Chapter 45: P. Fleeing in Panic

Autumn arrived more unexpectedly than imagined; a blast of cold wind brought by a cold front extinguished the lingering warmth of summer.

Ginkgo leaves began to turn yellow, signaling Beijing’s entry into a long autumn. Ning Yixiao couldn’t describe the feeling; it was as if he had lived through a summer movie. Even though the curtain had already fallen, the movie’s dialogue still lingered on the black screen.

Every day spent with Su Hui was too short.

He knew that time didn’t exist in essence; it was merely a scale for measuring the movement and change of things. Perhaps it was because he feared change—feared that the burning passion would eventually fall like a parabola—that he didn’t want time to pass, wanting instead to freeze it in the present.

But the present was far from enough; he wasn’t good enough yet, and he couldn’t give Su Hui any future.

Ning Yixiao lived in contradiction day after day, working his life away, studying his life away, trying every possible way to shore up his crumbling life. He was afraid that if he stopped for even a moment, the beautiful dream he possessed would shatter, and he would return to where he started.

He couldn’t help but think of the morning he left Su Hui’s house. Although two months had passed, the words Xu Zhi had spoken remained like a dark shadow branded on his heart, impossible to shake off.

He hadn’t slept soundly that day. In a place that didn’t belong to him, his dreams were intermittent, and he woke up very early. Su Hui wasn’t by his side. Ning Yixiao got up and walked along the connecting balcony to Su Hui’s door, finding him lying on the bed, wearing headphones, writing and drawing.

Perhaps it was telepathy; Su Hui suddenly looked up, peered through the glass, and locked eyes with him.

In the dim light of dawn, the garden still slept in a milky morning mist. Su Hui, having not slept all night, jumped off the bed, ran over, and kissed Ning Yixiao through the glass.

He didn’t stay for breakfast and planned to leave on his own very early, but as he was leaving, Xu Zhi stopped him, saying he was going to work too and would give him a lift.

Ning Yixiao wanted to refuse, but taxis were hard to get there, he didn’t want Ji Yanan to arrange a driver for him, and he wanted to understand Xu Zhi’s underlying motives for his veiled barbs. So, he agreed.

But what he didn’t expect was that the first thing Xu Zhi said after they got in the car was—

“You’re Qin Yue’s son, right?”

Sitting in the passenger seat, Ning Yixiao displayed a composure far beyond his years. He looked at Xu Zhi without speaking.

Xu Zhi smiled, turned the steering wheel to drive out of the Ji family villa, and told him not to be nervous; he was just asking.

Ning Yixiao was expressionless. “Why ask that?”

Xu Zhi glanced at the traffic light and then turned his head. “You look exactly like your mother.”

Ning Yixiao looked away, falling silent.

Xu Zhi stared at him, asking once more, “Really don’t remember me?”

Ning Yixiao shook his head.

“I thought your mother would have mentioned me to you.” Xu Zhi looked away, his tone more relaxed than before. “Actually, come to think of it, you must have seen me when you were little, but you were only a year or two old then; you’ve probably forgotten.”

The corners of Xu Zhi’s mouth curled up, but his brows remained still. Observing Ning Yixiao’s expression from time to time, he continued: “I was sixteen then, and I even held you. The mole at the corner of your eye is very recognizable.”

Ning Yixiao had almost no memory of this. He tried to search his mind but could only find vague fragments—he seemed to dimly remember his mother holding him, facing someone, telling him to learn to call him “Uncle.” But as to whether that person was Xu Zhi, he had no way of knowing.

Xu Zhi seemed intent on reminiscing. During the half-hour drive, he spoke intermittently about many things from the past.

“I owe your mother a debt of gratitude for where I am today,” Xu Zhi smiled. “Don’t misunderstand, I’m sincere. If she hadn’t helped me back then, I might have jumped into the sea and killed myself long ago. I know that she was barely getting by herself at the time; your father never came back, and your mother-in-law was difficult and refused to acknowledge her. It wasn’t easy for a woman to make a living there.”

He looked at Ning Yixiao with a hint of appraisal in his eyes. “Qin Yue was so thin back then that she didn’t even have enough breast milk, and you were thin too. I didn’t expect you to grow this tall now.”

“I lived in your house for half a year. Qin Yue treated me like a younger brother, but later I asked her to leave with me, and she didn’t agree.”

The traffic light turned red. Xu Zhi rubbed his temples. His tone lacked any discernible emotion, and Ning Yixiao didn’t want to decipher it either.

“How is your mother now?” Xu Zhi changed the subject, giving up on nostalgia.

Ning Yixiao was silent for a full minute before answering, “I don’t know.”

He wasn’t lying, nor was he too lazy to care—it was the truth. His mother had disappeared several years ago and hadn’t contacted him once since.

Xu Zhi didn’t press further, but instead smiled. “When I saw you, I thought Qin Yue’s hard days were finally over. She had a truly bitter fate, and she was truly stubborn. If she hadn’t been fixated on waiting for your father, she wouldn’t have ended up like that.”

Although Ning Yixiao harbored resentment toward her, he didn’t want to hear a stranger casually critiquing his mother, so he stopped talking, listening quietly until they arrived at his destination, at which point he got out of the car.

Xu Zhi glanced at the office building, lowered the window, and gave Ning Yixiao a kind smile as he said goodbye.

Ning Yixiao still remembered Xu Zhi’s manner when he spoke; it didn’t seem like he was simply sharing—it felt more like he was probing.

At first, he thought Xu Zhi had noticed the ambiguity between him and Su Hui, but after the conversation in the car, he realized the focus didn’t seem to be on Su Hui, but on his mother—or rather, Xu Zhi’s past.

Ning Yixiao wanted to know what had happened between them, but in these two months, he still couldn’t reach his mother.

So, on this windy night, after parting from Su Hui, Ning Yixiao inserted his old SIM card once again, opened it, and scrolled up through a mountain of debt-collection threat texts until he finally found the last message his mother had sent before the high school entrance exams.

[Mom: It’s time for your exams, don’t eat anything random. Mom even went to the temple in town yesterday to burn incense for you, praying for your safety and success, and that you get into your favorite high school. Don’t be nervous, take care of yourself.]

Ning Yixiao wanted to know what state of mind she was in when she sent this, only to disappear completely with that damned stepfather.

Ning Yixiao would never know any of this, just as he would never know where his biological father was now, or if he even knew of his existence.

Following the debt collectors’ demands, Ning Yixiao used most of his summer internship salary to fill the holes, leaving very little—barely enough to survive.

Su Hui had offered to help him pay off his debts more than once, but Ning Yixiao never agreed. He didn’t know what that would be—letting Su Hui share the misery of his life? He couldn’t do it.

Su Hui’s life was no better than his own; Ning Yixiao knew this better than anyone. He didn’t want to add even the slightest burden to his already chaotic and fragile life.

It was just like walking on the sidewalk on campus beside him—even if just a single leaf fell on Su Hui’s shoulder, Ning Yixiao would gently pick it off for him.

But love itself had weight, too.

On the last day of the National Day holiday, Su Hui wanted to accompany Ning Yixiao to see a doctor because he had noticed a series of subtle symptoms, such as an obsessive need for cleanliness and frequent hand-washing. Fearing it would affect him, Su Hui researched it secretly, called his former psychologist for a consultation, and booked an appointment.

But right after breakfast, Ji Tailü informed him that he had arranged an important guest for lunch and told him to get ready and go out with him.

Su Hui didn’t agree, but this household never listened to his wishes.

When his grandfather said his grandmother was going too, Su Hui had nothing more to say, though he warned them in advance that he had to leave by two o’clock at the latest for an urgent matter.

Except for Ji Yanan, who was away on business, everyone was there, including Xu Zhi.

What Su Hui didn’t expect was that upon entering the private dining room with his grandfather, he realized the “important guest” was a girl about his age. According to his grandfather, they were not only the same age, but their family backgrounds and educational qualifications were also remarkably similar.

Xu Zhi smiled and maneuvered between them, arranging for the girl to change seats and sit next to Su Hui, praising them as “a perfect match.”

Su Hui felt suffocated and wanted to stand up and slam the door several times. He didn’t catch a single word of their pleasantries, and when the girl sitting beside him introduced herself, he had completely zoned out.

Perhaps her parents noticed something, as they smiled and said, “It’s fine, just think of it as making a friend. Young people’s social circles are too narrow these days; our Xiaoya rarely goes out. Actually, if I say so, given the relationship between our two families, you could consider yourselves childhood sweethearts, just not very close.”

Su Hui felt nauseous and drank tea to suppress it.

By the time the meal was mostly over, Xu Zhi suggested that they leave first and let Su Hui take Xiaoya to a café downstairs.

Su Hui didn’t agree. “I have something to do; I told you all earlier.”

Ji Tailü was about to explode on the spot. “What urgent business could you have? Take your sister around a bit, you don’t have a shred of gentlemanly manners.”

“It’s okay.” The girl nearby was a bit frightened by the scene. “No rush, there will be opportunities in the future…”

Su Hui didn’t want to give her false expectations, so he agreed, took her downstairs, and arrived at the café on the hotel’s first floor.

However, he only ordered coffee for her.

This girl named “Xiaoya” was clearly interested in him—it was evident from her demeanor—so Su Hui wanted even less to delay her.

After the waiter left, he got straight to the point. “I’m very sorry, today’s situation was beyond my expectations. I didn’t expect this meal to actually be a blind date arranged by our parents.”

Xiaoya was a bit embarrassed. “It’s okay, actually… I think you’re quite good, maybe today was just a bit rushed…”

Su Hui interrupted her softly. “They probably didn’t tell you, but I have a severe mental illness: bipolar disorder. I’ve had it for over six years. It’s not guaranteed that I’ll be cured, and even if I am, there’s no guarantee it won’t recur.”

His speech speeded up, as if he weren’t describing himself but a stranger. “When I have a manic episode, I can’t control my emotions. For example, during lunch, I would make the atmosphere very tense, stay up all night, feel hyper-excited, make impulsive purchases, have racing thoughts, and talk incessantly like a madman.”

The girl’s eyes clearly showed withdrawal.

“That’s not all. During a depressive episode, I can’t even get out of bed, don’t want to say a single word, and have serious suicidal tendencies—I still have scars on my body to this day.”

Su Hui smiled, looking nonchalant. His pathological honesty seemed to make him look even more charming, but his beautiful face clearly signaled: I am very dangerous.

Xiaoya was silent for a moment, looking lost. “Why are you telling me this?”

“They lied to you, but I don’t want to. This illness is deeply harmful to others.” Su Hui took a cigarette from his pocket and put it in his mouth. He looked up, realized smoking wasn’t allowed here, took it off, and held it between his fingers, the filter gently tapping the tabletop.

If he wasn’t afraid of implicating Ning Yixiao, he would have directly confessed that he was a complete homosexual who could only love one person.

“Besides, I have someone I like,” Su Hui smiled like a child. “I can’t possibly separate from him.”

After saying this, he stood up. “I’ve said my piece, I’m going.”

Just as he turned, he heard her ask in the background—in a voice that was neither heavy nor light—Then wouldn’t your illness hurt the person you like?

Su Hui’s footsteps paused. He had originally wanted to turn around and debate her, to tell her that the person he loved was wonderful and very strong, and he wasn’t afraid.

But for some reason, he didn’t do it. He just walked away, looking very much like he was fleeing in a panic.

Sitting in a taxi headed to the hospital, Su Hui’s phone rang incessantly—it was his grandfather calling. He turned it off directly. His mind was in a mess, a bit distracted, and for no reason, he thought of a day during the summer.

At the time, he was spending the weekend in the rented room where Ning Yixiao lived. Ning Yixiao had been temporarily assigned work by a professor, and since he hadn’t brought his computer, he had to borrow Ning Yixiao’s.

While looking for information, Su Hui opened the browser and clicked the search box.

He didn’t expect to see previous search history appear below.

[How to get along with bipolar patients?

How to take care of a bipolar patient?

How should a lover behave with a bipolar patient?

How to make a bipolar patient happy?

What are the taboos when dating a bipolar patient?

What do bipolar patients need?]

He ignored those calmly, searched for the paper he needed, finished his work, returned the computer to Ning Yixiao, and intentionally left a new document open, which contained only one sentence.

[Patient Su Hui needs Ning Yixiao’s love.]

The driver was driving very fast, and in a moment, he woke up the stunned Su Hui.

Fortunately, he didn’t miss his appointment. At the hospital entrance, he saw Ning Yixiao waiting, standing quietly like the only fir tree standing in a clear-cut forest, left all alone.

Su Hui felt sad for no reason, but he pretended to be happy as he ran over, ignoring the gazes of others, and hugged him—though the hug lasted only a few short seconds.

Ning Yixiao gave a faint smile, held Su Hui’s fingertips, and went up with him.

During the consultation, Su Hui, waiting outside, seemed even more nervous than Ning Yixiao. He could even hear his own heartbeat thumping against his chest.

He desperately hoped that when Ning Yixiao came out, the doctor would tell him that he was overthinking, and that Ning Yixiao was actually just fine.

In the waiting hall, rows of chairs were filled with people. Sitting next to Su Hui was a young couple, who looked about his age. They were playing with a toy—a dinosaur that ate beans—and when the boy fiddled with it, the colorful beans scattered all over the floor.

Su Hui bent over to help them pick up many of them. The two kept thanking him, and Su Hui smiled and told them not to mention it.

They were very cheerful and soon introduced themselves: the boy was Yu Jie, and the girl was Lily. By coincidence, Lily also suffered from bipolar disorder, just like Su Hui.

Perhaps because they shared the same illness, they talked a bit more. From their words and actions, they were a couple deeply in love, their eyes never leaving each other, their hands always tightly held. Watching them, Su Hui felt a very definite sense of happiness.

“We plan to get married in two years,” Lily said very excitedly. “After Xiao Jie gets his driver’s license, we’re going to travel for our wedding photos. Do you know about travel photography?”

Su Hui nodded. “I also really want to travel, to see the whole world.”

“Go, go,” Lily laughed, revealing two dimples. “You can come with us.”

Su Hui looked at her as if looking at himself during a manic phase, so he just smiled and didn’t discourage her enthusiasm. “If there’s a chance, I’d be very happy to.”

Yu Jie asked again, “Then who are you accompanying for a check-up? You should be waiting for someone.”

Su Hui didn’t hesitate, smiling as he said, “I’m accompanying my boyfriend.”

Because they were strangers who wouldn’t cross paths again, Su Hui could reveal the secret he most wanted the whole world to know without any burden.

This pair of chance-met young lovers became the only witnesses to this relationship so far.

After chatting for a while, Ning Yixiao came out. Su Hui noticed him immediately, said goodbye to the two, walked to Ning Yixiao’s side, and asked about his condition.

Leaving the hospital, they went straight back to school. Ning Yixiao said he wanted to read some papers, so Su Hui accompanied him to the library. Since it was the holidays, there were very few people in the library, and they went directly to the floor with the fewest. Su Hui found a blind spot with no surveillance cameras, took him there, and while Ning Yixiao read his papers, he borrowed a book, sat next to him, and read quietly.

Just as Ning Yixiao was engrossed in studying a model in his paper, a book suddenly appeared before his eyes, blocking the computer screen and his face.

The next second, Su Hui leaned in and blew a breath into Ning Yixiao’s ear. Just as Ning Yixiao turned his face for it, Su Hui kissed him.

He kissed deeply, the metallic tongue piercing clinking against Ning Yixiao’s teeth, the soft tip of his tongue probing in, intertwining with Ning Yixiao’s, as if he didn’t want to part, desperately inhaling the hot steam he breathed out, lips and teeth clinging together.

A minute later, Su Hui’s chest heaved violently as he ended the kiss, panting. His eyes were moist as he looked at Ning Yixiao’s startled, desire-tainted face, revealing a sly smile, and pointed out a certain part of the book to him.

Ning Yixiao looked over; the line described a scene where the hero and heroine were kissing passionately in the heavy snow.

Su Hui bragged shamelessly, “It’s beautifully written, isn’t it? I wanted to learn, so I did it.”

After finishing, he looked at Ning Yixiao, like a kitten that didn’t know better, testing his master’s bottom line repeatedly with his actions. “Are you angry?”

Ning Yixiao frowned. How could he be angry with him?

It was just that Su Hui seemed a bit strange today, as if he were in desperate need of reassurance—like being favored.

“You aren’t angry, right?” Su Hui leaned in, staring into his eyes, his lips still glistening with ambiguous moisture. He lowered his voice and whispered, “I love kissing like this so much.”

Under the table, Su Hui’s toes rested against Ning Yixiao’s ankle.

“Can we do it again?”

Ning Yixiao curled his lips, but didn’t come over to kiss him; instead, he pulled Su Hui into his arms and gave him a full, tight embrace.

“Are you in a bad mood?”

His large palm rubbed Su Hui’s hair, and he kissed his forehead.

In the silent library corner, this comforting embrace lasted for ten seconds. Ning Yixiao easily saw through the anxiety Su Hui was masking with desire.

“Let’s not read anymore. Come home with me.”