Chapter 57: N. Gentle Probing

When being kissed by Ning Yixiao, Su Hui thought of what he had said about life in New York, and the lack of boundaries regarding lust and the chaotic social networks in the art world.

He inexplicably thought of a sculptor he had met at an exhibition who believed in Dadaism—a white male who was dating two people at the same time, one of whom was even a man; the three of them maintained a healthy social relationship. Su Hui had been puzzled at the time, very much wanting to investigate, not out of conservative views, but out of curiosity about how they managed a three-person relationship. For Su Hui, love was something with an extremely strong sense of exclusivity.

They said this was a typical Western ideology: you cannot be trapped in any form.

Su Hui did not think so. He could take everything he had encountered and treat it like an experiment, but not love.

Because Ning Yixiao had appeared and become that [one and only], the following years were like Su Hui getting lost in the loss, constantly building solid fortresses for himself, refusing any intrusion, hiding all the memories Ning Yixiao left behind inside, living like a sober yet lonely Puritan, entirely out of place in that chaotic land.

But the moment Ning Yixiao appeared again, these copper walls and iron bastions crumbled instantly, as if he had found his belonging and automatically surrendered.

When the purity of their relationship was broken, the form collapsed, and Su Hui felt lost, yet unable to refuse.

He thought that in this life, he would only be chaotic for this one person.

Ning Yixiao’s hand pressed against Su Hui’s waist; his palms were warm and dry, yet they brought him humid desire.

This kiss was long and intermittent, as if for the two of them, trying to stay clear-headed, it wasn’t easy to maintain a kiss; it required many resting moments to prolong it. In the gaps, Ning Yixiao would call Su Hui’s name over and over in a breathy voice, gently stroking his cheek.

So close. Su Hui could see the marks left on the bridge of his nose by his glasses, so he kissed them, suddenly feeling satisfied in his heart, somewhat greedy for this moment.

Because being like this was already very close to [possessing], but not quite that close to losing.

Ning Yixiao stood up and lifted him onto the office desk. This action terrified Su Hui, who subconsciously spoke out to stop him, “Your leg…”

“It’s okay.” Ning Yixiao stood by the desk, leaning down to kiss his cheeks and lips, resting his forehead against his. “You’re very light.”

Su Hui didn’t believe him. “Even if I’m light, it will still hurt.”

“It doesn’t hurt; I don’t feel anything when I’m kissing you.”

He seemed determined to coax him to the end.

Su Hui didn’t want to call his bluff either. He was even afraid that Ning Yixiao would say more at this moment; once he really touched upon the past or the word “love,” he might truly run away immediately.

The past was unbearable to look back on, but burdened with guilt and the shackles of his illness, he was unable to move forward openly and start anew.

Su Hui hated the feeling of hurting Ning Yixiao; it hurt more than hurting himself.

Ning Yixiao had become different from the past. Now he was keen on leaving marks on Su Hui, especially on his neck, where they could be seen at a glance.

But Su Hui was also afraid of having his clothes unbuttoned, afraid of facing the tattoos and scars that symbolized the past.

So, when Ning Yixiao’s hand intended to do so, Su Hui would grab it, pull it to his lips, and kiss his fingers while looking into his eyes.

“Can you help me put on my tongue piercing?”

He was like a mischievous kitten, picked up by a kind owner, yet making a mess of the owner’s tidy study.

“I can’t put it on.” Ning Yixiao commanded, “Stick your tongue out more.”

Su Hui followed his arrangement, making Ning Yixiao’s hand and himself all wet. When his fingers probed inside, Su Hui thought of the past, his wisdom teeth suddenly ached a little, and his eyes moistened instantly.

Outside the window, it was snowing heavily. After many, many gentle or rough kisses, Su Hui was held in Ning Yixiao’s arms.

They tacitly decided not to go to the final step, but they did not stop the flow of desire; compared to claiming each other’s bodies, it was more like comfort.

Su Hui couldn’t help but think of a book he had read, which said that libido is essentially a longing for intimacy.

Immediately, he thought of that period of closed, gray time. Every day they had to follow rules and recite chapters of the Bible. In Galatians, sexual desire was equated with “fornication, impurity, licentiousness.”

Ning Yixiao was pressing down on him, panting slightly; even if filled with lust, he was still so handsome.

Su Hui was a man without faith. No matter how much he suffered, he firmly believed that no gods existed in this world, so he always rebelliously refused to read, and thus, always reaped the punishment of solitary confinement.

Locked in a dark room, separated by a wall, he could hear everyone reciting and praying. While everyone pinned their hopes on various false gods, Su Hui would miss Ning Yixiao, missing the way he stood alone by the gray sea, saying that everything was meaningless.

After it was over, they hugged each other quietly on the sofa in the second-floor study. Ning Yixiao fell asleep, very soundly.

Su Hui finally had the chance to observe him without restraint, feeling the changes in Ning Yixiao over the years he had been missing. There wasn’t much visible to the naked eye; he didn’t seem different from the person he had lived with in their rented apartment back then.

But the inner heart that Ning Yixiao covered up was like the wounds he had suffered alone, not shown to Su Hui.

Su Hui didn’t want to force him either; after all, he also had many unspeakable pasts. Saying them out loud felt like begging for Ning Yixiao’s pity in order to regain his favor, which seemed shameless.

Just like this, covering up for each other, pretending to be fine—it seemed safer.

He got out of Ning Yixiao’s arms, covered him with a blanket, and pressed his palm gently on his injured knee.

How did he get injured?

It must have been very painful.

Su Hui glanced at him sleeping, lowered his head, and quietly left a kiss on his left knee.

Unable to control the excitement brought by his manic phase, Su Hui went downstairs alone, returned to his room to take medicine, but that feeling of his feet not touching the ground couldn’t be shaken off. Su Hui found many things to do for himself, first cleaning up the parts that weren’t finished, then cleaning out his wardrobe again, and finishing the books he hadn’t finished.

But he couldn’t suppress his morbid impulse to suddenly run out into the street to wander, so he still went out with Xuegao (Ice Cream), walking from the park downstairs to the subway entrance, where he met a homeless man wearing a shabby leather jacket, sitting on a piece of felt.

The man said he could read palms, but Su Hui didn’t believe it; after all, he wasn’t a gypsy woman.

But the homeless man said his mother was, “If you feel what I say is wrong, you don’t have to give me any payment.”

Su Hui felt it was interesting, so he reached out his hand for him to see.

The homeless man’s eyes were very bright. Looking at this person who looked soft and gentle, he said honestly: “Your life is very crazy. You long for freedom, but when you gain freedom, you will also lose everything.”

“That really is quite accurate.” Su Hui was amused by him.

The homeless man looked at him mysteriously one last time, withdrew his gaze, and leaned against a pillar. “You will always get what you want, as long as you are not confused.”

Hearing this, Su Hui’s childish smile gradually faded.

A red-haired lady watching from the side laughed, “Don’t be fooled by him, this is the standard script for their line of work!”

Su Hui felt that he might actually want to be fooled, so he paid the fee.

“Thank you.”

Passing by an ice cream shop, he suddenly missed Ning Yixiao, so he bought ice cream and went home.

After wandering meaninglessly for two hours outside, his overly drifting thoughts finally got a little better. Returning home, there was still no one in the living room. Su Hui thought Ning Yixiao was probably still resting, so he intended to throw himself into work, but suddenly discovered a new email in the “Sent” box that he hadn’t sent himself.

The content of the email was a bunch of messy, meaningless letters, and the recipient was [Sean]; the sending time was two hours ago.

Su Hui looked up and saw the guilty-looking Xuegao, standing on the side wagging his tail and looking at him, and immediately understood.

He lowered his voice, “Xuegao, did you climb up and step on the keyboard?”

Xuegao suddenly “woofed” loudly.

“Shh—” Su Hui was afraid of waking Ning Yixiao, so he crouched down and pressed his finger to his nose. “Don’t bark.”

Xuegao wagged his tail obediently, rubbing his head against Su Hui’s hand.

Su Hui sighed, sat at the desk, and wanted to write an email to explain—although so much time had passed, but as soon as he typed two words, he suddenly received a reply from Sean.

[Sean: Is this a riddle for some puzzle game?]

Su Hui laughed and replied to him.

[Eddy: No (is it unromantic to answer like that?), actually, because I had my computer on, my friend’s puppy (his name is Xuegao) randomly tapped out a bunch of letters with his paws and sent them to you. Sorry… next time I will remember to turn off the computer!]

[Sean: So cute. I like puppies too.]

Xuegao’s state was much more excited than usual, wagging his tail constantly and making soft whimpering sounds.

Su Hui even thought about whether to attach a photo of Xuegao to show Sean, but thought better of it; after all, he was not the owner, so it was not appropriate to make decisions without authorization.

Just in the moment of hesitation, Xuegao’s front paws actually climbed onto the table again, squeezed him out, and tapped on the laptop keyboard, accidentally doing it a second time, replying with strange characters to Sean again.

“What are you doing?” Su Hui helplessly held his front paws, wishing he could bite him to teach him a lesson.

“Why are you so excited? Did you eat something wrong?” He was genuinely curious, and with a punitive gesture, he patted Xuegao’s head. “Stop moving around. You don’t really want to chat with humans, do you?”

Did he have to apologize again?

Su Hui was a bit helpless, but Sean’s email came even faster than his.

[Sean: Good evening, Xuegao.]

Seeing this reply, Su Hui’s heart stirred, and he didn’t know how to describe it.

Xuegao brought over a small toy and handed it to Su Hui. Su Hui threw it casually, and it was quickly picked up by Xuegao, who seemed to think that Su Hui didn’t throw it far enough and barked twice.

Su Hui had no choice but to stand up, taking the heart-shaped plush toy, gathered his strength, and threw it far away. To his surprise, it hit Ning Yixiao who was coming downstairs.

Ning Yixiao caught it smoothly, looking at Su Hui from across the living room.

“For me?” He asked intentionally, expressionless, raising the heart in his hand.

“Of course it’s for Xuegao.” Su Hui looked away. “You want to fight with a puppy for a toy?”

Ning Yixiao held the small toy, tossed it up and caught it, walked to Su Hui’s side, and said something somewhat childish. “Everything in this house is mine.”

Su Hui had nothing to refute, just took the laptop and left.

“Where are you going?”

“I have work to do.” Su Hui slipped into the room.

“Do you want to have burgers tonight?”

Ning Yixiao stared at the doorway. Sure enough, after a while, a small head appeared in the door frame.

Su Hui’s expression had a bit of a child’s shyness. “Yes, and I want thick fries dipped in ice cream.”

For a moment, Ning Yixiao had an illusion: even if Su Hui didn’t truly love him, even if it was just an appearance of love brought on by mania, as long as he stayed by his side like this, Ning Yixiao felt it was quite enough.

The vacation was short, and in the following days, he had to fly back to California, busy with meetings, work, and meeting all sorts of people. In the past, Ning Yixiao was very used to such a busy schedule, but because Su Hui was now in his life, he would carve out a part of his busy schedule to miss him.

They didn’t call each other very often; most of the time, they relied on chat software. Su Hui was the same as before, sending photos of his medication every day, only now with a little more concern, occasionally telling him about the weather changes in San Francisco, reminding him not to get sick.

Su Hui knew the weather in San Francisco better than he did himself, making Ning Yixiao wonder if he had added the city he was in to his weather app.

This was a very heartwarming behavior. Ning Yixiao decided to imagine it to himself and not ask for verification, lest it differ from his imagination and lead to disappointment.

Through these few words in their chats, he knew that Su Hui had also become busy, not only teaching students but also starting the on-site production and arrangements for the installation art he was making for Bella, waiting for Chloe’s photography exhibition next month.

[Su Hui: I’m taking them to the competition this weekend, in Los Angeles. I’ll go on Friday, and I expect to be back in New York by Sunday night at the earliest. It should be fine for Xuegao to stay at home alone, right? Or should you arrange for Coffee and the others to come back?]

The whole weekend in Southern California?

Ning Yixiao glanced at the schedule Carl had sent him and found that, as luck would have it, he had scheduled roadshows and interviews all through the weekend, his itinerary packed.

[Ning Yixiao: It’s fine. I’ll have someone take care of him.]

[Ning Yixiao: They should have arranged a hotel for you? For safety reasons, send me the address.]

Su Hui had no guard up and sent it over quickly.

Ning Yixiao searched for the location of the hotel, sent it to Carl, and called him on the extension, calling him in.

In a flash, it was the weekend.

Su Hui followed Professor White and the six participating students to California, picked up the work materials that had been shipped in advance, and assembled them ahead of time.

Arranged by the exhibition staff, Su Hui entered the art gallery to personally arrange the lighting and conduct on-site maintenance to ensure that their works were foolproof and restored as much as possible.

The competition lasted two days. The first day was the display of the works prepared by all participants, and the second day tested their impromptu performance. Su Hui stood in the venue with Professor White, sweating for all the students.

Fortunately, Ryan over-performed, completely combining the keywords given by the competition with his own background, and also showed excellent color sense, winning unanimous praise from the judges on site.

Even Professor White couldn’t help nodding in praise. “Ryan’s color sense has indeed improved a lot after your guidance.”

Su Hui shook his head repeatedly. “He is very smart himself.”

“You are just too humble.” The professor smiled. “You haven’t fully unearthed your own talent. Just a little bit of what you have shown now already exceeds many others. You are a talented artist, which is why I saw you at a glance back then.”

These words moved Su Hui. “Thank you.”

“Eddy, be more confident in yourself; everything will get better.”

When the competition ended, everyone breathed a sigh of relief, just waiting for the judges to score.

Su Hui glanced at the auditorium.

He had sent an electronic invitation to Sean, but he had politely declined; he probably didn’t come.

In fact, he had also vaguely revealed the competition to Ning Yixiao and sent him the hotel address, even though he knew he only asked for a copy because he was worried something might happen.

Ning Yixiao was so busy that he didn’t even have enough time to sleep. Su Hui thought about it and didn’t explicitly issue an invitation, fearing that it would bother him.

But it wasn’t easy for Su Hui to come to California, and although it was still more than 600 kilometers away from San Francisco and he didn’t get to see Ning Yixiao, he couldn’t help but feel a little regretful.

However, Su Hui adjusted quickly; he shouldn’t ask for so much.

Thirty minutes later, the judges’ scores finally came out. Everyone was on tenterhooks waiting for the host to announce the final results. Su Hui took several deep breaths, even more nervous than when he participated in an exhibition himself.

They announced the third and second places one after another; neither was their student. Su Hui was a little disappointed.

But in the end, the host read out Ryan’s name.

“The champion is Ryan Forrest!”

All six students screamed with excitement, and Professor White also applauded repeatedly. Su Hui was a beat slow, and it took him a few seconds to react, very excitedly congratulating Ryan.

Ryan ran onto the stage, got the trophy from the judge, and after taking a group photo, immediately ran off the stage. To Su Hui’s surprise, Ryan rushed over and picked him up, spinning him around in place.

Su Hui felt a little dizzy. “Put me down, Ryan, stop messing around.”

The exhibition hall turned into blurred light and shadow. In the dizziness, Su Hui suddenly caught a glimpse of a familiar figure, right at the entrance, so his tone became a little serious, almost ordering Ryan to put him down.

“Okay, okay.” Ryan also knew he was a bit carried away and put Su Hui down.

But there was no one at the entrance of the art gallery.

Su Hui felt that he couldn’t have misread it; in the underworld, he sensed something.

“Eddy, let’s take a picture together!” Another student grabbed his arm. “Come take a picture with the champion!”

Su Hui’s heartbeat was a little fast. After thinking about it, he still refused. “You guys take the photo first, I suddenly have something to do.”

He broke free from the arm and walked towards the entrance of the art gallery, but until he walked outside, he didn’t find that familiar figure.

Su Hui thought, perhaps it was an illusion caused by a momentary dizziness, because he missed Ning Yixiao too much.

He thought about whether to call him, but hesitated for a second, still afraid of interrupting Ning Yixiao’s work. According to what he had previously revealed, he should be in San Francisco receiving an interview with a magazine now.

Su Hui was covered in huge disappointment. In this magnificent art gallery, many people walked in with smiles on their faces, and every viewer hugged the pious heart of appreciating art, but he happened to have miscellaneous thoughts so easily, and even walked out for it, leaving without hesitation.

He began to doubt that it was really an illusion. Anxious and dejected, he walked to the open smoking area, a secluded high platform, from which one could look down at the beautiful twilight of the entire Los Angeles.

But Su Hui was in no mood. He found a cigarette, lit it, and leaned on the railing of the platform, looking at the distance.

The wind was too strong, and the tip of the cigarette kept glowing with red sparks.

“Time to see the doctor again.” Su Hui confirmed that he was having an episode, not realizing he was talking to himself.

But the next second, the cigarette in his hand was taken away.

“See a doctor?”

Ning Yixiao’s voice appeared. Su Hui’s first reaction was auditory hallucination, but when he turned his head, he actually saw him, wearing a gray cashmere coat, standing beside him, smoking the cigarette he had just smoked.

Su Hui dared not be sure, because every hallucination was actually very real; after all, he had lived a lifetime with Ning Yixiao in his hallucinations.

But he didn’t dare to raise his hand to probe with touch; that would be too silly.

Ning Yixiao exhaled the smoke, leaned over, gave him a real and fleeting kiss, his voice low.

“Professor Su, why aren’t you accompanying the student who won the award?”

Su Hui couldn’t walk directly out of the boundary between illusion and reality.

“You didn’t come looking for me, did you?” Ning Yixiao’s tone was straightforward, but he had no expression, his head tilted, his deep eyes behind the lenses looking straight at him. “I’m not the champion, nor am I a doctor.”