Chapter 59: N. The Struggle of Love and Desire

Su Hui didn’t know how to describe this moment.

It seemed like nothing this wonderful had happened in his life for a long time. Ever since he parted ways with Ning Yixiao, everything had been a dull, lackluster gray. But with Ning Yixiao’s reappearance, he had been given an ethereal, dreamlike night.

“Thank you.”

Su Hui kept his head slightly lowered, his earrings swaying gently. He looked up, giving Ning Yixiao a moist, lingering gaze. “Should I blow it out now?”

He looked very well-behaved when he asked, with a trace of reserve.

“Whenever you like,” Ning Yixiao said. “As you please.”

Su Hui pursed his lips, closed his eyes, and quickly made a short wish.

In truth, it could hardly be called a wish; for an ordinary person, it would be easy to realize, perhaps even a waste of a wish, but Su Hui only dared to ask for this much.

[I want to remember this night forever.]

He opened his eyes, blew out the candle, and smiled at Ning Yixiao.

“What did you wish for?” Ning Yixiao asked on purpose.

Su Hui shook his head, picking up the knife and fork while wondering how best to cut it. “If I say it out loud, it won’t come true.”

Ning Yixiao had originally wanted to tease him, but seeing him so earnest, he chose to abandon those mischievous thoughts.

After cutting it, Su Hui discovered that the filling was cherry—rich, sweet, and tart. He ate a large piece, while Ning Yixiao only had a small sliver.

“Are you not eating anymore?”

“Mm, it’s too sweet.” Ning Yixiao didn’t really like sweets and almost never ate them; almost every time he did, it was because he was with Su Hui.

“Then let’s pack it to go,” Su Hui asked. “Do you think this can be taken on a plane?”

“It’s so small, we’ll finish it soon.” Ning Yixiao started the boat and slowly steered toward the shore.

He asked calmly, “Is it possible that you have a flight to catch in a little while?”

Su Hui shook his head, holding the fork in his mouth, speaking unclearly, “Nine-thirty tomorrow morning.”

Reaching the shore, Ning Yixiao stepped off first and naturally reached out to help Su Hui down.

“And what about tonight?”

The tone of Ning Yixiao’s question was very ordinary, carrying no hints or guidance, but it struck Su Hui’s heart, making his heart race inexplicably.

Tonight…

Su Hui wanted to stay with Ning Yixiao, as long as possible, even if it was just to walk and chat in this lakeside forest. But he wanted to say “I don’t know.” He couldn’t bring himself to say what he truly wanted.

Most of what he wanted had been realized. Because he came to California—even if they weren’t in the same city—he had hoped to see Ning Yixiao, and he had. Not only that, he had watched an outdoor movie with him alone; it was very close to the ideal date in his hallucinations, and Ning Yixiao had even celebrated his birthday.

A birthday that Su Hui himself hadn’t even remembered.

Logically, he should have nothing left to ask for; asking for too much would scare the other person away. Su Hui always remembered how his excessive enthusiasm during his manic episodes had scared away friends he had just met. People had to keep a sense of distance between each other, or it wouldn’t last.

“I…” Su Hui paused, the moonlight chasing their shadows. “I’ll go back to the hotel.”

He lifted the cake box a little unnaturally. “It’s good to share this with everyone.”

Ning Yixiao suddenly spoke. “No.”

Su Hui was slightly startled, unsure if the “no” referred to returning to the hotel or sharing the cake.

“I bought it; it can’t be given to others,” Ning Yixiao said forcefully. “As for the hotel, it’s too far from here. Actually, the airport is closer. If you don’t mind, they provide accommodations here, including treehouses.”

“Treehouses?” Su Hui became interested. “Up in the trees?”

Ning Yixiao nodded. “Yes, the windows face the lake; it’s very beautiful.”

Su Hui was already tempted, and Ning Yixiao delivered a more fatal blow.

“It’s said that there are many birds in that area. If you’re lucky, you might even encounter a red-headed woodpecker.”

Su Hui nodded immediately. “I want to stay. I want to see the birds. When will they come out? Should I buy some food or something? Does this place provide it? If they come into my room, can I feed them?”

Ning Yixiao suppressed a smile, putting on a calm face. “We’ll ask in a little while.”

Arriving at the accommodation area, the staff led them to the area with the best views, allowing them to choose for themselves.

“We have two units open for you. This area features lake-view treehouses. You can choose any two, as you both like.”

Two?

Only then did Su Hui realize he had misunderstood; Ning Yixiao didn’t intend for him to stay for anything else.

He pursed his lips, feeling he had thought too much, and felt a bit annoyed with himself.

“You choose,” Ning Yixiao said.

Su Hui nodded and pointed to a small unit in front of him. “This one.”

“Then I’ll take the one on the left. Thank you.”

The staff smiled and nodded, gave them the passwords, and left. “I wish you both a wonderful night.”

The treehouse was suspended, like a giant birdcage fixed in a tree, requiring a ladder to reach.

“Do you like it?” Ning Yixiao asked.

Su Hui nodded. “It’s beautiful, but is this also included in the voucher the magazine gave you?”

“Yes.” Ning Yixiao looked at him and naturally reached out to remove a small fallen leaf from Su Hui’s shoulder.

Su Hui didn’t quite believe it. “How can there be such a good thing?”

“It was they who asked me to accept the interview in the first place.” Ning Yixiao stepped closer, lowering his head, his voice very deep. “Su Hui, there are many good things.”

This sentence made Su Hui feel a bit sorrowful, but he still lifted his face and nodded at Ning Yixiao. “Mm, you’re right. Thank you.”

“No need.” Ning Yixiao adjusted the collar of the shirt underneath his sweater. “You’ve said thank you too many times today. You also kept me company for my birthday, didn’t you?”

Su Hui believed there would be many people willing to accompany Ning Yixiao for his birthday.

It was just that this good fortune happened to fall on him, and because he hadn’t fulfilled his past promises, he desperately wanted to compensate.

“A hug?”

Seeing him spread his arms, Su Hui thought Ning Yixiao was so strange; he could obviously kiss him directly without a second thought, yet he asked if he could before a hug.

“Mm.” Su Hui moved closer, hiding his adoration, and hugged him like a friend.

Ning Yixiao, however, stroked his hair gently and whispered “goodnight” to him.

Su Hui pulled away, smiled, turned around, and climbed the wooden ladder. He reached the door of the treehouse, opened it, and when he turned back, he saw Ning Yixiao still standing under the tree, looking at him, curling his lips in a gentlemanly manner.

“You should go back too, get some rest early.”

Su Hui said quietly, then walked inside and closed the door. He placed the cake on the table and leaned his back against the door panel. The room was very quiet; his heartbeat became increasingly obvious, and Ning Yixiao’s hug still left a trace of warmth.

He couldn’t curb his surging thoughts; the excitement he had deliberately suppressed in front of Ning Yixiao was finally released, to the point where he started muttering to himself.

“The magazine is in LA, so he came to LA, ‘stopped by’ to see me, ‘stopped by’ to use their voucher, ‘stopped by’ to order a cake? I wonder if they have a cake service here too…”

He saw the internal phone on the table and picked it up, just like six years ago when they stayed in the same room for the first time, secretly calling the hotel to buy alcohol.

But there was a liquor cabinet here; he didn’t need to order anything extra. Su Hui just wanted to verify.

The phone was answered quickly, and Su Hui spoke with a guilty conscience. “Hello, excuse me, do you have cakes?”

“Cake?” the other side asked. “Do you need dessert?”

“Mm… a whole large cake, a birthday cake, cherry filling, light pink cream…”

The other side sounded very apologetic. “I’m sorry, we don’t provide custom cake services here. We only have some ready-made sliced desserts: brownies, Napoleon cake, and cheesecake. Do you need those?”

“That’s all you have?” Su Hui probed.

“Yes, sir.”

“Can’t it be ordered a day in advance?” He still didn’t quite believe it.

“I’m truly sorry. We mainly provide camping and accommodation services here. Our meal and dessert supply might not be that complete. If you need to celebrate a birthday, it might be better for you to provide the birthday cake yourself.”

“Thank you.” Su Hui hung up the phone, but his heart beat even faster.

This cake wasn’t a service from here; it was prepared by Ning Yixiao himself.

He was a bit happy, but at the same time, he constantly suppressed his joy, repeating that perhaps he just wanted to repay a birthday.

Su Hui seemed to have returned to his twenty-year-old self, first falling in love. He hadn’t done anything, but his cheeks were hot, his mind was chaotic, and his whole heart was filled with Ning Yixiao.

How terrifying.

He lay on the table, knocking his head lightly against the surface, trying to calm himself down.

Ning Yixiao was his ex-boyfriend. He had chosen to leave back then—so what did this mean now?

Su Hui couldn’t help but spread out his empty hands, checking the calluses on his palms, and the burns and scars left by broken porcelain pieces from his part-time jobs. Many were no longer clearly visible, but to Su Hui, they were very obvious flaws.

He soon thought of the scars on his body and felt as if he had plunged headfirst into icy water.

Ning Yixiao’s future was bright, and he had countless options—ideally someone with a good family background, someone who could help his career, someone emotionally stable, mature, and generous, who wouldn’t bring Ning Yixiao trouble.

There were too many people who liked him. If they were all listed out, Su Hui would be the most unsuitable and ill-matched of them all. Even if he was immature, he shouldn’t be daydreaming.

The possibility was very, very low. But even if Ning Yixiao really said he still liked him at this moment, he didn’t have the courage to accept it.

“Su Hui, don’t wish for things that can’t be,” he warned himself in a whisper, face pressed against the table.

At best, they could only be bed partners who comforted each other. Once Ning Yixiao’s destined person appeared, just like the glass slipper and pumpkin carriage that vanished at twelve, Su Hui would have to—and definitely would—leave.

But the next second, it seemed he had auditory hallucinations again.

Ning Yixiao’s voice appeared in his right ear.

[You clearly like me very much.]

[You still love me, don’t you?]

Su Hui looked to the right; there was nothing.

Unlike when he was at his sickest, he could tell this was an auditory hallucination, but the “voice” of Ning Yixiao wouldn’t disappear because of that.

[Why not be honest? You clearly like me very much.]

[Come see me. Now.]

These weren’t things Ning Yixiao would say; it felt more like another part of himself urging him. Su Hui was in turmoil. He suddenly stood up, saw the alcohol in the liquor cabinet, and decided to drink himself into a stupor, sleep until the next morning, and think about nothing.

And he did exactly that.

Ning Yixiao stayed in his room alone, quietly watching the lake view for a while. He soon thought of Su Hui’s expression while watching the movie—very focused, lazy, and beautiful. His whole being seemed to be covered in a thin mist, blurry and evocative.

To stop himself from thinking about him, Ning Yixiao opened his laptop and started working.

Time passed quickly. In the blink of an eye, it was ten o’clock at night. His phone suddenly vibrated. He thought it would be Su Hui and immediately looked up, only to find it was a call he didn’t want to answer, so he ignored it.

Su Hui wouldn’t call him at this hour.

Ning Yixiao took off his glasses, closed his eyes, and pinched the bridge of his nose.

At that moment, the door was suddenly knocked.

Ning Yixiao put his glasses back on and got up to open the door. To his surprise, standing at the door was Su Hui.

“Why did you come over?”

His cheeks were flushed pink, his ears and neck were red, and he was holding a half-drunk bottle of whiskey.

“Did you drink?” Ning Yixiao took the bottle from his hand.

Su Hui nodded. He wasn’t wearing a jacket, just a thin shirt, and the collar was open. He gave Ning Yixiao a lazy smile. “Can I come in?”

Ning Yixiao took him by the arm, led him inside, and closed the door.

“Su Hui, are you only daring enough to see me when you’re drunk?”

Su Hui didn’t answer. His forehead was red, just like those children who press their foreheads against car windows to look at the world outside, leaving cute red marks.

“Ning Yixiao…” He walked over, pressing his forehead against Ning Yixiao’s shoulder, but didn’t say anything.

“What’s wrong?” Ning Yixiao raised his hand, stroking the back of his head, and untied the small knot he had behind his hair.

Su Hui didn’t answer but stood on tiptoe and kissed him directly, opening his lips, and with his heavy breathing, pushed the taste of alcohol onto his tongue.

After tangling for a while, Su Hui was tired; his heels fell back to the ground, and he was forced to let go.

Ning Yixiao stroked his cheek. “Su Hui, you don’t need to do this out of gratitude. I just wanted to celebrate your birthday once. There are no other requirements; you don’t need to do anything to repay me. This isn’t a transaction.”

Su Hui pursed his lips, his pupils moist like a child’s. He reached out to hook his arm around Ning Yixiao’s neck, kissing him from his lips to his chin, and bit the collar of his black turtleneck like a kitten.

“You’ll regret it when you’re sober.” Ning Yixiao supported his waist.

“I won’t regret it.” Su Hui’s voice was different from usual—damp and soaked with desire.

He stood on tiptoe to kiss the rim of Ning Yixiao’s ear, then raised his hand to take off Ning Yixiao’s glasses, looking into his eyes as he said, “I just want…”

Because it was his birthday, a special day, Su Hui chose to close his eyes and indulge one last time.

He was a contradictory body combining innocence and desire. His eyes were clean, but his waist was so soft that he slumped against Ning Yixiao, as if he would melt like snow. Love and desire mingled together, flowing all over Ning Yixiao.

Ning Yixiao had wanted to be a gentleman.

The night was thick and deep; water birds occasionally landed on the heart of the lake but quickly flew far away. Su Hui lay on Ning Yixiao’s bed, feathers peeling off one by one, falling to the floor. He felt cold and hugged Ning Yixiao tightly, obtaining warmth through one long, sticky kiss after another.

Ning Yixiao took off his earrings, rubbed his earlobes, and bent his fingers, scraping the bridge of his nose and his nose tip with knuckles wrapped in leather gloves.

“Open your mouth.”

Su Hui was very obedient when drunk; he stuck out his tongue, letting his bent knuckles tease his tongue stud.

The leather gloves were icy cold, and no matter how he licked them, they held no warmth—very much like the currently un-seduced Ning Yixiao, who still maintained decency and reason. But Su Hui, with his mouth open, was in a wretched state.

Crystal-clear saliva trickled down the corner of his mouth, staining Ning Yixiao’s gloves. His tongue stud was flipped up and pushed down, scraped by fingertips, and pressed down again, as if it weren’t a tongue stud, but a protruding piece of flesh hiding sensitive nerves. Every provocation pulled at his physiological desires.

Ning Yixiao’s gloved fingers inserted very deep, making him almost gag, but Ning Yixiao observed him calmly, as if he had no reaction.

He couldn’t bear that he couldn’t get a feeling from Ning Yixiao; getting love was already hard enough; he couldn’t even manage this. So Su Hui bit his finger, holding onto his glove like an animal, peeling off this cold leather.

The fingers in his mouth finally became warm. Ning Yixiao didn’t have much expression on his face; he looked somewhat cold. He began to simulate, inserting and withdrawing, to a very deep degree. Su Hui’s eyes rimmed with red, his pupils glistening, almost choking on tears.

“Mmph…”

His head recoiled subconsciously, but he was held at the back of the head by Ning Yixiao’s other hand. “What are you afraid of?”

Ning Yixiao forcefully pressed down on the root of his tongue, but kissed his wet, beautiful eyes gently.

“Be good. Didn’t you just say you wouldn’t regret it?”

They were both soaked; it was truly unbearable. Su Hui took his fingers into his mouth.

He suddenly thought of what the heroine said in the movie.

[Every day could be our last.]

This sentence gave Su Hui immense courage.

Even at the end, Ning Yixiao remained fully dressed, not even taking off his watch, saying that even if he were attending a roadshow or a meeting, it wouldn’t arouse suspicion.

But Su Hui had nothing left; only a heart that didn’t dare to be laid bare.

“Teacher Su, why is your waist so thin?”

He had almost lost the ability to breathe steadily, and his mind was near blank, but he vaguely heard Ning Yixiao say, That’s enough.

Su Hui didn’t just want it to be like this.

“You can come in…”

But his suggestion wasn’t adopted; Ning Yixiao forcefully made the decision he wanted to make.

Nearing twelve o’clock, Ning Yixiao hugged him tightly from behind, turned his chin to kiss him, and said “Happy Birthday” to him, but Su Hui was about to break down; he couldn’t hear anything.

Su Hui’s drunkenness faded slowly. He fell into a deep sleep in Ning Yixiao’s arms and woke up an hour later. The room had dimmed; only a night light was on.

The cozy, warm light hit Ning Yixiao’s handsome features. Su Hui was moved, so he moved upward and kissed Ning Yixiao’s Adam’s apple.

Ning Yixiao seemed to wake up, his arms hugging Su Hui even tighter.

Su Hui finally heard the birds chirping outside the window; it was very cute, but he was afraid they would wake Ning Yixiao, so he gently placed his palm beside Ning Yixiao’s ear.

His inner thighs were chafed and a bit sore. Su Hui moved a little, but he was very afraid of disturbing Ning Yixiao, so the movement was very small.

He didn’t dare to sleep anymore. Once he fell asleep, this night would slip away very, very quickly.

So he kept his eyes open, suppressing his restless heart, and quietly observed Ning Yixiao’s face, recording every tiny detail in his mind.

Su Hui didn’t think he was greedy. Even if Ning Yixiao met the true love of his life the next day, it would be fine. Having had a night where he got his wish was enough for him to keep and warm himself slowly.

Ning Yixiao woke up at six, but Su Hui subconsciously pretended to be asleep, quietly listening to the sound of Ning Yixiao getting up, washing, and putting on his coat, mixed with the chirping of birds, which made him feel inexplicably sad.

Reality couldn’t truly be like a movie, where a scheduled flight could be abandoned at will, where one could stay or leave without regard for anything.

Ning Yixiao’s footsteps suddenly grew closer, a small shadow descended, as if he had leaned over, very close.

Su Hui felt his breath and couldn’t help but become nervous, fearing he would give himself away.

“Stop pretending.” Ning Yixiao used his finger to flick his slightly swollen lips and kissed him very lightly.

“How did you know?” Su Hui opened his eyes and rubbed them.

Ning Yixiao lowered his head to put on his watch.

How many times do you think I’ve watched you sleep?

“You guess.” He finished putting on his watch and looked toward Su Hui.