Chapter 39: N. Mark of Pain

In the week he lived with Ning Yixiao, Su Hui clearly felt his uncontrollable emotions gradually recovering.

He was no longer as numb or negative as he had been in the recent period, and he could begin to receive some emotions from the outside world.

Even when facing Ning Yixiao, he would occasionally smile; this was something Su Hui had not dared to hope for during his previous depressive episodes.

He thought of himself as a clumsy thief, constantly trying to steal warmth and heat from Ning Yixiao, but he wasn’t greedy; just a little bit was enough to help him survive through a single night.

However, the date he dreaded most each year was drawing ever closer. This recovery gradually began to turn into an uncertain panic, as if taking a few more steps forward would cause him to trip and fall into a bottomless pit. Every time these few days arrived, he would subconsciously resist taking medication and treatment to an extreme degree.

Su Hui set alarms for himself every day to take his medicine, set at specific times to remind his procrastinating self, but during these few days, the alarms were completely useless.

On one very ordinary day, New York was overcast with drizzling rain. Even though it was already 11:00 AM, the sky outside remained a leaden gray, with heavy, thick clouds pressing down, weighing upon the sky.

Ning Yixiao had left very early, sending him a message before he left.

[Ning Yixiao: There are sandwiches on the dining table. I’m going to see some investors and might not be back by noon. Make sure you eat well.]

Su Hui saw the message but didn’t reply. On this day, his condition became extremely poor, suddenly plummeting from a mountainside down to the bottom of a valley. He had thought that he could finally see the light of the finish line for this long, arduous marathon, but suddenly everything was destroyed, and the finish line once again became impossibly remote.

He watched helplessly as the reminder alarm for his medication went off and was ignored. A few minutes later it rang again, as if he had fallen into a terrible time loop from which there was no rescue.

Lacking the restraint of medication, his emotional control slipped dramatically. Su Hui went through an entire night of insomnia and was unable to leave his room during the day; he just lay on the floor, unable to climb up.

His thoughts were like they were soaked in ice water, paralyzed by the low temperature. Time was stretched out, feeling very long. Su Hui occasionally thought of Ning Yixiao, but mostly it was how he was in the past—thinking of him holding him, tenderly caressing his cheeks and body. Holding onto some misguided expectations, at certain moments, Su Hui hoped he could get better, but most of the time he prayed in his heart for Ning Yixiao to stay far away from him.

He was a mentally ill person who had once hurt Ning Yixiao decisively. He knew perfectly well that Ning Yixiao hated being abandoned most of all, yet he still made such a bad choice, and in the future, he might continue to hurt him.

At noon, Su Hui was still lying on the floor, listening quietly to his own heartbeat. His phone was sitting by the bed, showing signs that it had been called many times, but he had no way to deal with it. Xue Gao was also calling to him from outside the door, time and time again, trying to open it. Su Hui heard it, but was helpless.

It wasn’t until he heard Xue Gao scratching at the door that his emotions shifted, so he struggled with great difficulty to hold onto the floor and rise. It took a great effort to walk over and open the door.

Xue Gao pounced into his arms almost instantly. Because the force was too great, it knocked Su Hui directly to the ground. He felt pain, but couldn’t distinguish the specific location, so he just buried his head in Xue Gao’s neck and shed tears quietly.

“You came to find me,” after a long time, Su Hui whispered, “didn’t you?”

Xue Gao whined, raising his front paws as if he were truly offering an embrace.

Su Hui’s brain was flooded in an instant with many unpleasant memories—many he thought he had gotten rid of, and memories he should have gotten rid of a long time ago—almost drowning him. He felt as if he couldn’t breathe. Time ticked away, second by second, and Xue Gao stayed by his side the whole time.

“I’m disappearing, I’ll write you a letter,” he began saying things that had no logic to Xue Gao, like a truly mentally ill person, “Will you read it?”

Xue Gao barked twice, as if in response.

Su Hui’s thoughts were divided into two parts. Half of him felt the absurdity of it, while the other half felt extremely helpless, as if he had turned back into his six-years-younger self.

“You won’t understand it… you’ll throw it away.”

Xue Gao whimpered piteously and stopped making noise, just silently sniffing the scent on Su Hui’s body, rubbing his damp nose against the nape of his neck.

The phone rang again, making a loud sound by the bed. Xue Gao’s tail stood up; noticing the ringtone, he left Su Hui’s embrace, ran over, picked up the phone, and handed it to Su Hui’s side.

Only then was he forced to face everything from the outside world.

The screen displayed the name “Liang Wen.” Su Hui remained silent for a moment but still answered. He didn’t want to put the phone to his ear, so he simply turned on the speakerphone and placed the phone on the floor.

Ever since he had explicitly rejected him, Liang Wen had taken the initiative to retreat into a safe social circle; he knew Su Hui needed company, but he needed freedom even more. But this time when he called, his intent was also very clear.

“You haven’t received treatment for too long. I specifically asked Dr. Dorsey—since you came back from Seattle, you haven’t booked a consultation. Have you finished the medicine he prescribed last time?”

Su Hui appeared very quiet; it was a long time before he spoke. “No.”

“Have you been taking it on time?”

Su Hui used silence to replace his answer.

At the same time, Ning Yixiao had rejected an invitation to lunch with investors and hurried back early. Just as he opened the door, Ning Yixiao heard Su Hui speaking, as well as Liang Wen’s voice coming through the speaker.

Xue Gao was very sharp and noticed his presence, rushing out directly from Su Hui’s room.

Ning Yixiao stood in the entryway and made a “shush” gesture to Xue Gao, then gently closed the door, took off his coat, picked up the ice cream he had bought, and walked inside, step by step.

“Eddy, I know, every year during this time, it’s very hard for you to endure; you have a physiological resistance to treatment, I know all of this, but do you know? This period will pass very soon, and you can get through it just as smoothly as last year or the year before.”

Su Hui’s voice sounded completely different from yesterday; it sounded as if he had fallen into an emotional collapse once again.

“I… I just don’t want to remember those things anymore.”

“You won’t. You need to have a good talk with someone right now. Give me the address, I’ll come pick you up.”

Su Hui fell silent.

Ning Yixiao stood where he was, listening quietly to the conversation. He knew that out of politeness, he should avoid this, but he couldn’t do it.

The dialogue between Su Hui and Liang Wen seemed to have set up a barrier, just like an interaction between special users; for Ning Yixiao’s current level, even if he received this information, it was like encrypted text.

He glanced at the time: January 28th. He didn’t know what this date meant to Su Hui, or why he was plunged into such pain because of this period.

Ning Yixiao realized once again that in Su Hui’s life, the portion he had occupied and participated in was only a few short months—so short that he hadn’t even made it through the January 28th of that year.

There were many important parts of Su Hui’s life that Ning Yixiao had not participated in, and had no way of knowing. Many people were clearer about them than he was, and found it easier to gain Su Hui’s attention and concern than he did.

He knew that for the time being, he couldn’t be the most important person to Su Hui, nor could he provide help and treatment like a doctor. There wasn’t much he could do, and what he did wasn’t very good, either.

“No, I don’t want to…”

After a pause of almost half a minute, Su Hui finally refused.

“You can’t be like this; if it goes on like this, it’s dangerous.”

However, Su Hui just repeated, “I don’t want to.”

He hung up the phone with some cruelty and also very coldly chose to turn it off. Seeing Liang Wen would also make him think of doctors and hospitals, which in turn would lead to severe rumination.

He had survived every winter of every year; Su Hui wasn’t afraid. He often thought that it didn’t necessarily have to be a “good ending” just because one survived it.

But now things were different. He had seen Ning Yixiao and had another chance to be with him; Su Hui was a bit reluctant to let that go.

Just as he was thinking this, Ning Yixiao suddenly appeared in his doorway like an absurd daydream. He was wearing formal attire tinged with the cold from outside, but his hands were carrying an extremely incongruous plastic bag of ice cream, and he whispered his name.

“Want to eat ice cream?”

Su Hui’s eyes and nose tip were both red, and his face lacked blood. He braced himself on the floor, trying to stand up, but found he couldn’t do it.

“I…”

Ning Yixiao didn’t wait. He stepped forward, extended a hand, and pulled Su Hui up.

The touch, lasting no more than a few seconds, made Su Hui feel sad. He knew that his current state must look terrible, but he still couldn’t refuse Ning Yixiao’s invitation, and followed him to the living room. Ning Yixiao sat on the sofa, while he chose to sit on the wool carpet.

Ning Yixiao turned the living room air conditioning temperature up higher, then took out the chocolate-flavored ice cream and handed it to Su Hui along with a spoon, while he himself loosened his tie and leaned on the sofa to watch him eat.

Su Hui took a small bite; his numbed tongue perceived the sweetness and bitterness very dully. Vaguely, he realized that Ning Yixiao wasn’t eating his, so he looked at the other box in the bag.

Ning Yixiao soon said, “This one is yours too.”

Hearing this, Su Hui lowered his eyes and shook his head slowly. “I can’t eat it…”

“Then freeze it.” Ning Yixiao’s voice carried a very faint hint of a smile, giving Su Hui very subtle tolerance and comfort. “This shop is closed tomorrow, so buying an extra box means we won’t be short of it tomorrow.”

Su Hui’s nose felt very sore. He frowned, struggling to keep from shedding tears in front of Ning Yixiao, and ate the ice cream quietly, spoonful by spoonful.

“You didn’t eat the sandwich I made for you.” Ning Yixiao asked him in a tone of certainty.

Su Hui reacted very slowly, glancing at the dining table, then turning his head back, looking at Ning Yixiao with eyes that showed he had done something wrong.

Ning Yixiao, however, didn’t care; he smiled. “That’s fine. Let’s eat it together; I didn’t have lunch either.”

He stood up, brought over the avocado and egg sandwich he had made along with some vegetable and fruit juice, and placed them on the coffee table. This time, he also sat on the carpet and asked Su Hui very casually, “Want to watch a movie?”

Su Hui looked at him, his eyes filled with a bit of confusion.

“I’m a bit tired today.” Ning Yixiao leaned against a cushion. “Talking to those people is very annoying. It rained today, and traffic was jammed; nothing seemed to go smoothly, so I want to watch a movie.”

He looked at Su Hui, his tone carrying a hint of casual bewitchment. “Let’s watch together.”

Ning Yixiao didn’t mention the previous matter at all, nor did he show that he cared about his condition; he treated him just like he did yesterday or the day before, instead of viewing him as a patient repeatedly defeated by depression.

He seemed to really treat him as a friend.

Water vapor gradually gathered in Su Hui’s eyes.

He despised his own weakness; clearly, he wanted to hide away so as not to disturb Ning Yixiao’s life any further, yet in the end, he was defeated by his attachment to him.

Unable to answer the question, Su Hui just gave a light nod.

In fact, Ning Yixiao didn’t know much about movies, nor was he particularly interested in them; he would even feel it was a waste of time, so he never watched them when he was alone. But in the past, Su Hui always wanted to watch movies with him. Compared to many other dating activities, this seemed to make him happier.

However, Su Hui when watching movies was both serious and not serious. Sometimes he would pull him to talk about many points full of literary and philosophical thought, and sometimes he would just suddenly lean over, holding him to kiss and tease him. Therefore, Ning Yixiao didn’t remember the endings of most of the films he had watched with him.

He subconsciously wanted to find a film they had watched before to watch with Su Hui—he wanted to tease him—but suddenly remembered the conversation Su Hui just had with Liang Wen, and decided to abandon that idea instead. He was afraid that making Su Hui think of the past too much would make him sad.

“This one seems to be a new film; it won an award, I don’t know how it is.” Ning Yixiao clicked play and picked up a sandwich, handing it to Su Hui.

Su Hui ate a few bites very slowly, not realizing he had gotten some on the corner of his mouth. He stared at the screen, many psychedelic lights projected onto his face, looking very beautiful, making Ning Yixiao unconsciously think of the way they looked when they first met.

Su Hui suddenly turned his face and asked, his speaking pace very slow, “Can you turn on all the lights?”

Ning Yixiao glanced at the room; it was indeed quite dim, but suitable for viewing a film.

“Of course.” He used his phone as a remote to turn on the lights. “Is this enough?”

Su Hui, however, acted like a child; his speech was a bit difficult, but he was stubborn. “Turn them all on… would that be okay?”

Ning Yixiao did as he asked, not asking why, just watching Su Hui.

Noticing he was being stared at, Su Hui turned his face and blinked his reddened eyes.

“You have avocado puree on your mouth.” Ning Yixiao very naturally found an excuse and pointed casually.

Su Hui felt a bit embarrassed; he stuck out the tip of his tongue and tentatively licked it, his eyes darting toward Ning Yixiao, as if he wanted to find an answer on his face.

Ning Yixiao almost reached out, but he caught himself. He didn’t give too many hints, just directly pulled out a tissue and handed it to him.

Su Hui took the tissue, wiped the corner of his mouth clean, and continued to focus on the movie.

The sleepless night had consumed his energy, and he fell into a daze once again. The long, monotonous long takes of the movie, the soothing piano, and the soporific summer of the South of France in the scenes—everything hypnotized his consciousness, until he gradually closed his eyes.

Ning Yixiao soon realized that Su Hui had fallen asleep. He turned his head and saw him leaning sideways against the cushion, a small wad of tissue still clutched in his hand.

He turned down the volume and waited until he confirmed Su Hui was fast asleep before moving the coffee table that was between them. He then brought over a thick blanket, unfolded it, and covered Su Hui with it.

He very gently pried open Su Hui’s fingers and took the used tissue ball from his palm. The next second, Su Hui’s hand draped over his, half-clasping his fingertips.

This made Ning Yixiao want to hold his hand, but he felt it wasn’t the right time. When Su Hui was asleep, his shoulders would occasionally tremble slightly, so he extended his hand and patted his shoulder and back gently.

As the movie drew to a close, they had missed the plot yet again. Even though this time he had neither kissed Su Hui nor done anything else out of line—merely staying by his side, quietly watching his sleeping face—he felt a sense of security he had never known before.

The missed ending didn’t matter. If he wanted to know it, he could re-watch them one by one himself. But if Su Hui remained by his side, Ning Yixiao thought, he would still rather waste the time, knowing nothing.