathroom and locked the door. He turned on the faucet to fill the tub, but his legs gave way. He collapsed onto the floor, curling into a ball, burying his head, and weeping silently with clenched teeth.

Too many memories surged up uncontrollably, like a downpour soaking him through. Ning Yixiao was the only house available to shelter him from the rain; its door was open, and warm lights glowed inside—but Su Hui didn’t dare step over the threshold.

He wasn’t a normal person. He was always making crazy, impulsive promises—promising to give him great gifts, promising to stay with him for a long time, promising that nothing would ever tear them apart.

But he hadn’t kept a single one of those promises. He hadn’t even been able to spend a complete birthday with Ning Yixiao.

Over the past six years, Su Hui had imagined countless times what their lives would have been like if he had made a different choice.

Perhaps that winter wouldn’t have been so hard. Maybe they could have gone ice skating on the frozen Shichahai lake, hand in hand, letting him fall into his arms just to have an excuse to hug. Maybe in the spring of the following year, they could have gone picnicking in the park, and Ning Yixiao could have used his savings to buy a camera to sneak photos of him eating cake. Maybe by summer, they wouldn’t have had enough for tickets to Iceland, but they could have gone to an empty beach, sitting shoulder to shoulder, writing each other’s names in the sand.

In that sealed room, Su Hui survived many empty days and nights clinging to these beautiful fantasies.

At that time, he was trapped by auditory and visual hallucinations, his condition so severe he couldn’t speak normally. The nurses would constantly ask him, “Can you distinguish between hallucinations and reality? Do you know if what you’re hearing is real or fake?”

Su Hui couldn’t tell. That meant he was a patient whose treatment had always been a failure.

Neither medication nor electroshock therapy could erase those hallucinations, and deep down, he didn’t want them to.

The world was as absurd as a horror game. Su Hui cleared level after level; meeting Ning Yixiao, he thought he had finally reached the reward, only to realize he had entered the final, most difficult boss battle.

Facing immense pressure and torment, he had gritted his teeth and made his decision. But the subsequent plot had nothing to do with happiness; for six whole years, it was nothing but punishment. It was as if all the clues were suggesting that he should have abandoned everything for love—that that was the “correct” path for a fairy tale.

But seeing Ning Yixiao again, witnessing his success, Su Hui knew: even if he had to choose all over again, he would still make the same choice.

After crying it out, Su Hui struggled to his feet and washed his face. He wiped the fog from the mirror and saw his own haggard, hollow face. He couldn’t bear to look at it a second time.

Xuegao was barking outside. When Su Hui opened the bathroom door, he saw that the dog had opened the bedroom door with his paw and was pouncing on him for a hug.

Su Hui gave the dog a hurried hug and staggered out of the room. Unexpectedly, he saw Ning Yixiao already dressed, heading downstairs with a twenty-inch silver suitcase in hand, looking like he was about to head far away.

Su Hui stood at the bedroom door, staring at him.

“I’m heading back to the Bay Area. There’s too much work piling up, and the Series C financing is starting.” Ning Yixiao looked at him and noticed Su Hui’s eyes and nose were red, his eyelids puffy—he had clearly just been crying.

“What’s wrong?” he asked gently.

Su Hui shook his head, lying unnaturally, “I… I just bumped my knee.”

Ning Yixiao didn’t call his bluff. He just nodded and said, “Be careful when you walk.”

Su Hui hesitated and then said, “Wait a second.”

He returned to his room, rummaged through a drawer, and came back holding a box. “This is hand cream. Three tubes. You said last time it worked well, so I bought another set. You should take them with you.”

Ning Yixiao glanced at it. He knew he’d be back soon, so he replied, “I’ll finish what I have first. I’ll take it next time.”

Rejected, Su Hui felt at a loss and lowered his hand holding the box. “Then… what about your medicine?”

“I have it.”

“Oh.” Su Hui nodded, still avoiding Ning Yixiao’s gaze. “Travel safely, then.”

“Mm, I know.” Ning Yixiao nodded, dragging his suitcase toward the entryway. Su Hui followed a few steps behind, intending to see him off.

Ning Yixiao opened the door. The cold wind surged in, biting at Su Hui’s ankles.

He had already stepped outside, but he turned back. Seeing Su Hui standing in the doorway in simple, clean pajamas and a knit cardigan, he felt a sudden, profound sense of “home.” Overwhelmed by a sudden surge of emotion that bypassed his logic, he made an impulsive offer: “Do you want to come to the Bay Area for a few days?”

Ning Yixiao regretted the words the moment they left his mouth. Their relationship wasn’t at that stage yet, and he was too busy with work to accompany Su Hui anywhere.

Naturally, Su Hui refused.

“I think I’ll stay here to keep Xuegao company,” he chose a logical excuse.

Ning Yixiao didn’t look as disappointed as he expected. He nodded. “Alright.”

But just as he turned to leave, he heard Su Hui ask timidly:

“Ning Yixiao, when do you want to celebrate your birthday?”

He paused and turned back. “Lunar New Year’s Eve, maybe. I should be back by noon that day.”

This time, Su Hui didn’t dare make any promises. He simply nodded, signaling that he had memorized the date.

The weather was decent when Ning Yixiao left, but soon the sky turned overcast and it began to rain. Su Hui felt anxious and began pacing the room nervously, silently praying for Ning Yixiao’s plane to land safely.

Alone, the house suddenly felt cavernous and empty, as if it had no boundaries. Wanting to stop missing him, Su Hui found things to do, like cleaning.

He cleaned the kitchen meticulously and quietly, mopped the floor, and returned to his room to tidy every last item.

Su Hui didn’t want this house to hold too many traces of him. Someday he would have to leave, and someone new and important would move in. It would be best if it were brand new, as if he had never been there at all.

Giving Ning Yixiao a wonderful birthday became Su Hui’s primary goal, providing a pivot for his long, dark depressive phase to keep turning. He sat at the desk for the whole afternoon, drawing a sketch from memory of that “gift” he had never delivered.

Looking at it now, the work wasn’t mature, but it was a heart poured out by his past self.

He stopped judging himself, but he felt that such a concept was no longer appropriate for their current relationship. Perhaps he needed to make something entirely new.

Su Hui set the sketch aside. It was getting dark, and Xuegao was anxious to go downstairs, spinning around Su Hui and reminding him it was time.

With no other choice, Su Hui bundled up in a thick coat and took Xuegao out.

On the way back from the park, he took a route he rarely traveled. There were more shops on this side, and a bakery caught his eye—not because of the pastries, but because of a Christmas poster on the door: “Christmas Gingerbread House DIY Activity: Handmade a gingerbread house for your loved one!”

In the past, Su Hui wouldn’t have noticed such an ad, but today, he felt moved and lingered for a long time.

A clerk noticed him and stepped out. The smell of baking bread drifted out, warm and inviting.

“Hello! Looking for dessert? We have samples today—would you like to try some?”

The clerk enthusiastically offered a sample platter and a small fork.

Su Hui accepted with both hands. He hadn’t intended to eat, but out of politeness, he speared a tiny piece of ganache cake.

The chocolate was rich and dense, with a fresh hint of orange.

“It’s delicious. Thank you.”

Su Hui pointed at the poster. “Excuse me, is this DIY activity still happening?”

The clerk looked back at the door. “This? It’s over. That was last month’s Christmas event.”

Su Hui nodded. He had expected that. “Then… do you have any new ones? I want to make a birthday cake, but I’m not very good at it.”

The clerk realized what he meant. “You want to learn how to make a cake?”

“Mm,” Su Hui nodded.

The clerk looked regretful. “Unfortunately, our pastry chefs are very busy lately, so we aren’t holding any DIY activities. However, we do have online video tutorials. If you give me your contact info, I can send them to you. You can try at home if you’re interested.”

Su Hui happily exchanged contact details and paid for the video lessons. They were filled with recipes, every one of them looking delicious.

He was grateful that Ning Yixiao had gone to California, giving him this window of time alone; otherwise, he wouldn’t even have a place to secretly learn how to bake.

“Thank you, I’ve received them.”

“You’re welcome!” the clerk smiled warmly.

Su Hui looked at a few recipes. They seemed incredibly complex. Even though the examples were exquisite, he wasn’t sure he could recreate them perfectly. He was terrified of making something that looked ugly or tasted bad.

Self-doubt began to creep in. He wondered if he should just give up.

Neither he nor Ning Yixiao were students anymore; a subpar, handmade cake might backfire. Maybe it would be better to just buy a flawless one.

Hesitating, Su Hui started to speak, “Maybe I should look at your finished products instead…”

At the same time, the clerk interjected with great anticipation: “You want to make it yourself for someone you love, right?”

Su Hui froze. He didn’t have time to deny it, but his ears turned bright red.

“I knew it!” she said, feeling certain she had guessed correctly. She cheered him on with a gesture. “Go for it! Our recipes and tutorials are very detailed. You’ll definitely succeed!”

Su Hui dragged Xuegao away in a panicked retreat. The new plan had fallen through, and he spent the whole walk home regretting that he hadn’t cleared things up.

But once he calmed down, he realized it didn’t matter. Ning Yixiao would never know. If the final result was good enough to pass for professional work, he wouldn’t even let Ning Yixiao know he was the one who made it.

Ning Yixiao’s plane landed safely in San Francisco. A company driver picked him up immediately. It was 8°C here—no rain, mild and far warmer than a New York winter. Yet he felt no joy in the Mediterranean climate, his mind constantly tethered to Su Hui.

After his meeting, he opened the surveillance feed again, watching what Su Hui was doing while he worked.

It was very different from what he expected. Su Hui wasn’t lying quietly on the bed or the floor; he was in the kitchen, frantically busy with something.

Ning Yixiao checked the time: it was 11:00 PM. He knew Su Hui barely ate when he was depressed, so why was he baking at this hour?

Curious, he set his work aside to watch. Su Hui was measuring sugar, then milk.

He even pulled out an electric mixer, appearing to be whipping something. Before he could start, his elbow accidentally tipped the bowl of measured milk, causing him to rush to wipe the counter and cabinets in a panic.

Ning Yixiao didn’t even realize he had smiled. Karl walked in, saw this, and felt it was a bit unsettling, so he quietly backed out, intending to come back in ten minutes to discuss work.

Ning Yixiao couldn’t fathom it. Su Hui was so brilliant—why was he sometimes so clumsy?

A playful urge took over. He picked up his phone and dialed Su Hui.

On the screen, Su Hui set down his utensils and tapped the phone, but didn’t pick up.

Why hang up? Ning Yixiao didn’t understand, so he tried again.

This time, Su Hui answered. His voice in the phone was soft and helpless. “Hello?”

“Is it time for your medicine?” Ning Yixiao acted the part perfectly.

“Medicine?” Su Hui paused, his tone filled with apology. He said very softly, “I already took it.”

“Why didn’t you call me? We agreed to supervise each other,” Ning Yixiao challenged him.

Su Hui’s voice was tiny, as if he were about to confess a crime. “I forgot… You should take yours now. You can go to sleep right after.”

Ning Yixiao had already taken his, but he purposefully made some noise to sell the ruse. Fortunately, he found the medicine bottle, or he would have had to mime taking nothing.

After drinking water, Ning Yixiao said, “I can’t sleep. I’ll probably be up all night.”

Su Hui paused and couldn’t help but ask, “Is there a lot of work?”

“Mm. I should have been back already, but with the financing starting tomorrow, I’ll probably be even busier. No time to sleep.” Ning Yixiao wasn’t exaggerating, though his tone was more serious than usual.

“You should still try to nap for a bit,” Su Hui tentatively offered. “Otherwise, you’ll be exhausted.”

Ning Yixiao cherished such care, wanting to hear more, so he purposefully said, “I think I’ll just drink more coffee, even though it makes my heart race.”

“Then don’t drink it.” Su Hui’s response was faster this time, and less hesitant. “Your body won’t be able to take it.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Ning Yixiao said.

At that, Su Hui stopped walking into his trap and went silent.

Ning Yixiao took the lead: “What about you? When are you going to sleep?”

On the surveillance feed, Su Hui clearly glanced at the chaotic mess on the kitchen counter and replied: “Soon.”

“How soon is ‘soon’?” Ning Yixiao teased. “Lying in bed now?”

Su Hui actually lied, just like a child caught doing something wrong at home. “Mm-hmm.”

Ning Yixiao barely suppressed a laugh. “Alright then, goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

Su Hui felt no suspicion regarding the motive for the call. After hanging up, he felt a wave of guilt. He looked at the mess on the counter and decided he had to learn how to bake the sponge cake quickly.

He went back to whisking the egg whites, while Xuegao lay at his feet, diligently keeping him company.

What Su Hui didn’t know was that he wasn’t alone.

It was something he didn’t dare to imagine.