Chapter 51: N. Making Up for Regrets

Su Hui’s birthday cake plan was progressing with extreme difficulty.

He was a firm believer that “diligence makes up for clumsiness,” so no matter how many times he failed, he kept trying his best. However, during this period, Su Hui had eaten so many failed chiffon cakes that he was nearly driven to madness.

His desire for success even managed to suppress his social anxiety. To figure out what was going wrong, Su Hui took one of his failed cakes to a nearby dessert shop to ask for advice. Fortunately, the pastry chef there was very kind and gave him some meticulous pointers.

Walking out of the shop, the biting New York wind scraped against his face, blurring his vision. He thought of the past—how he used to make many desserts for Ning Yixiao. Although those weren’t easy either, they were certainly less daunting than a whole, large cake.

Thinking of this, he realized he hadn’t really changed; at the very least, his selection of gifts remained as impoverished as ever.

Ever since Ning Yixiao called to “challenge” him for forgetting to remind him to take his medicine, Su Hui had been strictly punctual. He didn’t dare call indiscriminately, so he sent reminders via message, taking a photo of the pills before taking them and sending it over.

Ning Yixiao always replied quickly, following suit by sending a photo of his own, but like Su Hui, he remained brief, avoiding any unnecessary small talk or pleasantries.

Today, however, Ning Yixiao must not have been quite as busy. He sent a photo unrelated to medicine: the sea view from his floor-to-ceiling window, the deep blue water and the red bridge.

Su Hui looked at it carefully, feeling a sense of curiosity.

[Su Hui: Is that the Golden Gate Bridge?]

The reply came faster than he imagined.

[Ning Yixiao: Yes.]

[Su Hui: Where is this? Is it your house in the Bay Area?]

Ning Yixiao could almost picture Su Hui’s curious expression and hear the tone he would use if he were asking this face-to-face.

[Ning Yixiao: My office.]

He quickly added another line.

[Ning Yixiao: My property here is closer to the sea. It’s only a ten-minute walk to the beach.]

Ten minutes…

Su Hui imagined it. It was indeed very close—practically right on the shore.

[Su Hui: But didn’t you say you didn’t like living by the sea?]

Ning Yixiao was in a meeting, distracted by chatting with Su Hui. He had just lifted his coffee for a sip when he read that line and immediately choked.

The programmer giving the presentation stopped, startled by his unusual reaction. “Shaw, is there a problem?”

Ning Yixiao put a fist to his lips, coughed, and looked up, his expression returning to its usual state. “No, continue.”

He didn’t know how to answer Su Hui’s question.

After a long time, Su Hui received no reply and belatedly realized he had said something redundant. Ning Yixiao probably really hated people bringing up the past.

He thought for a moment, took a photo of Xuegao holding a small toy, and sent it to change the subject.

[Su Hui: Xuegao is so cute, right?]

Ning Yixiao received the new message, clicked to look at it, and felt that Su Hui’s ability to change the subject was truly terrible. He also felt that the truly “cute” one wasn’t Xuegao.

[Ning Yixiao: Mm, very cute.]

After two days of trials, he finally made a decent cake sponge. It had an even crumb and didn’t shrink—Su Hui was thrilled. However, his frosting skills were limited; the cream didn’t look perfect.

With this improved cake, he went to the hospital to visit his grandmother. Under the meticulous care of the nursing staff, her condition was much better than before.

It was just that her memory was still poor; she often forgot many things.

“Did Little Ning come by?”

Su Hui fed her a small bite of the cake and reminded her, “He went back to the Bay Area. Are you talking about what happened the week before last?”

Grandmother thought for a moment, uncertain, “Did you two… get back together?”

Hearing this word, Su Hui was on high alert and immediately interrupted, “No, we’re just friends.”

Even more distant and awkward than friends.

“Oh…” Grandmother suddenly remembered, “Right, I remember you said he was getting married.”

Su Hui was between laughter and tears. Once he calmed down, he explained, “He’s not getting married for now. It’s complicated. You could call it a trade-off of interests—a fake engagement.”

“Then, does he still like you?” Grandmother’s questions were direct, one after another.

Su Hui was stunned by the question but subconsciously denied it, “How could he?”

“If he doesn’t like you, why would he help us?” Grandmother didn’t understand.

Su Hui paused and set the cake back on the table. He couldn’t imagine such a possibility; such a low-probability event wouldn’t happen to him.

He even became a bit evasive, “He’s just a very good person, very kind. Does helping us have to have some hidden agenda? Besides, everyone is abroad; it’s just mutual support.”

Su Hui smiled and said to his grandmother, “If it were him encountering a situation where he needed help, we would help him too, wouldn’t we?”

Grandmother seemed to find that logical, nodded, and then sighed with deep emotion, “Little Ning is a good child.”

Su Hui drifted off, echoing softly, “Yeah, he’s a particularly good person.”

He was no longer the Su Hui of the past; he wouldn’t confidently assume that the person he liked would definitely fall for him, or that he must possess what he wanted.

As he grew older, he became clearer and clearer that he wasn’t the type of person suitable for building an intimate relationship. He was not stable enough, and the harm he brought was far greater than the comfort he could provide.

Life was already so difficult—who would want to spend every day with a mentally ill person, being careful and walking on eggshells around him?

How exhausting that would be.

On the way back, he felt inexplicably low. He sat alone on a bench by the side of the road and lit a cigarette. He witnessed a couple arguing; they were speaking Spanish. Su Hui didn’t understand much, but he vaguely saw his own neurotic side reflected in the crying wife.

He thought pessimistically: if he had stayed with Ning Yixiao, perhaps it would have been like this—constant arguing, neither side backing down.

It was only because their love in the past had been too short to even experience friction and fading that it seemed so beautiful. If the lifespan of that relationship had truly been extended, who knew if it would have ended in an even more awkward and unsightly manner?

Sure enough, friendship was longer-lasting and more solid.

Over the next day or two, Su Hui tried to conceive of some new concepts to create a fitting birthday gift that would match Ning Yixiao’s current tastes.

But he had no inspiration and, truthfully, didn’t understand the current Ning Yixiao well enough.

Su Hui could only attribute this to a lack of inspiration at home, so he decided to return to school and lock himself in the studio to create.

After many days, returning to campus made him feel relaxed. At least he didn’t have to beg for help from kind strangers on the street like a truly destitute artist.

In the elevator of the Fine Arts building, he ran into Professor White, who was very concerned about him and had sent him quite a few emails.

“Are you in a depressive phase recently?” Professor White asked.

“Mm, it’s a bit better now. I might be recovering soon,” Su Hui replied.

Professor White nodded, “Perfect. Ryan and the others’ competition is next week; they’re doing their final adjustments. If you’re in a good state, you should go take a look.”

Su Hui thought about it and agreed. After all, he had led the early and middle stages of this project and had poured a lot of heart into it.

As soon as he followed Professor White into the students’ workspace, he heard Ryan’s energetic voice shouting things like, “That idea is cool!”

“What idea?” Professor White walked in with a smile.

As soon as Ryan turned around and saw Su Hui following the professor, he ran over enthusiastically. After a brief greeting to the professor, he immediately came to Su Hui’s side, “Eddy! Are you better? Can you come back to work?”

The professor looked quite helpless, “As expected, Eddy is the most popular.”

Everyone joined in, laughing and cheering.

Su Hui tried his best to appear happy, joining them in the finishing work. For the entire afternoon, he was busy checking the final assembly of the project. He was so busy he didn’t even have time to drink water, leaving his phone aside.

At 6:00 PM, Ryan felt it was dinner time and called everyone to eat. While putting on his jacket, he saw that the phone on the small table had been vibrating continuously. Seeing the Chinese name on the caller ID, he assumed it was Su Hui’s phone, so he called out to him a few times.

But Su Hui was deeply immersed in helping a girl finalize her lighting scheme and didn’t hear him.

Thinking it over, Ryan answered the phone and gave a quick response, “Hello? Eddy isn’t here right now. You can call him back in a little bit.”

There was a silence on the other end, and Ryan thought the signal might be bad, “Can you hear me?”

“He’s at school right now?”

The voice on the other end was deep. For some reason, it gave Ryan the illusion that the caller was not very friendly.

“Yeah, but we’re going to get dinner soon. Is there something up? I can pass a message on for you.”

“No need.”

The call hung up abruptly.

Ryan was a bit confused, standing there for a long time before placing the phone back.

Why was that a little scary?

After finishing the work, Su Hui walked toward them. Ryan told him about the phone call. Seeing Su Hui pick up the phone, check the call log, and immediately show an expression of regret, Ryan grew curious.

He dialed back, but the other party didn’t answer.

“Who was that?” Ryan asked curiously, zipping his jacket all the way up and down, over and over, “They seemed to have a terrible temper.”

Su Hui stammered, “Someone you don’t know.”

“I know that, that’s why I’m asking,” Ryan clearly wasn’t satisfied with the answer and sensed something vaguely. “It wouldn’t be the person you like, would it?”

Su Hui froze.

He didn’t know why everyone around him was like this. He felt helpless.

“No…”

Ryan was actually very happy because of this answer, “That’s good! Let’s go eat together!”

“I…” Su Hui chose to refuse again, “I have something to do. You guys go ahead.”

He chose to return to the studio alone to conceive Ning Yixiao’s gift, but found it difficult to settle his mind.

The “him” of six years ago could easily find inspiration in the various moments he spent with Ning Yixiao. He could sketch a painting for him on the fly, create an odd but interesting draft, or write many strange things, handing them over without any burden, never worrying whether Ning Yixiao wouldn’t like them.

But now, everything was different.

Facing a Ning Yixiao who was more outstanding and successful than the past, Su Hui was like an impoverished child. He wanted to bestow something wonderful, ransacking himself for anything, but finding nothing—nothing was good enough.

Even he himself felt like he had only become worse compared to six years ago.

Just as Su Hui crumpled the fifth draft into a ball, the door to the studio was suddenly knocked upon. He turned and saw the door pushed open a crack. Ryan peeked his head in and smiled at him.

“Can I come in?”

Su Hui pulled himself together, “Of course.” He stood up, “What’s wrong? Is there another problem?”

Ryan shrugged and stepped inside, “It’s about the issue where our dear teaching assistant never eats dinner.” He held Chinese takeout in a paper box and handed it to Su Hui.

Su Hui didn’t have much of an appetite, especially for American-style Chinese takeout, which didn’t resemble Chinese food at all.

“Thank you.” He still opened it politely and ate a piece of fried chicken.

“What are you busy with?” Ryan glanced at the pile of paper on his table and the waste paper balls, “New work?”

Su Hui sighed, “I suppose. I want to make a gift for someone.”

Ryan sat down, leaning against the table, his hand propping up his chin, “Someone very important?”

Su Hui didn’t answer directly, “I suppose so.”

Ryan pouted, “Since it’s someone very important, shouldn’t you be able to think of some elements the moment you think of them? That should be easier to do than vague themes.”

Is it?

Su Hui thought of Ning Yixiao, and his mind went straight to the past.

He thought of the many, many tiny moments they spent together, which composed the flow of time—he was terrified of the passage of time.

Su Hui couldn’t find anyone to talk to, so he treated Ryan as a discussion partner. After all, Ryan knew nothing.

“Actually, I made one for him six years ago, but I didn’t get to finish it.” Su Hui said, “I think… it’s been so long, everything has changed. Is it bad to use that unfinished product from before?”

Ryan thought about it and shook his head, “I don’t think so. Don’t you think this sounds like making up for something?”

“Making up for something?”

“Yeah. Look, six years ago you wanted to give him this gift, but didn’t finish. Six years later you want to give it again. If you complete this gift and give it to him, aren’t you filling the gap of regret between you?”

Su Hui hesitated, “But the meaning is already different. You know, relationships between people change.”

Ryan was persistent, “You only need to send the unfinished gift out. As for the meaning, the person receiving it will definitely interpret it from a brand new perspective. Isn’t this kind of uncertain information gap between people beautiful?”

Listening to this, Su Hui leaned his head back, feeling he was genuinely being persuaded.

His phone suddenly vibrated. Su Hui reached for it and answered without looking, naturally using English, “Hello?”

There was no immediate answer on the other end. Instead, there was a pause of a second, followed by a tone with a hint of mimicry, “Hello.”

It was Ning Yixiao’s voice.

Su Hui subconsciously sat up straight, his language system in chaos. It took him a moment to switch back to Chinese, “Why did you call so suddenly?”

“I called before. Teacher Su, you’re very busy.”

Ning Yixiao’s tone was deep and gloomy. If it could be visualized, he was clearly a cold color, but with a faint, hoarse hint of provocation.

“I forgot to check my phone.” Su Hui subconsciously began to defend himself, even unnaturally touching his nose.

Ning Yixiao didn’t continue to press him, “Did you take your medicine?”

“Not yet.” Su Hui’s voice was very soft, “I’ll take it when I get back in a bit.”

Hearing his voice, Ning Yixiao felt his mood calm down rapidly, and he wasn’t as exhausted. He was just unaccustomed to Su Hui not being home since noon. He had opened the surveillance footage several times, not seeing his figure, and felt very unsettled.

Neither continued to speak, yet both tacitly didn’t suggest hanging up, listening to each other’s breathing.

Suddenly, a familiar male voice came from Su Hui’s end, speaking English, asking him if the takeout was bad.

Ning Yixiao’s emotions fluctuated once more.

He pretended to be indifferent and asked: “Someone there? If it’s inconvenient to talk, you can hang up.”

“Oh, I…” Su Hui paused, “It’s one of my students.”

Ning Yixiao was very good at putting two and two together, soon thinking of the person who had invited him for pizza last time.

“Looks like a very good student, being able to dine alone with Teacher Su.”

Su Hui felt that he was talking strangely and couldn’t get used to it, “It’s not dining alone. He just brought me food so I wouldn’t starve while stuck in the studio.”

This explanation made Ning Yixiao increasingly dissatisfied.

“So thoughtful, then you should eat more.”

Although the reply sounded within normal limits, Su Hui detected a hint of something wrong.

“I have a meeting. I’m hanging up first. Remember to eat and take your medicine when you get home.”

“Oh. Bye-bye.”

After the phone hung up, Su Hui sighed unconsciously and planned to go home. Ryan wanted to drive him, but Su Hui politely declined.

But Ryan’s suggestion hovered in Su Hui’s mind.

Su Hui thought that what Ryan said was correct. Everything he was doing was to make up for things, because he hadn’t fulfilled any of the promises he’d made, and he was always filled with guilt toward Ning Yixiao.

Even if their relationship had ended, if the gift he couldn’t give six years ago could be properly finished, it should belong to Ning Yixiao.

Returning to his apartment, he took out that piece of draft paper and, relying on memory, restored the most detailed version bit by bit. The initial inspiration had come six years ago, on the road back to Beijing as he accompanied Ning Yixiao to fulfill his mother’s wishes.

He had filled a small jar with sand from there and brought it back. On the swaying train, Su Hui couldn’t control himself and stay properly in his seat, so he moved through car after car, looking at the familiar and different faces, feeling like he was trapped in some cycle of time and space.

He wished that his six months with Ning Yixiao were truly a cycle, where the moment he reached the end, he could return to the beginning.

Once the drawing was done, Su Hui’s eyes turned red.

Giving this work to Ning Yixiao was actually very inappropriate—he understood that, too—but there truly was nothing better.

Perhaps this could serve as a period, placed at the end of their story that hadn’t been finished properly.

Time passed very quickly, not enough for Su Hui to present the work in its entirety. He had only completed the basic modeling in the software when the eve of the Chinese New Year arrived.

He stayed up all night—the first half modeling, the second half baking. Fortunately, things went smoothly. It took about two hours to bake, and finally, after successful cooling and unmolding, another nearly two hours were spent slicing, drizzling syrup, and frosting. When he had finished the grand task, it was already broad daylight—nine in the morning.

Su Hui refrigerated the cake, cleaned up the chaotic kitchen, went downstairs to buy some semi-finished food, and prepared to cook when he got home.

He passed by a flower shop and browsed, thinking that since it was a birthday, maybe he should buy some fresh flowers.

But in the end, Su Hui gave up, thinking that flowers would create unnecessary trouble between them.

It was noon by the time he got home. Worried that Ning Yixiao might return too quickly, Su Hui rushed to prepare some food and put the cake in a box he’d bought earlier, preparing to pass it off as store-bought.

With everything ready, he opened his phone and realized it was out of battery and turned off. He quickly charged it, laid out the food and the cake on the coffee table in the living room, and sat down to take a rest.

Time passed second by second. Ning Yixiao did not “return at noon” as he had said. Su Hui checked his phone and found that a message had been sent long ago, but he had been in such a rush he hadn’t noticed.

[Ning Yixiao: The plane is delayed. Don’t wait for me.]

Su Hui didn’t feel hungry, but worried the cream on the cake would melt due to the heating, so he put it back in the refrigerator and sat back down on the carpet in the living room. With nothing to do, he turned on the projector, intending to watch a movie.

Ning Yixiao didn’t land until about 5:00 PM, but New York traffic was always desperate. He urged the driver four times, but the streets were jammed with no way around.

Karl was a bit surprised, checking the schedule several times, but Ning Yixiao had nothing urgent to handle next.

“Shaw, today is Chinese New Year’s Eve. Would you like me to book a Chinese restaurant for you?”

Ning Yixiao refused, “No need, I’m going home.”

Is he going to spend it with his brother? Karl was inexplicably a little happy, thinking that with his relentless help, they had finally cultivated a bit of fraternal affection.

“Then do you need to order takeout? It should be deliverable to the apartment.”

Ning Yixiao thought about it, “About how long?”

Karl called to inquire, then replied, “The restaurant says they are very busy today. Delivery will take an hour and a half.”

“Order it.” He listed a pile of things Su Hui loved to eat, along with many dishes characteristic of New Year’s Eve dinner.

Fortunately, the car finally reached the apartment. Ning Yixiao got out, and Karl followed naturally, but Ning Yixiao suddenly turned around.

“Go back and rest.”

Karl was stunned, “Ah? Do I not need to go up?”

“No,” Ning Yixiao said, “Take tomorrow off, too.”

Karl thought to himself: Then you ordered so much, you two won’t be able to finish it.

But he didn’t dare say it, so he smiled and said goodbye to his boss, “Alright.”

Ning Yixiao went upstairs. The moment he opened the door, Xuegao came to greet him. The house was dark, no lights were on, and he even thought Su Hui wasn’t home and had gone out.

But when he turned on the lights in the dining room and living room, he found Su Hui had fallen asleep on the sofa.

He was sleeping soundly, completely unaware that Ning Yixiao had returned. Even though Ning Yixiao crouched halfway beside him, he didn’t wake up.

How tired is he?

Ning Yixiao wanted to wake him up, but Su Hui’s sleeping posture was truly too adorable, making him hesitate, so he watched quietly for a while.

Su Hui’s eyelashes were very long. He was sitting on the floor, slumped over the sofa, his head tilted and pillowed on one arm, the other extended long.

Suddenly, he muttered some mumbled monosyllables, like sleep-talking. Ning Yixiao couldn’t hear the exact content, so he leaned in closer, but Su Hui grew quiet again.

His skin emitted a faint woody fragrance, softened and cleaned by the heating—the scent Ning Yixiao was very familiar with.

They were very close, close enough to almost hear the tail end of Su Hui’s breathing. Logic was suppressed by emotion in an instant, Ning Yixiao’s brain went blank, and with hesitation, he leaned in very slowly, just one more step away from kissing him.

But Su Hui suddenly moved, as if waking up.

Ning Yixiao immediately backed away, acting as if nothing had happened, and returned to a safe distance.

The way Su Hui lifted his head was very dazed—not fully awake. His brows were furrowed, his eyes were very confused. The moment he saw Ning Yixiao, he thought he was dreaming again.

So, he extended that arm he had been holding out and touched Ning Yixiao’s face rather carelessly, then poked the mole at the corner of his eye with his fingertip.

“…So cold.”