Chapter 43: P. Without Reservation

After such a sweet night, Su Hui slept for less than two hours, dominated by the excitement brought on by his hypomania.

Usually, he found it difficult to stay in one room; even in the middle of the night, he would run to the garden or leave the house to walk the streets until dawn just to burn off energy. But with Ning Yixiao here, Su Hui found he could accept staying in one room.

Ning Yixiao was very accustomed to hugging him from behind, his arm half-encircling Su Hui’s waist. Whether they were being intimate or simply sleeping in each other’s arms, he seemed to prefer this posture. Su Hui also liked to turn his head to look at him, kiss him, and press against his nose bridge and chin, which occasionally woke Ning Yixiao, forcing him to loosen his arm and embrace Su Hui face-to-face.

Su Hui counted specifically: Ning Yixiao slept more deeply than he had imagined, changing positions four times a night, yet in every one, he was holding him. The most adorable moment was at 4:00 AM; Su Hui got up to take a big gulp of water, and upon lying back down, Ning Yixiao’s arm immediately wrapped around his waist, his face burying into Su Hui’s chest, causing Su Hui to swallow even more quietly.

As dawn broke, the city was a soft, pale blue, as if submerged in a swimming pool. A glimmer of light passed through the white sheer curtains, illuminating the room.

Su Hui climbed out of bed quietly. His waist was so sore that lying down felt increasingly uncomfortable, yet he wasn’t bothered by it. He even felt that Ning Yixiao shouldn’t have been so gentle just because it was his first time.

Only with more pain would the memory be more profound.

Entering and withdrawing—Su Hui felt both the careful cherishing and the dangerous lack of control, a wonderful contradiction.

He washed up as quietly as possible, observing the hickeys Ning Yixiao had left on his chest, lower abdomen, and inner thighs in the bathroom mirror. The posture of being lifted up flashed through his mind, along with the not-so-decent things Ning Yixiao had whispered to him in front of the mirror, making Su Hui’s face burn.

Coming out of the bathroom, he picked up the Morpho aurora butterfly specimen Ning Yixiao had given him and stood by the floor-to-ceiling window, appreciating it quietly in the morning light.

At 8:00 AM, he leaned over the bedside, his fingertips lightly tracing the shape of Ning Yixiao’s hand.

His hands are so beautiful, Su Hui couldn’t help but sigh inwardly. They were like the hands in a Giovanni Gasparro painting—slender, with prominent tendons and clear knuckles, a slight tan, and veins spreading up his forearm, full of vitality.

Just as Su Hui was attempting to hold it, Ning Yixiao’s hand suddenly lifted and lightly touched his forehead.

He was awake.

Su Hui pressed both arms against the edge of the bed, leaning in to press his forehead and face against Ning Yixiao’s hand, rubbing the tip of his nose against his palm.

Ning Yixiao suddenly laughed, his voice deep. “Only a kitten would rub its head against people like that.”

Su Hui felt that this notion was already deeply rooted in Ning Yixiao’s mind and couldn’t be bothered to argue with him. But he began to scratch his own chin, which was very itchy, so he lowered his head and gently bit Ning Yixiao’s fingertip.

He didn’t just bite, but rather used his teeth to anchor it, refusing to let the hand escape, then circled the tip with his tongue, and finally pushed it deeper, as if trying to let a part of him enter his own body.

Ning Yixiao didn’t speak, but his breathing grew heavy. He seemed to try to resist by resting his other hand over his eyes, but a few seconds later, he admitted defeat and reclaimed the initiative—exploring and stirring in a deeper, softer place with his fingers.

Su Hui couldn’t breathe. His tongue piercing was flicked; his index and middle fingers clamped onto his tongue, intertwining with it, stabbing in and out without mercy. Desire turned into a constant secretion of saliva that flowed from the corner of his mouth, leaving his eyes and chin wet.

Just as he was struggling to breathe, choking from the depth of the intrusion, Ning Yixiao withdrew his hand. He pinched Su Hui’s cheek with his moist fingers, staring at him with a faint smile on his face.

“Su Hui, your face is all wet.”

He said almost exactly what he had said last night. He pinched his cheek until it was red, then leaned in, ignoring Su Hui’s panting, to kiss his wet corners of the mouth and chin.

“Not just that…” Su Hui climbed onto the bed, arching his body, leaning into Ning Yixiao’s ear, licking and kissing, and issuing a new invitation in a breathy voice.

The room was bright, the fragrance of flowers masking the secret scents. His vision blurred, then cleared again; the recessed ceiling light danced in multiple images in his eyes. The sheets were crumpled tightly, and his sounds were muffled by Ning Yixiao’s fingers, flowing away just like time.

In Ning Yixiao’s embrace, for the first time, Su Hui felt surrounded by love. He lost consciousness, even dropping the surname when calling his name.

He didn’t know that this reminded Ning Yixiao of unpleasant childhood memories, but because Su Hui was so good, so sweet, the happiness he brought overshadowed Ning Yixiao’s hidden pain.

Su Hui, whose energy far exceeded that of a normal person, finally fell into a deep sleep—though it lasted only an hour.

He felt as if he were being crushed by a stone weighing a thousand pounds in his dream. When he was woken by Ning Yixiao, the stone was finally moved aside, leaving him in a state of sore, unbearable aching.

Supporting himself to sit up against the headboard, Su Hui felt a sharp pain in his throat. Ning Yixiao walked over, thoughtfully bringing him water. He had already changed into yesterday’s black shirt—very handsome, refined yet not quite proper.

Su Hui glanced down at himself, covered in red marks, and compared to the other, he felt even less “proper.”

“Hungry?” Ning Yixiao asked. “Do you want to go out to eat, or should I buy something and bring it back?”

Su Hui began to act spoiled. “I can’t get up, I’m so tired…” He leaned toward the side of the bed, reached out to feel the nightstand, grabbed the phone, and said, “Let’s order delivery.”

Ning Yixiao sat on the edge of the bed, and Su Hui leaned乖巧 (obediently) against his shoulder. He reached out and touched Su Hui’s smooth spine.

Su Hui ordered the food with a raspy voice, leaned over for a short kiss, and asked him, “Do you like me?”

Ning Yixiao felt this question didn’t need to be asked, but he nodded anyway. “I do.”

“How much… to what degree?”

Ning Yixiao thought for a moment. “To the degree that I want to give you whatever you ask for.”

Su Hui smiled. “Don’t lie to me.”

“I don’t lie.” Ning Yixiao took his hand. “I will achieve it.”

After saying this, he kissed Su Hui’s hair, called him “little kitten,” and acted like a boy who had just fallen in love. Su Hui thought he was like that too, just too mature normally.

“You love coming up with nicknames, huh,” he asked deliberately. “Do you give them to others too?”

Ning Yixiao looked at him and shook his head. “No.” He never had. He didn’t even know when he started thinking Su Hui was like a kitten—perhaps it was their first meeting, or perhaps some moment while they were together.

Su Hui lay on his lap, looking up at him. “It’s my first time being given a nickname, too.”

Ning Yixiao stroked his hair. “Really? You don’t have a childhood name?”

Su Hui blinked. “I do.”

“What’s it called?” Ning Yixiao asked.

“You-You.” (优优)

Ning Yixiao raised an eyebrow. “The ‘You’ for leisurely (悠)?”

Su Hui lowered his eyelids. “The ‘You’ for excellent (优), the ‘You’ for a top student, the ‘You’ for superior performance.” His tone was a bit willful, very straightforward. “I don’t like that name. My grandfather gave it to me. He used to call me that when I was little. I felt like the person he was calling wasn’t me.”

Ning Yixiao looked into his eyes. “Who was he calling?”

“The me he expected, an imagined image.” Su Hui dissected his family without a care. “Just like how he often told me to be a useful person and do useful things. Everything I liked to do was defined by him as useless.”

Ning Yixiao listened, lowered his head, and kissed Su Hui’s nose tip. “Then, besides that childhood name?”

“None.” Su Hui buried his face in his chest. “Only little kitten.”

“Then you will only be my little kitten.” Ning Yixiao stroked his shoulder.

Su Hui thought, there would never be a second person in this world to say such things to him.

While eating, Ning Yixiao asked if anyone else knew about his illness. Su Hui shook his head.

“They won’t let me tell anyone,” Su Hui said. “I’ve only told you.”

After a long pause, he told Ning Yixiao, “Now that I think about it, I think I got sick after my dad left, but it wasn’t obvious because it was hypomania—I just felt like I had endless energy and could stay up late to learn many things. That summer when I was fourteen, I painted a whole room full of paintings. One day, I suddenly ran to tell my grandfather I wanted to study art.”

“Grandfather scolded me and threw away all my paints and drawings. I rode my bike to chase the garbage truck but couldn’t get them back.”

As Su Hui said this, he even laughed. “I still remember him scolding me for being ‘mentally abnormal.’ I didn’t expect it to become a prophecy. I wonder what his reaction was when he saw the diagnosis later.”

Ning Yixiao felt a pang of heartache; the thirteen-or-fourteen-year-old Su Hui must have been very cute, but also very pitiful. He could imagine Su Hui riding his bike on the street chasing the lost paintings, but just thinking about it felt heartbreaking.

“Did you go see a doctor later?” Ning Yixiao raised his hand and naturally wiped the corner of Su Hui’s mouth.

Su Hui shook his head. “I didn’t know then. One day after the semester started, I remember it was an English class, group discussion, and I suddenly couldn’t handle it. It was like the sky had collapsed, pressing down on me alone. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t speak, couldn’t move, and started crying. I scared everyone around me.”

“Later, the teacher contacted my mother. She was away on business, so she sent the driver.”

Su Hui spoke fluently, his speed fast, as if telling someone else’s story. “He took me to the hospital, but the psychiatry department at that hospital wasn’t very good. I only remember I struggled all afternoon. My mother flew back, and the doctor told her I had severe depression.”

“She didn’t understand how I could suddenly become depressed. The whole family didn’t understand. The only possibility was genetics because my uncle also had mental illness.” Su Hui lowered his head and took a bite of porridge. “Anyway, they prescribed meds, and that was the treatment.”

Ning Yixiao frowned. “But you aren’t depressed.”

“Mm, it was a misdiagnosis.” Su Hui pursed his lips. “I only found out later that Type II Bipolar is easily misdiagnosed as depression because it’s hypomania—not obvious—but the manifestations of depression are severe, so many people get it wrong. But because I was treated incorrectly for half a year, the situation got worse.”

He said casually, “Age fifteen, I remember it was a Wednesday, because on Wednesdays Mom’s assistant would make preserved plum cherry tomatoes. That night at 11:00 PM, I used a utility knife to stab here.”

Su Hui took his hand and placed it under his ribs. “Right here, you saw it yesterday. Seven stitches. Very ugly.”

Ning Yixiao felt pain, but he couldn’t distinguish where it was hurting. He subconsciously covered Su Hui’s old scar, even beginning to imagine that if he had been there then, he would have found it even harder to suppress that vague sense of pain. He thought he wouldn’t empathize with anyone.

“Does it hurt?”

Su Hui held his cheek with his hand, stirring the porridge with a spoon. “Actually, I don’t feel anything. I’m numb.”

Ning Yixiao asked, “What were you thinking at that time?”

Su Hui knew that saying these things was cruel to Ning Yixiao, but he didn’t want to lie.

“Just felt there was nothing worth clinging to.”

After speaking, the spoon was dropped, clinking against the porcelain bowl.

He looked at Ning Yixiao. “I wish you had appeared sooner.”

Maybe this scar could have been “withdrawn.”

Ning Yixiao’s embrace was the smallest but most effective sanctuary in the world, silently filling all his wounds with tenderness. Su Hui seemed to return to that day in New York, his longing for Ning Yixiao reaching its peak. He wished Ning Yixiao could have appeared in his arduous adolescence, holding him when everyone else denied him, saying he loved him over and over again.

“Actually, I’m quite funny during my manic phases.”

Su Hui laughed, wanting to make Ning Yixiao happy too. “I haven’t told you, during manic phases, people become very strange. For example, I have a desperate desire to buy things; my shopping desire is extremely旺盛 (intense).”

Ning Yixiao’s fingers caressed his cheek. “What did you buy?”

“A lot, I can’t even list them all.” Su Hui thought about it and found one he thought was the most magical. “I think it was when I was seventeen. I saw a video online shot by a foreigner, and it had a lot of elephants killed by poachers.”

He sat up from Ning Yixiao’s arms and said to him, “To get the most complete ivory, they kill the elephants very cruelly. The end of the video was that foreigner calling on everyone to protect the elephant herd; by spending money, you could adopt a baby elephant, and they would be placed in an elephant protection base.”

“You adopted one?” Ning Yixiao raised an eyebrow.

Su Hui showed a somewhat embarrassed smile and raised two hands to make a gesture. “Seven… I gave them names.” He counted his fingers and sang out the musical scale, “Do, re, mi, fa, sol, la, si.”

Ning Yixiao was amused. “Really? Where are they now?”

Su Hui sighed. “Although it said ‘adoption,’ you actually can’t transport them back to the country. It was equivalent to sponsoring them. The money was used to pay for specialized care and food expenses.”

“That was a lot of money, right?”

Su Hui couldn’t help but laugh out loud. “I almost maxed out my card. Later, my grandfather found out and beat me, but the donated money couldn’t be refunded. And he cares about his face the most, so he couldn’t ask for the donated money back, so he could only punish me. From then on, my mobile payments were also closed, and I was only given a fixed amount of money every day.”

As he spoke, he wrapped his arms around Ning Yixiao’s neck. “The money for our dates was what I saved up.”

“You are so cute.” Ning Yixiao kissed him and pinched his cheek again. “Little kitten saving elephants.”

Su Hui leaned over and bit his hand, then leaned back on the bed and lit a cigarette.

He looked beautiful smoking, flowing with sex appeal and melancholy, but the corners of his mouth were lifted. The previous moment was a child’s innocence, childishly revealing the double-sided pain of his teenage years; now, he was an adult again, blowing out grey-white smoke rings. “Ning Yixiao, I’ve told you everything. It’s not too late to run now.”

Ning Yixiao gazed at him fixedly for a moment, took the half-smoked cigarette from his lips, and kissed him with some force—Su Hui even tasted blood.

When they separated, Ning Yixiao pinched his chin, his thumb wiping the blood bead from his lips.

“Drink more water; you break at the slightest kiss.”

Su Hui hooked his neck and suddenly asked, “Did we use up the whole box?”

Ning Yixiao reacted for a moment, then nodded.

He kissed Ning Yixiao’s lips and gave a very unreliable suggestion: “Don’t wear it…”

At the last moment, Ning Yixiao still held his ground.

A little kitten that had just “tasted meat” was indeed hard to handle.

But he told Su Hui very seriously, “When I fell in love with you, you were like this. I don’t need you to be healthy or excellent; this is just fine, unique in the whole world.”

He said it very cherishfully, “Su Hui, I love you very much, don’t doubt it.”

After that, Su Hui seemed to feel that offering himself as a gift still wasn’t enough, so he made a copy of the key to his “secret base,” put it in a small box, and gave it to Ning Yixiao during a date.

As soon as Ning Yixiao saw the beautiful box, he responded reflexively, “I told you, I don’t need expensive gifts.”

Su Hui opened the box right in front of him; he was only one knee-drop away from the people proposing in movies, but inside was a brand-new key. He could tell Ning Yixiao liked it because when he got the key, he didn’t know where to put it and clutched it in his palm for a long time.

Whether it was his outer shell or his inner self, he longed to be possessed by Ning Yixiao.

Unlike ordinary couples, most of their dates were spent walking because Su Hui loved walking, especially in some quiet, beautiful parks or forests, where he could hold Ning Yixiao’s hand and talk to him about many things.

He liked plants and would often stop to point them out to Ning Yixiao, telling him the scientific name of the plant. And Ning Yixiao never got annoyed.

Seeing the small blue flowers on the ground, Su Hui suddenly thought of the flowers in his own garden.

“Time to repot the ‘Blue Rain’ at home.”

Just like that, he suddenly pulled Ning Yixiao into the car and drove all the way to his house. This was Ning Yixiao’s second time here, but he still couldn’t calm the anxiety in his heart.

Su Hui pulled him, entering from the garden path as before. “Mom is staying at her boyfriend’s place today and won’t come back; my grandparents are also out of town.”

He brought Ning Yixiao to the garden, found the fence where the ‘Blue Rain’ was planted, squatted down, and taught Ning Yixiao how to repot it. But Ning Yixiao was looking at him too intently and got distracted.

Su Hui saw he didn’t respond, looked up, and noticed, so he grabbed a swaying flower branch and tapped Ning Yixiao’s face.

Ning Yixiao came back to his senses, followed suit, held the flower stem, and used the flower to brush Su Hui’s face. But he didn’t expect Su Hui to bite the blue-purple flower directly.

He bit off a few petals, leaned into Ning Yixiao’s ear, blew air, and the petals fell onto his collar.

Suddenly, a voice came, followed by footsteps.

“Young Master, the Miss is back.”

Su Hui frowned and stood up. “Why is she back…”

“Your mom?” Ning Yixiao stood up too. “I should go back.”

Su Hui was a bit irritable, frowned and thought, but couldn’t bear to let him go, so he grabbed his wrist.

Just then, the sound of high heels came, stepping on the pebble path. Very quickly, a figure in a purple long dress appeared on the garden path.

“Su Hui.” Ji Yanan walked closer, changing to a friendly smile when she saw Ning Yixiao. “Why didn’t you tell me when you brought a friend home?”

Su Hui had no choice but to make a simple introduction. “This is Ning Yixiao.”

Ji Yanan walked over, smiling and saying, “Hello, I am Su Hui’s mother.”

Ning Yixiao nodded slightly. “Hello, ma’am.”

“He’s much taller than Su Hui.” Ji Yanan smiled. “Stay and have dinner together.”

Ning Yixiao subconsciously wanted to refuse. “I really shouldn’t disturb…”

“How is this disturbing? It’s Su Hui’s first time bringing a friend home; we have to have a meal. Do you have any dietary restrictions? What do you like to eat?” She asked a lot, and Ning Yixiao said he didn’t have any and that anything was fine.

“Fine. Su Hui, take Yixiao to your room to sit for a while, I’ll call you when it’s ready.” After speaking, Ji Yanan turned back.

Ning Yixiao looked at her back and thanked her politely. “Thank you, ma’am.”

Ji Yanan looked back and smiled. “You’re welcome, make yourself at home.”