Chapter 62: N. Old Butterfly, Old Wounds

The wind outside was strong. Su Hui wrapped his coat tightly around himself and walked quickly. Seeing the convenience store Bella had mentioned, he pushed the door open and stood at the cigarette counter to choose.

He spotted the Marlboros he used to smoke at a glance, but feeling unsettled and irritable, he chose a different, unfamiliar brand instead.

“This one.”

“Alright. Would you like anything else?”

“No, thank you.”

The wait for the checkout was short, but agonizing.

Carl’s words circled in his mind. Su Hui really didn’t want to face Ning Yixiao; he was terrified of hearing him say anything—he didn’t want the good or the bad. That was why he had rejected him so unkindly, yet deep down, a little voice inside him kept chanting, “Come find me, please come find me soon.”

Su Hui tried hard to suppress that little voice, to stop it from making a fuss, but the second he turned around with the cigarettes, he saw Ning Yixiao.

He hadn’t even had time to escape the store before he was found.

Su Hui felt flustered. A block of stifling air was stuck in his chest, making it impossible to treat Ning Yixiao with grace or tenderness, so he pretended not to see him and started to walk out.

But Ning Yixiao blocked the doorway. When Su Hui moved left, he stepped left to block him; when Su Hui moved right, he did the same.

“What’s wrong? Unhappy?” He lowered his head, staring into Su Hui’s face.

“No.” Su Hui resisted passively. In the first place, he had no standing to interfere with Ning Yixiao’s social life, nor did he have the right. He was merely angry at himself and taking it out on Ning Yixiao—it was childish and unreasonable.

Seeing the two of them at a standstill in the doorway, the cashier smiled apologetically. “Gentlemen, um… could you take this conversation inside or outside? The doorway is a bit crowded, and I’m afraid it’ll be inconvenient for new customers coming in.”

“Sorry.” Ning Yixiao nodded slightly. With one hand he pushed the door open, and with the other, he grabbed Su Hui’s arm, forcibly leading him out.

Su Hui wanted to break free and pulled his arm away.

Ning Yixiao let go, but kept his eyes on him. “Didn’t you want to smoke? How are you supposed to do that standing inside the store?”

Su Hui was silent for a moment. With a self-destructive impulse, he tore open the cigarette pack and put one to his lips, only to realize he hadn’t brought a lighter.

If I had known, I wouldn’t have quit smoking.

He grew even more frustrated and planned to go back inside to borrow one, but Ning Yixiao produced a lighter, ignited the flame, and cupped his hand around it to offer it to him.

“It’s not like you need to avoid borrowing a light from me, is it?” Ning Yixiao’s tone was gentle, as if he didn’t want to fight with him.

It’s just a light.

Su Hui calmed down slightly, accepting the reality of Ning Yixiao’s sudden appearance. The more he hid, the more it seemed like he had something to hide. Thinking this, he leaned in, lit the cigarette, then pulled away and leaned against the wall to smoke quietly.

However, he hadn’t expected the tar content of this brand to be so high. He took only one drag before choking, his eyes turning red.

Ning Yixiao stood right in front of him, staring at him. “Not smoking Marlboros anymore?”

Su Hui couldn’t bear to listen to him talk about anything related to “the past” with a calm heart. He took the cigarette out of his mouth, looked down, and said something he didn’t mean. “I don’t like them anymore.”

“Is that so?” Ning Yixiao seemed quite bothered by his change in taste. He paused for a moment and said, “Do you like the kind that chokes you to tears now?”

Only then did Su Hui look up, his eyes stubborn. “I didn’t cry.”

Ning Yixiao laughed. “What on earth happened? You explode at the drop of a hat. Are you really a cat?”

He hates everything about the past now.

And he hates the nickname ‘little cat’ the most.

Yet, facing Ning Yixiao, Su Hui couldn’t bring himself to lose his temper; even raising his voice felt like hurting himself.

“It has nothing to do with you.”

Ning Yixiao knew Su Hui very well. His temper had always been gentle. During his manic phases, he might be impulsive, but unless his condition was very severe, he wouldn’t usually take it out on Ning Yixiao—unless the person who made him angry was Ning Yixiao himself.

But no matter how Ning Yixiao reflected, he couldn’t think of what he had done wrong. He hadn’t seen Su Hui for over half a month, and they had even video-chatted just last night; Su Hui had even shown him Xuegao (the cat) after its bath.

“Aren’t you cold?” Looking at Su Hui’s open coat and shirt collar, Ning Yixiao couldn’t help but reach out to pull it together, wanting to fasten his buttons.

Su Hui wanted to say, “I don’t need you to care,” but it was too childish, so he didn’t say it. Just then, he heard a familiar voice. He looked up and saw Jing Ming.

“Why are you guys here?” Jing Ming greeted them with a smile, Chloe right beside him, also smiling at them.

The buttons remained undone, and Ning Yixiao withdrew his hand, looking at the two of them. “You came together?”

“We happened to run into each other in the parking lot, so we just came together.” Jing Ming walked past him to Su Hui. “Eddy, this new hair color is great. Just now, neither of us dared to recognize you. If it wasn’t for Ning Yixiao standing here like a post, I really would have thought you were some model.”

Su Hui stubbed out his cigarette. “Stop joking with me.”

“How is this a joke?”

Jing Ming was cheeky and immediately sensed the awkward atmosphere between the two. He teased, “You two standing here look like a scene from an idol drama. This street is full of street photographers; who knows, some photographer might have walked by and snapped a photo of you guys and put it online.”

Chloe also smiled. “That’s actually true. There are a lot of model agencies around here, so there’s a lot of street photography.”

“See? One’s a beautiful artist, the other’s a Silicon Valley upstart. Tsk tsk, enough to conjure up quite a drama.”

“Shut up,” Ning Yixiao said mercilessly.

Chloe checked the time. “Let’s go up. Bella is going to start urging us soon.”

“Alright! This is my first time at her place. I don’t know if I can mooch a couple of outfits to wear.”

“You can try,” Chloe said with a smile.

The two in front chatted, while Ning Yixiao and Su Hui walked in the back. The awkward atmosphere remained unresolved.

Back when they were together, they had small frictions, but Su Hui was easy to coax. Sometimes, Ning Yixiao didn’t even have to do anything—just pulling him into a hug would resolve it.

But just now outside, Ning Yixiao couldn’t just ignore everything and hug Su Hui. Besides, he wasn’t sure if that tactic would still work on Su Hui. After all, Su Hui couldn’t even stand him holding his arm; he had just wanted to pull away immediately.

If he had forced a hug, it likely would only have made Su Hui feel disrespected.

Back on the second floor of the studio, Su Hui noticed Bella was chatting with someone. He could only see the person’s back—they were about the same height as him, with a great build and a head of curly brown hair. The person’s laughter was bright and cheerful.

He began to have a very bad feeling.

Bella saw Su Hui and the others and waved. Once they were close, she introduced them.

“Eddy, this is Julian, the one I mentioned to you before. He’s the fashion director for this shoot. Our big feature will be published in their weekly fashion magazine first, and then it will spread to平面 (print) advertisements across various channels.”

Julian turned around, smiling, and reached out his hand. “Hello, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

But upon seeing Su Hui’s face, he couldn’t help but freeze for a second.

“Hello.” Su Hui politely shook his hand.

“This is Eddy, a very, very talented installation artist. Of course, he’s also the print model I’ve specially invited this time. How about it? Isn’t he beautiful?”

Julian laughed after hearing this, sighing in genuine admiration. “He is indeed very beautiful. Your eye for talent has always been the best.”

“That’s for sure.” Bella smiled. “I thought you would just send a couple of people over to take a look; I didn’t expect you to come personally. You’re really giving me face. Have a seat; I’m going to take Eddy to get his makeup done.”

Came personally?

Su Hui lowered his eyes.

No wonder Ning Yixiao appeared suddenly. It was because of Julian’s work.

His wisdom tooth was aching. Su Hui raised his hand to cover the side of his face and followed Bella into the makeup room without looking back.

But he heard Julian greeting Ning Yixiao enthusiastically, “Shaw, your perfume smells a bit different today.”

He didn’t have time to hear Ning Yixiao’s response, and Su Hui didn’t want to hear it, either. He closed the door to the makeup room.

He wasn’t in a good state, but he didn’t want to delay the work because of these personal matters. Since he had taken on this job, Su Hui had decided to give it his all; he didn’t want to let Bella down.

Bella had a very complete concept for the makeup. “It must highlight the sense of transparency. Don’t have too many traces of foundation; his skin is super good—we could even go without foundation.”

“Don’t cover the veins on his eyelids, either. I want that look.” Bella took out her sketches. “The blush is the key, and then the eyelashes—use white mascara, and blue colored contacts.”

“No problem, we’ll do as you say.”

Su Hui sat quietly in front of the mirror. Despite his lack of sleep, he didn’t feel tired. Thinking of how Ning Yixiao had appeared just now, his heart had truly skipped a beat for a second.

But thinking of Julian made that flutter feel like a joke.

Whether it was in California or this time at Bella’s studio, they had appeared together; it didn’t look like a coincidence. Perhaps everything he thought was real was fake; he wasn’t the target, and it was all an illusion.

For the first time, Su Hui discovered that he, too, could be jealous.

So this was what jealousy felt like—making one look disfigured, especially a jealousy without any standing, which was even more laughable.

He couldn’t control his wandering thoughts or the overflowing sourness. He even decided in his heart what he would say to Ning Yixiao after the work was done: he should end this improper relationship and move out of his house.

The sooner, the better.

The door opened, and Julian walked in.

Su Hui’s makeup steps were simple and already finished; the stylist was currently choosing accessories.

“Like an elf,” Julian said, smiling at Bella. “I think the makeup effect is so good, it doesn’t need any changes. Maybe we can shoot directly in a while. Have the clothes been chosen?”

Bella nodded. “All from the main Spring/Summer collection. Three sets in total. Take a look.”

Su Hui half-closed his eyes, waiting for the stylist to attach the flower petals. Before long, Julian walked over, leaned down to stare at his face, and asked Bella, “For the first set, we’re using the water-blue shirt, right?”

“That’s right.”

Julian looked at the mirror. “I don’t think we should attach the flower petals. They’re a bit cumbersome.”

Su Hui opened his eyes and looked at himself in the mirror; he actually agreed with Julian.

“Then what should we pick?” Bella quite liked the petals. “Should we change the type of flower?”

Julian brought over the accessory box brought by the stylist and looked through it, but didn’t see anything he was satisfied with.

However, Su Hui noticed an acrylic transparent box in the container, containing a light blue butterfly.

“Let’s use this,” he pointed to it and said to Bella.

The stylist was a bit troubled. “This one is pretty, but it was damaged previously—a small half of the butterfly wing is broken off and missing. I was planning to throw it away, but I couldn’t bear to because this replica looks very real.”

“Aurora morpho,” Su Hui muttered to himself.

“What?” Bella didn’t hear clearly.

Su Hui shook his head and said to the makeup artist, “It’s fine. There is beauty in broken things, too. Maybe it will be even better than the complete one.”

“Listen to the model,” Julian smiled. “I also think this butterfly is very beautiful.”

The stylist nodded and finally stuck the broken fake butterfly under Su Hui’s eyelid. The fluorescent blue wings complemented his water-blue irises, and the effect was indeed very good. Bella was very satisfied.

The set was ready. Su Hui changed into the water-blue shirt. The special fabric shimmered with a delicate luster under the light, like ripples of water.

When he went out, Ning Yixiao was standing by the floor-to-ceiling window making a call, seemingly still handling work, but as if by some intuition, the moment Su Hui appeared, he turned his head, and the two looked at each other from a distance.

Seeing the butterfly on Su Hui’s face, Ning Yixiao was clearly distracted.

It was only a brief glance, and Su Hui quickly looked away.

Chloe saw Su Hui’s makeup and thought it was beautiful, so when he approached, she caught a close-up profile shot using the top-down light.

The warm-toned light fell on Su Hui’s face; the eyelashes, cheeks, and butterfly all appeared nearly transparent, a fragility mixed with a trace of holiness.

“Beautiful.” She lowered her head to confirm the shot and showed it to Su Hui. “I’ll have it printed for you.”

Su Hui smiled. “Thank you.”

Bella had long since designed the shots for the first big feature. It required a female model to cooperate. Su Hui sat on a gray sofa, while the female model stood behind him, placing her hands on his neck—her face wasn’t exposed, only her upper body entered the frame.

But reality and paintings always had discrepancies. Chloe was a perfectionist and very picky. They shot several times according to Bella’s instructions and adjusted it repeatedly, but the effect didn’t satisfy her.

Jing Ming, who was observing from the side, noticed her hesitation and came over. “What’s wrong? Isn’t it good?”

“It’s good, very good—this face can’t be faulted.” She stared at the picture, pondering for a moment. “It just feels like it lacks tension.”

“Tension?” Jing Ming thought about it and felt the problem was simple: Su Hui’s sexual orientation was different from his, so naturally, there wouldn’t be much sexual tension with a woman.

“Why not try a male model?” he suggested.

For the first time, Chloe realized Jing Ming wasn’t entirely a playboy.

She called Bella over and had all the male models in the studio come over to test it one by one.

“It seems to be a lot better than just now, but…”

Chloe closed her eyes, flipped through the previous shots, looked up, and asked Bella, “Are there any male staff members here with more prominent hand lines and veins?”

Bella turned her head, searching with her eyes; it wasn’t easy to pick one out on the spot.

“Um…”

Jing Ming quietly stepped between them and cleared his throat. “I actually have a candidate to recommend to you, guaranteed to fit the requirements.”

Two minutes later, Bella appeared in front of Ning Yixiao, who was working, and forcibly dragged him into the studio.

“What are you doing?”

“Do me a favor, please.”

Bella briefly explained the current situation and used the trump card Jing Ming had taught her: “Eddy is too tired to stay here; he already spent six hours on the hair color alone. If we finish quickly, he can rest.”

Sure enough, the usually incorruptible Ning Yixiao wavered, half-pushed and half-pulled into accepting this extremely temporary “collaboration.”

Ning Yixiao almost never took off his gloves in front of others, keeping himself wrapped up tightly, but now he was dragged over and reluctantly changed into the black shirt Bella handed him.

When he came out, he only showed his hands and did not roll up his sleeves as requested.

But those hands were indeed different. Chloe nodded at Jing Ming right away.

“I didn’t lie to you, did I?” Jing Ming was quite proud.

But one of the parties involved, Su Hui, felt very awkward. His work partner had suddenly changed from a strange female model to an ex he was currently sulking with. The situation had plummeted.

Ning Yixiao stood behind Su Hui as required and placed his hand on him.

“Wrong,” Chloe directed. “Shaw, roll up your sleeves. I need the line of the forearm.”

Ning Yixiao didn’t move; he was very uncooperative.

Seeing him not move, Su Hui looked up.

“If you don’t want to shoot, you can refuse,” he said softly.

Ning Yixiao, who had been silent, finally spoke. “If it were anyone else, of course I would refuse.”

Su Hui was stunned, his heart rate climbing little by little.

He wasn’t sure if he meant him or someone else, so he didn’t respond.

Chloe walked over directly, but Ning Yixiao didn’t want others touching him and pulled his hand back. “I’ll do it myself.”

He unbuttoned his cuffs, rolled up his sleeves, and exposed his arms as she requested.

When Ning Yixiao’s hand reached around, it was the first time Su Hui noticed the scars on his wrists and forearms—the area was not small, and they looked like old wounds.

“You guys Photoshop these scars out in post-production.” Ning Yixiao’s tone was cold.

Chloe was unexpectedly very satisfied and adamantly refused to allow any post-production changes. “No, this is very good. It’s the best one so far.”

Su Hui was somewhat distracted, his eyes always fixed on Ning Yixiao’s arm.

Since their reunion, Ning Yixiao had always kept himself covered, even very unwilling to take off his gloves. Even though they had had a few intimate moments, Ning Yixiao was unwilling to take off his clothes and be completely open with him.

Was this the reason?

Su Hui’s heart felt sour and ached with a fine, tiny pain. These scars seemed to be spreading, filling him with fear. Even knowing he had no standing and should refrain from caring, he couldn’t hold back in the end.

“How did you get these?”

Ning Yixiao didn’t answer but threw the question back at him.

“Is Teacher Su concerned about me?”

Su Hui went quiet.

“Not angry anymore?” Ning Yixiao pressed.

Su Hui still didn’t speak.

Chloe tried shooting one and gave new instructions. “Shaw, try gripping Eddy’s neck with your hand?”

Ning Yixiao wasn’t used to being exposed to the camera for display. “You won’t catch my face, right?”

Bella dispelled his worries. “Don’t worry. If you don’t want to, your name can be anonymous in the credits. But I’m quite honored—you’re the most ‘expensive’ model I’ve ever used.”

Ning Yixiao’s hand changed from a drooping posture to gripping his neck. The veins stood out, crossing with the scars on his arm. His forearm was a bit tan, creating a strong contrast with Su Hui’s snow-white, slender neck.

“I might use a little force. Just shout ‘stop’ if it’s uncomfortable,” Ning Yixiao whispered.

Su Hui could feel his fingertips pressing tight, contracting. The tiny scars on his knuckles rubbed against his skin. His pulsing heartbeat was trapped between Ning Yixiao’s fingers and the web of his hand; his breath and life seemed to be controlled by him.

[Can you choke my neck while we do it?]

He uncontrollably thought of the past, of the unreasonable request he had made to Ning Yixiao when they were still together—he was morbid, craving pain and intense love, wanting his lover to bring him an uncontrollable suffocation.

“Very good. Very, very good. Shaw, move your hand a little higher. Eddy, look up, look here.”

Chloe was finally satisfied and put down her camera. “I think the first set is done.”

Su Hui felt Ning Yixiao’s hand loosen. His tense nerves relaxed, regaining oxygen and freedom, but what followed was an unbearable emptiness.

Everything that just happened was like a dream, shattering at the slightest touch, just like their short-lived past.

“Su Hui, your face is red.”

Ning Yixiao walked out from behind the sofa and sat down beside Su Hui, looking down to tidy his cuffs, asking calmly, “What were you thinking about?”

“Nothing.” Su Hui couldn’t look at him and touched his face with the back of his hand—it was indeed very hot.

Staff members came and went. Bella and Chloe were selecting photos; Jing Ming was chatting up the female assistant; Julian was standing outside the studio staring at them.

But Ning Yixiao seemed completely indifferent to all of this. He turned his head, his expression light, but the words he said were very blunt. “You’re very beautiful today. You’re even beautiful when you’re angry.”

Su Hui was slightly stunned, his face burning even more.

Suddenly, Ning Yixiao reached out and spread his palm flat in front of him.

Su Hui was confused and looked at Ning Yixiao.

“What are you doing?”

“Although you’re cute when you’re like this, getting angry is bad for your health.”

Ning Yixiao looked at him. “It’s my fault. You can hit me.”