Chapter 44: P. Fellow Outcasts

Entering Su Hui’s room for the second time, Ning Yixiao’s role shifted from a comforter to a visitor.

Su Hui’s state was much better than last time, which slightly eased the anxiety and restlessness in Ning Yixiao’s heart. Yet, because of the shift in perspective, he could now deeply and intuitively appreciate how beautiful the room was—something he had been too distracted to notice before.

Su Hui found an exquisite photo album and opened it for Ning Yixiao. They sat on the wooden floor. Su Hui turned to a page and pointed, “Look, this is me when I was four. Beside me are my father and my uncle.”

At that time, Su Hui was just a little boy wearing a yellow hat, denim overalls, and little leather shoes.

“You look like a little girl,” Ning Yixiao tilted his face, looking at him.

Su Hui pursed his lips, putting on that feigned unhappy expression again. “Not at all.”

Ning Yixiao mimicked him. “Not at all.”

“Ning Yixiao, you’re so childish.” Su Hui turned the page. “I’m not showing you anymore.”

“My mistake.”

Ning Yixiao was always quick to apologize; when facing Su Hui, he seemed to have absolutely no bottom line.

Su Hui found another photo and leaned in. “Look at this. This is when I was ten, participating in a school talent show. I was playing the piano on stage. My mother took this picture.”

There were many people in the audience, sitting neatly. Su Hui sat alone in front of the piano on stage, wearing a tuxedo, a small spotlight from above shining quietly on him, like a pampered little prince.

Flipping through the album, most of the photos were taken by his mother, so she was rarely in them.

He muttered to himself, “Actually, my mom loves me. She almost died giving birth to me and gave up a lot for my sake. It’s just that her love was deformed by this damn patriarchal family, and she became deformed too. I haven’t yet, so it’s very hard for me to endure.”

These words sounded heartbreaking.

Ning Yixiao felt sad for no reason. In his heart, Su Hui should have been born into an environment free from worry, a greenhouse isolated from hardship, poverty, and suffering, with superior nutrients and conditions, filled with sunshine and love.

But sometimes love can also be suffocating, turning people out of shape. Like many parents, their love was not a small patch of free world, but a net, a molding glass jar, passed down through generations and treated as the gold standard. Su Hui’s grandfather treated Su Hui’s mother this way, and he treated Su Hui the exact same way.

As an outsider, Ning Yixiao found it difficult to judge whether this was love, as he hadn’t received much care from family either. But one thing was certain: Su Hui did have a starting point that many people couldn’t reach even after struggling for a lifetime; he could easily obtain many things without effort.

At this moment, Ning Yixiao even felt a bit grateful for his own drive—if he hadn’t gritted his teeth and walked through it, crawling upward from a small village, stumbling and bloodying his head… If not for that, his drab, miserable life would never have intersected with Su Hui’s.

“What are you daydreaming about?” Su Hui glanced at the door, raised the album in his hand to shield their faces, and leaned over to kiss the corner of Ning Yixiao’s mouth.

Su Hui’s eyes and brows were as beautiful as the oil paintings hanging in his room. His eyelashes were so long they seemed heavy, just like the frustrations he had experienced in his life, weighing down these slightly upturned eyes.

Ning Yixiao also turned his head and kissed the reward heaven had given him.

“We seem to be having an affair…” Su Hui leaned in, wanting a deep kiss, but the door was suddenly knocked twice.

The servant’s voice came from outside. “Young Master, dinner is ready.”

Su Hui was already clinging to him, so he forcefully initiated a wet kiss with Ning Yixiao and responded vaguely, “I know…”

Two minutes later, they went out and walked through the corridor. The twilight shone through the ubiquitous glass windows onto the antique floor; the place was practically a giant art piece.

One side of the dining room was an entire floor-to-ceiling glass wall, facing the row of “Blue Rain” clematis Su Hui had planted. The blue-purple flowers were dense among the lush, plump green leaves, emitting a faint, refreshing summer scent.

Ji Yanan’s tone carried a hint of pride, though she used suppressive words to cover it. “Su Hui just likes to fiddle with flowers and plants. Many people who come to my house for the first time think it’s done by a professional gardener; actually, it’s just him messing around.”

As she spoke, she took a disinfected hot towel from the servant and handed it to Su Hui.

“There is a lot of work done by the gardener too,” Su Hui said while carefully wiping his hands.

“What do you mean ‘a lot’? The gardener only comes occasionally to weed and trim branches…” Ji Yanan sipped her tea and said with a smile to Ning Yixiao, “You should have some too. This tea is good; it’s very fragrant. I brought it from Sichuan.”

“Thank you, ma’am.”

“What are you thanking me for? Su Hui has never brought a friend home; you’re the first one,” Ji Yanan said with a smile. “Every time I ask him how school is, he says ‘it’s okay, it’s okay.’ Actually, I feel Su Hui is quite lonely, because he spends less time in school than others; he asks for leave very often…”

At this point, Ji Yanan suddenly realized she had said too much, so she suppressed it and had the lady at the side serve Ning Yixiao soup.

Su Hui was very casual. “It’s okay, Mom, he knows about my illness.”

Ji Yanan was surprised and glanced at Su Hui. “Really? Then you must be very close.”

Ning Yixiao smiled. “It’s okay, ma’am. I understand what you mean; you care about him very much.”

Ji Yanan sighed. “I’m quite busy too, but you know, with Su Hui’s illness, how can I not care? His grandfather also has high expectations for him. After all, he’s the only child.”

The soup was boiled with pigeon and abalone. The lady at the side served everyone a bowl. The soup was golden and smelled very fragrant.

But seeing the abalone in the bowl, Ning Yixiao felt an uncontrollable physiological nausea. He didn’t show it; he still drank some, and his chopsticks only picked at the vegetable dishes right in front of him.

Su Hui drank a few sips of soup and dismantled the meat from the pigeon leg to eat. “Mom, didn’t you say you were going to Uncle Xu’s today? Why are you back?”

Ji Yanan said, “Your Uncle Xu was called to a meeting halfway through. I thought you were still at home, so I came back first, otherwise you wouldn’t eat properly again. He’ll be here in a while; he just texted me saying he’s on his way, and that he saw the egg tarts you like and bought them for you.”

Su Hui’s expression soured. He poked the rice grains in his bowl with his chopsticks.

Ji Yanan noticed his sullen face but said nothing, simply enthusiastically serving Ning Yixiao dishes and telling him to eat more.

“By the way, Xiao Ning,” Ji Yanan looked at him, hands folded. “Su Hui just said you are classmates, same department?”

Ning Yixiao explained, “I study Computer Science. I met Su Hui when we joined the same club.”

Ji Yanan nodded. “Computer Science—a top major at T University. So you’re a sophomore?”

“Junior. I’m a year ahead of him,” Ning Yixiao said.

“Then you’re preparing to graduate soon, right? What are your plans after that?” Ji Yanan asked.

Su Hui interrupted, “Mom, why do you have so many questions?”

“It’s fine.” Ning Yixiao smiled. “I’m interning now, and I’m also applying for the CSC scholarship to study for a master’s degree abroad, so I’m simultaneously preparing for some thesis work. I’m also collaborating with Professor Wang, who Su Hui works with.”

Su Hui admired Ning Yixiao from the bottom of his heart for being able to describe his future plans as methodically as an interview under the relentless questioning of his boyfriend’s mother. If it were him, he definitely couldn’t have done it.

Ji Yanan’s face showed clear admiration. “That’s very impressive. But the CSC competition at T University must be very fierce. If I remember correctly, the application is next March. I wish you all the best.”

“Thank you, ma’am,” Ning Yixiao nodded slightly.

“My neighbor Uncle Zhang’s son is also going abroad. He’s taken IELTS and TOEFL countless times, and even throwing money at ‘watery’ credentials is a struggle,” Ji Yanan served Su Hui some food. “Xiao Ning is so excellent; you should work hard too.”

Su Hui nodded, glanced at Ning Yixiao, his mouth pursed with a smile. It really was unexpected: bringing Ning Yixiao to see his parents for the first time, and he became the “child of another family.”

As they were chatting, the sound of a door closing came from the foyer. Ji Yanan turned her head. “Xu Zhi?”

“Hey.” Xu Zhi responded from afar. When he walked over, he was carrying egg tarts and a box of seafood that looked expensive just from the packaging.

“You said you had a guest, so I brought some tuna and lobster sashimi on my way. It’s cut, can be eaten directly.” Xu Zhi set the things on the table, his eyes met Ning Yixiao’s, and he froze for a second.

“Yo, all the things I like.” Ji Yanan smiled and asked the servant to put them on plates, unwrapped the egg tarts, and handed them to Su Hui. “Quick, thank your uncle.”

Su Hui took them, not looking very happy. “Thank you.”

“Sit.” Ji Yanan looked at Xu Zhi. “Why are you zoning out?”

Xu Zhi smiled and sat down beside Ji Yanan, saying with a smile, “So the guest you mentioned was Xiao Hui’s friend.”

Ji Yanan then reacted. “Right, forgot to introduce him. This is Xiao Hui’s classmate, Ning Yixiao.” She looked at Ning Yixiao. “This is my husband, Xu Zhi.”

Vaguely, Su Hui felt something was off and turned to look at Ning Yixiao. He looked calm, wearing a very polite and kind smile. Su Hui suddenly realized that he had almost never seen this kind of smile on Ning Yixiao’s face before.

When facing him, Ning Yixiao was real and cute, but at this moment, he was full of defense, concealing his inner thoughts.

“Hello, Uncle Xu.” Ning Yixiao’s tone was calm.

Xu Zhi nodded in acknowledgment, just as the servant served the seafood sashimi he had bought. They were all put into a huge, off-white, wide dish, arranged in a beautiful shape, no different from the expensive dishes in high-end restaurants, waiting to be tasted by the wealthy.

“Taste it, it’s very fresh.” Xu Zhi smiled, using serving chopsticks to place a slice of tuna o-toro for Ning Yixiao, explaining that this was the most delicious and tender part of the tuna, because it hardly exercised, so the fat accumulated here, and the texture was excellent.

Ning Yixiao looked down, staring at this piece of pink tuna meat filled with frosting-like marbling. The familiar scent of the sea surged again, making it unbearable for him.

But he still ate it quietly, enjoying this clump of fat that made him nauseous as if it were a rare delicacy, chewing and swallowing. He picked up his tea and drank a lot, but it couldn’t dilute that fishy smell of the sea.

Su Hui was sensitive to everything about Ning Yixiao. Even though Ning Yixiao appeared flawless, he still felt something was wrong. So, his hand under the table was placed gently on Ning Yixiao’s knee, and he turned his face to whisper, “Do you not like it?”

Ning Yixiao just smiled and didn’t answer.

Su Hui stared at him, then looked at Xu Zhi opposite them, always feeling there was an inexplicable disharmony between them. Although he thought this was normal, because he also hated Xu Zhi.

But why would Xu Zhi freeze when he saw Ning Yixiao?

He suddenly thought of what Feng Zhiguo said the first time he drove to pick him up. Feng Zhiguo was brought from their hometown by Xu Zhi; he was considered his person.

Ning Yixiao was from Beibin Province, and so was Xu Zhi.

Su Hui didn’t think it would be such a coincidence, but he always felt something very strange deep down.

Xu Zhi smiled and asked Ji Yanan, “How is it?”

Ji Yanan nodded repeatedly. “Delicious, everything you buy is good.”

She had just eaten a few mouthfuls when she was interrupted by a phone call. She left the dining table and went to the study upstairs, telling them to eat more before leaving.

The dining table instantly turned cold. The initiative fell into Xu Zhi’s hands, and the topic was thrown to Su Hui and Ning Yixiao.

“Actually, I’m quite surprised that you two became good friends.” Xu Zhi smiled, his eyes half-squinted. “Xiao Ning looks like someone who is very planned about his future, very realistic and motivated. Xiao Hui… he feels like a completely different type of person.”

He smiled and pointed to the paintings hanging in the house. “Xiao Hui just likes these things: paintings, art pieces, flowers and plants. Sometimes he can stare at the sky for an entire day. I still remember his mother telling me that Xiao Hui had many whimsical ideas when he was a child, and what he said was different from ordinary children.”

He imitated Su Hui’s tone. “What impressed me most was him saying, ‘I feel that this society is full of one-dimensional people; everyone only cares about material things, without spirit, living like a wrinkled piece of paper.'”

After finishing, Xu Zhi laughed. “Isn’t it cute?”

Su Hui didn’t laugh. He loathed having his words repeated by Xu Zhi, and he also hated being in such a situation, and he hated Xu Zhi putting on a posture that looked intimate with him, so he felt restless and uncomfortable.

Ning Yixiao chuckled lightly. “He is very cute, but also very profound.”

“Profound, exactly.” Xu Zhi tasted his tea and said with a smile, “That’s why I think it’s magical that you can get along so harmoniously. Xiao Hui is a person who is innocent, idealistic, and disdains success in the secular sense; he doesn’t like people who are too realistic.”

Ning Yixiao lowered his eyes, quietly picking at the green vegetables in the dish, but he couldn’t pick any up no matter what.

“I’m full.” Su Hui stood up, ending the topic very rudely, and turned to ask Ning Yixiao in a low voice, “Help me repot the flowers?”

“Mm.” Ning Yixiao stood up, nodded slightly, and stood up as well.

Who knew that Ji Yanan had just finished her work call and saw them both about to leave when she came downstairs. “Finished eating so soon?”

Su Hui stood where he was and gave a grunt.

Ji Yanan asked from behind, “Want some fruit?” She glanced outside. “It’s quite late. Xiao Ning, why don’t you sleep in the guest room tonight and leave tomorrow morning?”

Ning Yixiao refused subconsciously. “No need, ma’am, it’s Monday tomorrow, I still have to go to work.”

“It doesn’t matter. I’ll have the driver take you tomorrow morning; it will be very fast.” She smiled. “Just stay in the guest room next to Su Hui’s. It’s just a little small; if you don’t mind, I’ll have the lady clean it up.”

Things had been said to this point, and Su Hui had been looking at him the whole time; Ning Yixiao couldn’t refuse.

“Then thank you, ma’am.”

“You’re welcome.” Ji Yanan smiled. “Look, I don’t know how many ‘thank yous’ you’ve said since you arrived.”

Seeing they had made the decision, Su Hui pulled Ning Yixiao into the garden to repot the flowers. The garden was a bit hot, filled with the sounds of insects. The plants here had soaked up enough sunshine and rain, wantonly emitting the sour fragrance of grass and leaves.

Su Hui dug the soil very patiently. When the branches and leaves completely shielded them, he reached over to hold Ning Yixiao’s hand and asked very cutely, “Do you think I’m dirty?”

He had asked the same question when Ning Yixiao was dilating him, and when he was licking his fingers, but received the same answer.

“How could I?”

The rest of the sentence, Ning Yixiao never managed to say out loud: You are the cleanest and purest person in the whole world.

Ning Yixiao would subconsciously apply all flattering terms to Su Hui. For him, who had never received the favor of fate, he only felt lucky.

He held Su Hui’s soil-stained hand and felt incomparably calm instead, as if the fragrance of grass and soil could mask the fishy smell on him that couldn’t be washed away.

Su Hui finished repotting the flower, stretched like a little kitten leaning on him, and then suddenly asked without beginning or end: “What do you think of Xu Zhi?”

Ning Yixiao thought about it. “Not very clear, feels very average.”

This answer left Su Hui a bit confused; looking at it, Ning Yixiao didn’t seem to know Xu Zhi.

“I don’t like him.” Su Hui said directly.

“It shows.” Ning Yixiao smiled.

“I don’t think he truly loves my mom, but my mom doesn’t think so.” Su Hui plucked two weeds. “He is eight years younger than my mom; actually, he’s only fourteen or fifteen years older than us.”

Ning Yixiao thought about it, a bit distracted. “I always feel I’ve seen him before, but no matter how hard I think, I can’t remember.”

Su Hui frowned. “Really?”

“Maybe I remembered it wrong.” Ning Yixiao frowned. Childhood memories weren’t good for him; perhaps his brain had already formed a protective mechanism, selectively losing a lot of things.

When leaving the garden, Ning Yixiao discovered a large glass fish tank in the bushes, but now it seemed to have been planted with some flowers and plants he didn’t recognize.

Su Hui noticed his gaze, but didn’t say anything. His mother urged them to take a shower and sleep, so Su Hui took Ning Yixiao inside, showed him around his guest room, and returned to his own room to bathe.

At 10:00 PM, the whole house quieted down.

Ning Yixiao lay on the soft bed in the guest room, finding it hard to fall asleep. This room, which Su Hui’s mother called “small,” was bigger and nicer than any room he had ever lived in.

The room exuded the scent of scented candles, a floral fragrance he wasn’t familiar with. Su Hui’s scent was hidden away, making him feel uneasy, wanting to wash his hands or smoke.

But very soon, there were footsteps outside. Su Hui snuck in from the connected balcony and pushed open the glass door of his room.

The wind surged in with him; the white sheer curtains were blown up. Su Hui parted them with his hands and walked toward him barefoot. The moonlight illuminated his skin to a snowy white; the lines behind his knees, his shoulders and neck, and his backlit eyes and brows—every imperceptible detail was etched into Ning Yixiao’s memory.

Su Hui soon dove into his thin quilt, bringing the unique fragrance on his body, and hugged him.

“Why did you come over?” Ning Yixiao lowered his voice.

Su Hui leaned into his ear and whispered very softly: “I miss you so much.” His voice was trembling, his breathing unsteady, carrying obvious intoxication and confusion. He kissed Ning Yixiao’s earlobe. “What about you? Do you miss me?”

He didn’t actually need Ning Yixiao’s answer, so after asking, he pulled the quilt over their heads, leaned in, and started a very proactive, very deep kiss with Ning Yixiao, only instinctively letting go when he was about to suffocate.

Ning Yixiao asked in a low voice, “Aren’t you afraid?”

Su Hui shook his head, his face flushed pink from being suffocated. “At worst, tomorrow as soon as you leave, I’ll go find my mom and tell her you’re not my classmate, but my boyfriend.”

Ning Yixiao quickly stopped this crazy idea with words: “Too fast, let’s wait a little longer.”

Su Hui smiled, rubbing against Ning Yixiao’s nose bridge. “Are you afraid?”

Ning Yixiao wanted to say no, but he was actually terrified of losing Su Hui, because possessing him originally felt like an overly beautiful dream. He could even conclude that whether it was the previous twenty years or the next twenty years, he would never have such a good dream again.

“I don’t know,” Ning Yixiao said.

Su Hui keenly perceived the flow of negative emotions from Ning Yixiao, so he hugged him tighter. “I listen to everything you say.”

They didn’t speak for a long time, just silent, or kissing in silence.

Su Hui saw the look in Ning Yixiao’s eyes, full of confusion, and thought of how he had stared at the fish tank a few hours ago.

He spoke in a low voice. “You saw a fish tank in the garden just now, right?”

“Mm.” Ning Yixiao gazed at him tenderly.

“An uncle once sent me a very expensive ornamental fish to please my mom; I think it was called a ‘Forged Iron Butterfly Fish’.”

Su Hui described it to him based on his memory. “Just one, especially expensive, very small. Its scales looked like metal pieces, and its tail and sharp fins were lemon-yellow—very eye-catching. I liked it very much and would go to see it first thing every day after school.”

Soon, Su Hui’s eyes dimmed. “Later, I found out that this kind of fish actually has a strong gregarious consciousness and almost can’t accept life in captivity. They need the ocean, need many, many companions, not a small fish tank and some fake, imitation underwater decorations.”

“What happened later?” Ning Yixiao asked.

“It died; it only lived for a month.” Su Hui blinked quietly. “Isn’t it pitiful? Put in the wrong place, wrongly watched by people, and couldn’t swim back to the sea one last time before dying.”

Ning Yixiao knew he wasn’t talking about that beautiful butterfly fish, but himself.

He kissed Su Hui’s moist eyes very carefully and said to him, “You know what? I don’t agree with what Xu Zhi said today.”

Su Hui raised his eyes, looking at Ning Yixiao.

Ning Yixiao’s voice was deep; he told Su Hui very calmly, “Actually, you aren’t wrong. I do hate seafood, because I always feel that the fishy smell of the sea radiates from my bones, just like those fish.”

Su Hui frowned, leaned to Ning Yixiao’s neck, and refuted him in a whisper: “You smell very good.”

Ning Yixiao laughed. “Psychological effect, I guess. No matter how far I go, it seems I can’t get rid of that fishy smell. Didn’t I tell you before? The people in our hometown rely on fishing at sea for a living, like the tuna we ate today—you almost can’t catch them in our waters.”

“My mother used to help look after a fish stall for a while and would take me with her. Once, the stall owner came back from sea and said they were lucky and caught a tuna.”

“I really wanted to see what kind of fish was sold for such a high price at that time, but I didn’t see it. I just overheard the fisherman chatting with my mother, and followed along to listen, only then realizing that tuna is different from other fish. Their gill muscles have degenerated severely, and they can’t open and close them. There is only one way to get oxygen.”

Su Hui raised his head and rubbed against his chin. “What way?”

Ning Yixiao told him, “Swimming non-stop. Only in this way can they ensure that fresh water flows quickly through their gills every moment to get oxygen. So they are very tired; they haven’t been able to stop since they were born. They have to keep swimming, keep swimming, to obtain the oxygen that others get easily. Once they stop moving forward, they will suffocate to death.”

Su Hui suddenly felt a pang of soreness in his nose; he understood what Ning Yixiao wanted to say.

Ning Yixiao hugged him instead, kissing his forehead tenderly. “So I said, I don’t agree with what he said at the dinner table. On the surface, we are indeed very different; you could say completely opposite.”

“But in a sense, Su Hui, we are fellow outcasts. Growing up in the wrong environment, not wanting to be assimilated, not wanting to be deformed by pressure, so we are living very difficultly.”

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Author’s note:

This story is told in flashbacks. It’s because I’m worried it would cause reading difficulties that I used the P-chapter and N-chapter method to write it. It was arranged from the very beginning. Some past chapters are necessary to tell; it’s not to write about how beautiful their past love was—actually, the focus of the past is also on the character settings and conflicts. If I don’t write them, it will affect the plot arrangement of the present, and the character settings will become thin. If there are readers who don’t like reading P-chapters, you can actually wait until the updates reach the present before reading. It doesn’t matter. Actually, I have tried my best to compress the past plot. Overall, there is definitely more content in the present. This current segment of memories won’t be very long.