TMWTGD CH67

Xie Jianwei was comforting Lu Li.

Yet Lu Li’s mind was in utter turmoil.

Nothing would change; could that truly be so? Once Lu Yan woke up and entered their lives, would Xie Jianwei truly still choose him?

Or perhaps nothing had changed indeed. Xie Jianwei loved Lu Yan, and from start to finish, that fact had never changed.

Over those three days, Lu Yan’s condition was very unstable, and Lu Li and Xie Jianwei were unable to see him.

Having slept for so many years, even after regaining consciousness, he needed time to adjust. The doctors worked hard on his treatment, and during this period, Xie Jianwei and Lu Li certainly could not disturb him.

Xie Jianwei put on an appropriately anxious front, but was secretly observing Lu Li the entire time.

No matter how Lu Li tried to hide it, he could not conceal the despondency in his eyes.

He cared deeply about Lu Yan, his own brother of flesh and blood.

Unlike that earlier dream where brothers turned against each other in blood feud, in this dream, perhaps due to the world’s premise, he and Lu Yan had grown up relying on each other for survival. He had taken great care of this younger brother, and their bond was undeniably profound.

So with Lu Yan waking up, he was genuinely happy.

On the other hand, he was unhappy, because Lu Yan waking up meant he was very likely to lose Xie Jianwei.

This unhappiness soon mutated into crushing self-reproach.

How could he be so dark? Just because Xie Jianwei loved Lu Yan, did he actually wish his only brother would never wake up?

He wanted Lu Yan to live a long life, yet buried within his deepest thoughts was a selfish monster.

That monster even whispered temptations: If Lu Yan didn’t exist, if Lu Yan had never existed at all, would Xie Jianwei belong entirely to him?

He could not think like that. It was wrong.

Lu Li’s thoughts circled endlessly in this hopeless vortex. In the final analysis, there was only one root cause–a profound lack of self-confidence and security.

Xie Jianwei could see right through what he was thinking.

He was not surprised at all. After all, in reality, Lu Li was already contemplating killing off his other personalities.

He simply felt deep heartache for him. How could he ever make him understand that he belonged to him, and wanted only to belong to him?

Perhaps until his split-personality disorder was completely cured, he would never truly believe it.

Lu Li spent those three days in complete disarray. First, jet lag battered him mercilessly, and on top of that, the immense mental strain triggered nightmares whenever he closed his eyes. Waking up to see the person in his arms brought no comfort either; no matter how tightly he held him, it all felt futile.

When the doctor finally notified them that they could visit Lu Yan, Lu Li breathed a genuine sigh of relief: what was bound to come would come.

The doctor advised them, “Although the patient has regained consciousness, his mind may still be somewhat confused. Try your best not to agitate him. Mention things that make him happy, and strive to aid his recovery.”

Lu Li responded, “Understood.”

After outlining several other precautions, the doctor finally let them in.

Xie Jianwei finally met Lu Yan.

He had several hypotheses regarding Lu Yan’s identity.

One was that he was another Lu Li; another was that he was “it.”

Yet upon seeing him, he quickly deduced that this was neither Lu Li nor “it.”

He was merely an ordinary construct within the dream world, the younger brother born of Lu Li’s imagination.

Much like the younger sister in that first dream.

This was actually quite fortunate. If Lu Yan were another Lu Li, the difficulty of soothing the primary personality Lu Li would skyrocket. If Lu Yan were “it,” that would be troublesome as well; being his brother in this dream, eliminating him would require complicated detours and extra effort.

An ordinary persona made things far easier to manage.

Yet since Lu Yan, the lingering cinnabar mole in Xie Jianwei’s supposed heart, had been summoned onto the stage, the schemer stirring up trouble would not let things rest.

Lu Yan looked exceedingly frail. Turning his head toward the visitors, he paused for a moment before speaking in a very faint voice, “Brother.”

Lu Li asked him, “How are you feeling?”

Lu Yan stared blankly for a second before saying slowly, “Alright… but there are many things I can’t remember.”

Lu Li said, “Don’t rush. The important thing is that you woke up; everything else can be taken slowly.”

Lu Yan furrowed his brows very slightly, asking in bewilderment, “Where is Xiao Rou?”

Hearing that question, both Lu Li and Xie Jianwei felt their hearts tighten.

Xie Rou was dead.

Could Lu Yan have… forgotten?

Lu Yan’s already bloodless face grew even paler. His lips trembled, his voice quivering rapidly: “Xiao Rou was with me. She… she…”

The doctor’s advice immediately rang in their ears: Do not agitate him, mention things that make him happy… Making a split-second decision, Lu Li said, “Don’t panic. Xie Rou is fine; her injuries were far lighter than yours.”

“She’s fine?” Lu Yan looked at Lu Li with complete trust.

Lu Li nodded. “She’s fine.”

Lu Yan let out an audible sigh of relief, his agitation settling as a faint smile touched the corners of his lips: “I miss her…”

He genuinely loved Xie Rou. Seeing this, Xie Jianwei breathed a sigh of relief.

It was about time to say something. Stepping forward, Xie Jianwei called softly, “Yan ge.”

Only now did Lu Yan seem to notice him. He froze for a second, but then immense joy flashed across his eyes: “Xiao Rou, you really are alright!”

Xie Jianwei was rendered speechless.

Lu Yan’s eyes were filled with affection, staring unblinkingly at Xie Jianwei as though engraving his features into his heart: “Wonderful, Xiao Rou… wonderful, you’re unharmed.”

He had mistaken Xie Jianwei for Xie Rou!

Xie Jianwei felt a chill run through him. Looking up at Lu Li, sure enough, he met Lu Li’s rigid expression.

Xie Jianwei wanted to explain immediately: “Yan ge, I…”

Unexpectedly, Lu Li spoke up first: “See, I didn’t lie to you. Xiao Rou is right here, safe and sound.”

“Yes.” Lu Yan was overjoyed, reaching out a hand as if wanting to touch Xie Jianwei. “As long as she is fine, my heart is at peace.”

Xie Jianwei parted his lips, but Lu Li shot him a meaningful look.

He understood the logic.

Lu Yan was in a fragile state right now; he could not be allowed to learn of Xie Rou’s death. If that reality were exposed, Lu Yan would lose all will to live in an instant.

If he said right now that he was Xie Jianwei rather than Xie Rou, Lu Yan would inevitably ask where Xie Rou was.

Xie Rou was his wife; he had just awakened from a coma, so why hadn’t she come to see him?

There was no way to explain it without opening gaping plot holes.

Fortunately, Lu Yan had mistaken Xie Jianwei for Xie Rou.

By all reason, Xie Jianwei had to play along.

Lu Yan was Lu Li’s brother and someone Xie Jianwei had admired; he could not stand by and watch him die.

However, think of how much torment Lu Li would suffer!

Regardless of whose wild imagination conjured this setting, it was vast enough to swallow the world!

Xie Jianwei could only keep his composure and temporarily pretend to be Xie Rou.

He spoke gently, “Yan ge, I am fine. Focus on nursing your health.”

Lu Yan’s eyes were fixed entirely on him: “Alright.”

Xie Jianwei offered a strained smile. “Would you like some water?”

Lu Yan shook his head. “No need. Come sit by me and talk with me.”

Xie Jianwei glanced at Lu Li with concern.

Lu Li said, “I will step outside for a bit. Don’t chat too long, remember to rest.”

Lu Yan smiled warmly. “I’m fine. Just seeing Xiao Rou makes me feel full of strength.”

Xie Jianwei forced a smile.

Lu Li gave a quiet acknowledgment and turned to leave.

From start to finish, he did not dare cast a single glance at Xie Jianwei.

How could he look? What kind of expression would he see on his face?

Just contemplating it brought overwhelming dread; how could he dare?

Lu Li stood outside the hospital room. The late autumn air already carried a biting chill, blowing through the freezing corridor and wrapping around his chest.

Xie Jianwei did not talk much with Lu Yan. With his depleted energy, chatting for just a few sentences had his eyelids drooping.

Xie Jianwei murmured softly, “Yan ge, get some rest.”

Holding his hand, Lu Yan said, “Alright.”

Xie Jianwei tried to pull his hand back.

Yet Lu Yan held on tightly, whispering softly, “Don’t go… stay by my side.”

Xie Jianwei had no words.

Lu Li walked back in after a moment, spotting at a glance the sleeping Lu Yan and their tightly clasped hands.

In a daze, he felt thrown back to not long ago, when he was wounded and Xie Jianwei stayed in the room to keep him company, lying on two adjacent hospital beds holding hands just like this.

So little time had passed, seemingly in the blink of an eye, yet that hand was now clasped by someone else.

The horrifying part was that he lacked even the standing to fight for it. More terrifying still was Xie Jianwei’s state of mind.

He must be overjoyed, right? Fulfilling a long-cherished wish of so many years, is he so happy that he never wants to let go?

It must feel entirely different, holding his hand versus holding Lu Yan’s hand; entirely different, right?

Averting his gaze stiffly, Lu Li said to Xie Jianwei, “I spoke with the doctor. He recommends following A-Yan’s inclinations. Since he views you as Xie Rou, you should…” In truth, there was no need for him to say this; Xie Jianwei desired Lu Yan’s recovery even more than he did.

Finally pulling his hand free, Xie Jianwei stood up and said, “Let us speak outside.”

Lu Li said, “Alright.” He is probably afraid of waking Lu Yan and having him overhear, right? Indeed, Xie Jianwei cares for Lu Yan more than I do.

Fine, prickling pain coursed through Lu Li’s entire body. It was not sharp, but felt as if he were being used as a whetstone: a blunt blade hacking into flesh, not cutting off breath instantly, yet inflicting protracted, ceaseless torment.

Standing outside, Xie Jianwei said, “Yan ge is only mistaking me for my sister.”

Lu Li said, “Mm.”

Xie Jianwei added, “This is only temporary. Once his condition stabilizes, he will be able to tell the difference even without me saying anything.”

“Yes.”

He squeezed out words one by one. Xie Jianwei didn’t dare say too much either, only venturing tactfully, “Our… our previous promise…”

Before he could finish, Lu Li cut him off: “No need to say more. I understand clearly.”

Xie Jianwei: “…” What do you understand, Big Li? You only understand how to torture yourself! Sadly, he didn’t dare speak too bluntly, fearing the dream world might collapse. After all, Lu Li was currently convinced to his core that he loved Lu Yan.

Lu Li took a deep breath. “Let us leave it at this for now. We can discuss the future later.”

Not daring to push him too hard, Xie Jianwei could only nod: “Let everything wait until Yan ge‘s condition stabilizes.”

These were perfectly ordinary words, yet inside Lu Li’s head, every syllable was translated into a different language, torturing himself to pieces.

Xie Jianwei had no choice but to say no more, lest his wild overthinking prompt the dream to undergo another three rounds of revisions.

Over the next few days, Xie Jianwei cared for Lu Yan continuously.

Lu Yan spent little time awake each day, an hour or two in fragmented bursts. Yet whenever he opened his eyes, he had to see “Xie Rou”; if he didn’t, panic seized him.

The doctor had no choice but to suggest that Xie Jianwei sleep in the hospital room.

This drove the dagger deeper into Lu Li’s heart. The sweetness that had once belonged to him had turned into someone else’s in an instant. This eerily similar setup prompted endless memories. How blissful the past had felt was how cruel the present became.

If today was fated to arrive, why grant him such wonderful memories in the first place?

A week later, Lu Li was forced to return to Country Z. Although he could handle most matters remotely from Country M, certain affairs required face-to-face resolution. Furthermore, lingering abroad would tempt certain factions into making reckless moves.

Yet Lu Yan could not be discharged, let alone endure over ten hours of travel on a flight.

Lu Yan needed care, and the only person who could provide it was Xie Jianwei.

Lu Yan even took the initiative to suggest: “Brother, head back first. You can’t leave so many affairs unattended indefinitely. It’s enough to have Xiao Rou here.”

Lu Li was rendered speechless.

Xie Jianwei could only echo: “Yes… Li ge, go back first. It’s enough to have me here.”

Lu Yan turned toward “her,” smiling with deep affection.

Xie Jianwei had no choice but to curl his lips along with him.

Lu Li didn’t even know how he found his voice: “I’m leaving then.” Dropping those words, he turned and walked away.

The plane ticket had been booked long ago for the earliest flight. Lu Li boarded without looking back, yet once the plane took off, regret nearly drove him insane.

He couldn’t imagine, couldn’t bear to imagine what scene was unfolding in the hospital right now.

Xie Jianwei finally got what he desired, didn’t he?

The person he loved looked at him with that gaze, spoke to him with that voice, relying on him and yearning for him like that.

Was he so ecstatic that he lost all sense of self? Had he even forgotten that he was Xie Jianwei!

Lu Li’s mind was consumed by visions of Lu Yan and Xie Jianwei together, of Xie Jianwei’s curved eyes and blissful smiles, of his infatuation and obsession with Lu Yan.

After a flight of over ten hours, Lu Li’s footing swayed when he stepped off the plane.

He hadn’t eaten, drank, or slept; he hadn’t even shifted position.

After remaining rigid for so long, being able to stand at all was a miracle.

Upon returning to the country, an avalanche of business rushed in. Lu Li forced himself to stay calm, using work to divert his attention while constantly reassuring himself: It’s fine… it really is fine. Once Lu Yan recovers, Xie Jianwei will return to my side.

Yet immediately after, he couldn’t help wondering: Can he truly return? Will he still come back? After an experience like this, will he ever look at me again?

If Xie Jianwei truly stays with Lu Yan…

Lu Li’s pupils contracted. He couldn’t imagine it. Piercing agony corroded every nerve, gnawing away at his reason. He would tear them apart. He definitely would. He would commit acts that could never be undone.

I can’t do this… Lu Li looked down at his trembling hands, seemingly seeing a sea of blood.

Three days after returning, Lu Li hadn’t closed his eyes once. His assistant couldn’t resist urging, “Sir, you need to rest.”

Lu Li simply couldn’t sleep. Falling asleep felt like stepping into an alternate realm, one where only Xie Jianwei and Lu Yan existed, holding each other in devotion.

He could not allow himself to be devoured by such delusions; he could not do anything to harm them.

One was the person he loved, the other was his own kin; he could not do anything!

Lu Li worked day and night until Xie Jianwei called him.

Xie Jianwei had called him earlier, but every time the assistant picked up, offering the same excuses: “Sir is in a meeting, Sir is negotiating with partners, Sir is…” In short, endlessly busy. Promised callbacks never materialized.

Xie Jianwei had no choice but to call repeatedly, finally connecting.

Hearing Xie Jianwei’s voice, though thousands of miles separated them, it could not compare to the distance between their hearts.

“How is A-Yan?”

Xie Jianwei said, “Doing well.”

Lu Li said, “Take good care of him.”

Xie Jianwei said, “I will.”

Within four sentences, they fell into an excruciating silence. Lu Li had thousands of words, yet could not voice a single one.

Xie Jianwei wanted to say I love you ten thousand times, yet dared not say it even once. In Lu Li’s current state, uttering that confession would probably make him wake up on the spot.

After the silence, Lu Li spoke first: “If there’s nothing else, I’ll hang up.”

Xie Jianwei could only ask, “Are you not planning to come to Country M?”

Lu Li said, “There is no point in me going. It is enough that you are there.”

Xie Jianwei stayed quiet for a moment, ultimately not daring to speak the words I miss you.

Lu Li exhaled softly: “Let us leave it at that. I’m hanging up.”

With that, giving Xie Jianwei no chance to speak, he disconnected the call.

After hanging up, he listened to the recording repeatedly, playing Xie Jianwei’s voice over and over, listening to those few inconsequential phrases.

What could he glean? Hear that he was happy, or hear his delight?

He probably doesn’t want me in Country M, right? That is why he asked.

Yet he missed him; he missed him terribly.

Lu Li closed his eyes and leaned back, slumping wearily against the wide backrest of his chair.

He finally slept, drifting into a hazy slumber to the sound of Xie Jianwei’s voice.

Upon waking, Lu Li could endure it no longer. He wanted to see Xie Jianwei. He needed to see him, even just a glimpse from afar.

Lu Li dialed his assistant’s number: “Arrange a private jet to Country M.”

The assistant paused: “Right now?”

Lu Li: “Immediately.”

He flew back to Country M and went to the hospital, telling no one.

Lu Yan was recovering swiftly, already able to step outside for walks.

Xie Jianwei supported him, the two walking shoulder to shoulder, leaning against each other like an affectionate pair of lovers.

Lu Li didn’t know what he had come here for. Seeing such a scene, what could it bring aside from deeper anguish?

The terrifying prospect was that he might have to witness scenes like this every single day in the future.

What if Lu Yan could never distinguish between Xie Jianwei and Xie Rou?

Would Xie Jianwei willingly spend the rest of his life being Xie Rou?

Putting himself in his shoes, Lu Li felt he would be willing.

If Xie Jianwei mistook him for Lu Yan, he would rather be Lu Yan for a lifetime; at least in that lifetime he would possess Xie Jianwei and win his love.

So Xie Jianwei would surely be willing too.

Being with one’s beloved, what did it matter if one took on another identity? At least he had him, didn’t he? Not only his person, but his heart.

That was something Lu Li had dreamed of having.

Lu Li sought out the physician to inquire about Lu Yan’s condition.

The doctor said, “Everything is proceeding smoothly. If you wish to return to your home country for recuperation, arrangements can be made next month.”

This was good news, yet Lu Li could not summon any joy. Even across half the globe, he could not stop himself from coming to look; if this happened right under his nose, how would he…

Lu Li dared not pursue that line of thought. He pressed on: “He keeps mistaking Xie Jianwei for his wife. What about this…”

The doctor looked troubled as well: “His wife passed away, correct?”

Lu Li nodded: “Yes.”

The doctor explained, “I believe Lu Yan knows in his subconscious that his wife has passed away. After all, they were together when the incident occurred. He simply refuses to accept this reality, deceiving himself subconsciously. Coupled with seeing someone who closely resembles his wife the moment he woke, it created a psychological defense mechanism. He convinces himself this is his wife, convinced she isn’t dead. Perhaps only this gives him the will to stay awake.”

Lu Li fought to steady his voice: “Could it be that he will… never be able to tell the difference?”

The doctor replied, “Once he can accept his wife’s passing, he… should clear his mind.”

Lu Li knew asking was futile, yet still couldn’t resist: “Roughly how long will that take?”

“That is hard to say,” the doctor consoled him. “It could take a few months, or perhaps… several decades.”

Several decades… Lu Li’s head buzzed. Taking a deep breath, he said, “I understand.”

The doctor added, “This depends largely on Mr. Xie. If he can no longer cooperate with the facade, Lu Yan might snap awake sooner.”

Would Xie Jianwei ever refuse to cooperate?

Lu Li always projected his own thoughts onto Xie Jianwei. If Xie Jianwei mistook him for Lu Yan, he would play along forever, endlessly, until Xie Jianwei could never tell who was Lu Li and who was Lu Yan.

Who was without selfish desire? Faced with the person one loved deeply, who wouldn’t seize such an opportunity?

After watching Xie Jianwei from afar, Lu Li flew back to Country Z.

Afterward, he flew to Country M from time to time, never revealing himself, merely watching him in secret.

Xie Jianwei finally reached the day of returning home.

In truth, Lu Yan was a genuinely fine person, perhaps exceptionally so.

He possessed a gentle temperament, refined speech, and vast erudition; more importantly, he was devoted to his wife with absolute fidelity.

Watching him, Xie Jianwei often felt that this was probably what Lu Li wished he could be.  Cultivated, elegant, and gentle. Perhaps in Lu Li’s eyes, only such a man was worthy of Xie Jianwei.

Yet in reality, Military Advisor Xie loved his rough-around-the-edges Marshal, harboring zero desire for a refined intellectual confidant.

When he was with Lu Li, he loved shooting the breeze. What was the point of discussing academia? Bluntly speaking, throughout the entire Milky Way, anyone qualified to talk shop with him on that level would have to be addressed as grandfather!

By that logic, was he supposed to fall in love with grandfathers?

No, he loved Lu Li. Loving someone didn’t require identical tastes; complementary contrasts were an immense joy in themselves.

He loved Lu Li’s raw drive, loved those dark eyes blazing with fire, and loved most of all the way Lu Li treasured him wholeheartedly.

How could he ever fail to love this Lu Li who thought only of him and shielded him with unyielding devotion?

Yet Lu Li remained utterly oblivious.

Sigh…

Xie Jianwei only wanted to return home swiftly, catch the man, and put on a proper show to resolve the current impasse.

Lu Li spent his days in torment, but wasn’t Xie Jianwei suffering just as much? Thinking of his husband’s boundless imagination and maxed-out self-torture skills, his heart ached uncontrollably.

At last, the doctor approved their return for home recuperation.

Xie Jianwei packed briskly, wishing he could teleport straight to Lu Li’s side.

After landing, Lu Li came in person to pick them up. Having been apart for so long, Xie Jianwei desperately wanted to kiss him, yet Lu Li wouldn’t even look his way.

Xie Jianwei: “…” I will endure it. I must follow his train of thought to play out this scene first.

Lu Yan fell asleep, remaining unconscious even after arriving at the villa.

Lu Li couldn’t resist asking, “Is A-Yan alright?”

Xie Jianwei said, “He fatigues easily. This requires slow recuperation. With more rehabilitation, he will gradually recover.”

Lu Li finally looked at him: “Thank you for your hard work all this time.”

Xie Jianwei wanted to say, If you think I had it hard, why aren’t you hugging me already? Yet he could only reply calmly, “It was nothing.”

Lu Li’s question had been insincere from the start. How could he consider it hard work? If he could take care of Xie Jianwei for a lifetime, he would never find it hard, only joyous.

Ache washed over him as Lu Li said, “You two stay here.”

Xie Jianwei asked, “What about you?”

Lu Li said, “I will stay elsewhere.”

“Why not live together…”

Lu Li smiled faintly: “Do you truly want me to stay?”

Xie Jianwei said, “Didn’t we previously…”

Before he finished, Lu Li cut in: “Show me some consideration.”

Xie Jianwei parted his lips, and Lu Li added with an overdose of dramatic flair: “Every word out of A-Yan’s mouth is Xiao Rou. It… hurts to hear.”

Right; Xie Jianwei had nearly forgotten the false premise that Lu Li supposedly loved Xie Rou.

Xie Jianwei could only say, “I’m sorry.”

Looking away, Lu Li said, “Let us leave it at that. I will visit you tomorrow.”

Xie Jianwei let him off the hook for now; this matter required groundwork and brewing.

To resolve this dilemma, the only correct approach was to follow the narrative rules.

First, Xie Jianwei had to “love” Lu Yan to align with Big Li’s bizarre logic. Then, under the premise of that love, he would stir things up, utilizing Lu Li to help Lu Yan realize who the person before him truly was.

How to execute it? Quite simple, really.

Who said Xie Jianwei was happy? Could anyone be happy playing a stand-in? Daily watching the person one deeply loved calling out another’s name, and that person being one’s own sister, an ordinary human would be heartbroken to the point of tearing apart.

After all, not everyone possessed Big Li’s ironclad resistance to torment.

The next day, Lu Li joined them for dinner.

Lu Yan suddenly remarked, “Where has Xiao Wei gone lately? I haven’t seen him at all.”

Exchanging a glance with Xie Jianwei, Lu Li said calmly, “He is studying abroad and it is inconvenient to return. He will visit you after some time.”

Lu Yan still cared deeply for Xie Jianwei: “Has he been doing well over these years?”

Xie Jianwei chimed in, “With us taking care of him, what is there to worry about?”

“True.” Lu Yan smiled, “Brother has always treated Xiao Wei very well.”

Lu Li’s eyes flickered, casting a glance at Xie Jianwei.

Xie Jianwei agreed softly, “Mm.”

A meal for three, yet two found no flavor in the food.

Lu Yan, on the other hand, was delighted; family reunions always brought joy.

Over the next few days, Lu Li did not show his face again, giving Xie Jianwei and Lu Yan ample private time.

Xie Jianwei laid the groundwork for over half a month. Sensing that Lu Yan’s condition was very stable, he decided to make his move.

Although Lu Li avoided seeing them, he knew what they did every single day.

As his health improved, Lu Yan grew increasingly intimate in his interactions with Xie Jianwei.

They were “husband and wife,” so wanting intimacy was completely natural.

Lu Li had no idea what Xie Jianwei would decide. Continue playing along? He probably would want to… but wouldn’t that cross the line? Even if Lu Yan mistook Xie Jianwei for Xie Rou, men and women were fundamentally different. When it came to intimacy… even if they didn’t go all the way, just sharing a kiss…

The mere thought of that image turned Lu Li’s vision pitch-black.

On this night, Lu Li stayed out entertaining clients until very late, returning home smelling strongly of alcohol.

He was not drunk. His tolerance was immense, making drunkenness difficult to achieve, yet at this moment, he wondered if he had lost his sobriety.

Because he saw Xie Jianwei. The Xie Jianwei who was supposed to be with Lu Yan.

Lu Li stood in a daze for a long moment before finding his voice: “Jianwei?”

Xie Jianwei stood there, seemingly having waited for a very long time, his shoulders veiled in a faint layer of mist.

In this weather bordering on winter, even heavy clothing could hardly keep out the biting chill.

Lu Li hurried closer, met by his bloodless face and trembling lips: “What happened? Did something go wrong with Lu Yan?” He instinctively assumed something had happened to Lu Yan’s health.

Xie Jianwei shook his head.

Lu Li took off his own coat and draped it over him, yet merely through that brief touch, he felt how rigid and freezing his body was.

What on earth had happened?

Xie Jianwei suddenly grabbed his hand. Keeping his head bowed, his voice choked with sobs: “I can’t take it anymore.”

Lu Li was stunned.

Xie Jianwei’s voice overflowed with deep anguish: “I truly can’t endure it any longer. I cannot stay by Yan ge‘s side anymore.”

Lu Li did not understand, but his concern for his health took priority, so he said, “Let us go inside first.”

Inside the house, Lu Li poured him a cup of hot water. Seeing him still shivering after finishing it, he wanted to pull him into his arms for warmth, yet held back.

Clutching the warm mug, Xie Jianwei sat in the spacious sofa, looking terribly haggard. He murmured softly, “This is too agonizing. I truly cannot hold out.”

Lu Li coaxed him gently: “What… happened?”

Xie Jianwei said in anguish, “From start to finish, Yan ge treats me as my sister. He isn’t smiling at me, isn’t talking to me, isn’t being affectionate with me. Through me, the only person he has ever looked at is my sister. I knew he loved my sister, and I knew he harbored zero interest in me, but… but only now do I truly, genuinely realize just how deeply he loves Xie Rou…”

He spoke in halting, fragmented phrases, somewhat incoherent, yet Lu Li understood every word.

Xie Jianwei was suffering. He suffered over his identity as a substitute. The more affection he received daily, the greater his pain grew, because all of it rightfully belonged to his deceased sister, and the one Lu Yan longed for was his sister as well. He felt like a thief, stealing everything meant for his sister. He could not feel happy; he could only constantly confront the insurmountable chasm between himself and Lu Yan, while endlessly witnessing his own perceived baseness.

He felt guilty, tormented by self-reproach, suffering day and night.

Sudden realization struck Lu Li, making him understand that Xie Jianwei was different from him.

Xie Jianwei was far from being as shameless or selfish as he was. Lu Li had thought being a substitute was its own form of happiness, yet to Xie Jianwei, it was profound torture.

Xie Jianwei revered his sister, making it impossible to tolerate this desecration of his sister’s love.

He had forced himself to cooperate, yet his heart had been roasting over coals.

It turned out Xie Jianwei did not want to remain by Lu Yan’s side like this. He had no desire to stay beside someone who did not love him, even if he supposedly loved Lu Yan deeply.

Lu Li’s heart trembled, for he heard Xie Jianwei add another plea:

“Can we tell Yan ge the truth…” Xie Jianwei spoke as though pushed past his limit, “Yan ge has recovered very well. Let him face reality; let him know the truth.”

Lu Li dared not make a sound. Xie Jianwei clutched his clothes, his pale knuckles protruding, laying bare the agony in his heart: “I truly can’t bear it. I cannot stay by his side anymore, I cannot act this part any longer.”

Lu Li finally wrapped his arms around him, his warm breath brushing against his ear: “Do you truly want him to wake up to reality?”

Xie Jianwei nodded vigorously.

Lu Li said again, “If so, you will never have him.”

Xie Jianwei paused, then said with utter exhaustion, “I could never have him anyway. Father, I told you, we are the same.”

The same? How could we be the same?

Lu Li rested his chin gently against his hair, keeping silent.

Xie Jianwei pleaded almost desperately, “I cannot deceive Yan ge any longer. I believe he can accept it; he definitely can, right?”

His words still harbored fear. What he worried about was not losing Lu Yan permanently once the truth was out, but dreading that Lu Yan might collapse and relapse into critical illness.

Fearing Lu Li might not catch the hint, Xie Jianwei spelled it out even more plainly: “Yan ge won’t suffer a relapse, right? Doing this won’t endanger him, will it?”

The will of God would not let him come to harm, depending solely on whether his God chose to aid him.

Evidently, as long as Xie Jianwei begged him, his God would gladly sacrifice everything for him.

Lu Li comforted him: “Rest assured, nothing will happen. The doctor also stated that Lu Yan has recovered remarkably well; it is indeed time for him to truly awaken.”

Xie Jianwei reserved judgment on the doctor’s authority, but Lu Li’s word was guaranteed to work.

Xie Jianwei breathed a sigh of relief. Cuddled in Lu Li’s embrace, having been apart for so long and now enveloped in his scent, his heart was already itching with longing.

Except, in the current scenario, intimacy seemed rather inappropriate?

Yet he craved it so much; what should he do?

Xie Jianwei’s eyes lit up as an idea struck. What about drunken passion?

He immediately put on a bitter tone: “Father, could you have a drink with me?”

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Author’s Note:

“It”: None of you would give me advice, so I came up with a brilliant idea myself! But… why haven’t they broken up yet? Infuriating!